Thursday, December 29, 2011

The Christmas Dinner


Its Christmas dinner with friends. We have been invited, all four of us, to join in a friend’s family dinner along with another party of two friends. It’s festive and lovely.

There is a traditional (for them) family gift exchange, with mostly gag gifts exchanged and lots of bold laughter along with great appetisers and drinks. Everything is wonderfully humorous as we progress toward dinner.

Our host and friend is the master of ceremonies at this event, as it’s his house, or maybe just by the nature of his personality. We eat and drink and laugh. Lots of funny material comes forth, with close family and friends, his own two kids and his mother-in-law in attendance.

At some point a reference is made to something being long. The host, in a loud and good natured way, decides to tell the assembled multitude including his kids and mother-in-law, that the first time his wife had seen him naked, years ago, she had commented on how long his penis was!

I don’t know, but I’m just sayin’, it’s hard to outdo me usually for outrageous. But you have to give it to him!

Telling your family, including the kids, your friends and your mother-in-law that the first time your wife saw your penis she was impressed by its size, that wins!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Christmas 2000


I know I wrote this story before, but since it's Christmas, and it's a real Christmas story from Christmas, 2000, I thought it deserves to be retold.

I received a package at home from Chapters. A week before, I’d ordered 2 books and a video tape (Hook) as Christmas presents, so the box was expected.

After I took the box downstairs, I decided to open it, just in case there was something wrong or missing. To my surprise, it contained 7 videotapes, with Hook among them. My first thought was that my sons and their families had pitched in and bought us one big Christmas present, and with about $20-25 US for each of the tapes, they could buy 7 videos for $175. Since it contained Sandy’s favorite movie Dr. Zhivargo and one of two movies that always make me cry (Mr. Holland’s Opus, the other being Field of Dreams) along with Hook and a bunch of appropriate cartoon movies, I assumed a knowledgeable person carefully selected them. The others are the Grinch, Murder by Death, Land Before Time VII and Joseph and his Coat or something, also a cartoon. I figured my youngest son purchased them for everyone, and that Chapters had failed to include the gift card as they often make mistakes. But, just in case this was wrong, and a generous son had done this himself, I decided not to email all and make someone feel bad. So, I decided to call the Internet store to see what happened.

After ten minutes on hold (thank God for speakerphones) I spoke to a guy who assured me this was my partial order, and that they had shipped Hook. He laughed about my predicament, informed the warehouse of their error in overshipping and wished me a Merry Christmas. He said it’s now up to them to take care of it.

I know that they will ignore my response, as it will cost more to send UPS or someone to pick it all up than it is worth. Who knows. I was honest, and perhaps I’ve lived in Canada so long that I respond without larceny in my heart. However, by Christmas, this all will be mine, I guess.

This is sort of a Christmas Story, I guess.

Of couse they never responded.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A Reprint from October 8, 2009 One of the Best Christmas Stories I Have

In the mid-50's, my friend Ted worked at the mall, and had access to the Santa Suit right after the mall closed on Christmas Eve. It was sweaty and stale, but he could get it and return it a day or two later to the rightful owner. He was so excited!

I would drive his car as it was a bit difficult for him to drive with pillows stuffed in his suit, and besides, he didn’t want to go out alone.

We would go to the gas station near the mall, a favorite place for us, and the owner would get us to go house to surprise his kids. We had to be at a Christmas Eve party about 11:00p.m. to scare the kids there, but we were free from about 6:00p.m., when the mall closed on Christmas Eve, until then.

Our desire was to get free booze and make kids happy (sort of).

We started out at the gas station owner’s house, and would drink with the guys in the basement while the ladies cooked and fussed upstairs. This was the 50’s, and this was a blue collar neighborhood, and we were two teen aged Jewish boys out being Santa and his helper!

When we left the house, the fun began. We would walk slowly, or drive slowly, if no one was out to see us, until someone invited us in. This was a kinder, gentler time and no one suspected that we were criminals, or even suspected two Jewish boys with ulterior motives, it was Christmas, and we had Santa!

From house to house we went and drank and jollied all the way! (We may have jingled too!)

By 11:00, we would make our way to our friend’s house, quite lit up, and woke the kids (her brother and sister) and had a great time! Everyone was drinking and we were happy as clams! The kids were generally scared by being woken up by the drunken Santa with a cheesy Irish accent, wishing them the happiest of holidays!

Sometimes I’d have to pull over, so Santa could get out of the car and hurl.

I miss those happy times!

Sunday, December 18, 2011

The Christmas Cruise




If you know me at all, you know I’m not getting on any cruise to anywhere. However, yesterday was interesting.
I had arranged for my daughter’s flight home for Christmas from Montreal to Toronto, with the idea that we’d pick her up at the airport. I timed it well, making sure she would be coming in at mid-day, so as to avoid much of the traffic problems associated with Toronto traveling. She was scheduled to come in at 11:40 a.m., giving us an easy commute leaving a bit after 10.

My wife was concerned about arrival timing, so she checked with the airlines a bit before we left for the airport, only to find out I’d scheduled her for the Island Airport, Toronto’s City Airport. I had paid no attention to the airport as she was flying on Air Canada and as far as I knew (the problem) they use Pierson Airport. The Island Airport is used only by Porter Airlines (or so I imagined).

I ran to the computer and double checked, and of course she was correct. I had never been to that airport, and although I kind of knew where it was, I went to MapQuest for directions. It was simple and the same distance as Pierson but should be an easier commute. Parking was a bit weird, as the information available was sketchy, and I couldn’t quite figure out what to do. It did say there was parking on Stadium, but limited parking at the airport was available.

It was a short 45 minutes in minimal traffic to get there, thank God, and we followed the directions which made me pass Stadium and go to the airport and discover we couldn’t park as there were no spaces left. After a few confusing minutes, we backtracked to Stadium and found easy access parking.

After we park we walk around an easy to find pathway to the two level boat entrance, as the Island Airport is on an Island. The ferry ride takes only a few minutes and at 121 meters (about 400 feet), it is in fact one of the shortest ferry trips in the world. It leaves about every 15 minutes. The ride is free for walkers, who enter on the second floor, and there is a charge if you come in a car, and cars use the first floor.

We had enough time to park the car, walk to the ferry, meet our daughter, and we all took the ferry back.

I explained to my daughter who had never been here before as well, that this was our family Christmas Cruise, 400 feet of sheer boating exhilaration.

Friday, December 16, 2011

The Christmas Gift


I only lost my wallet once in my life, and it was only lost for a short time. It was 1965 or so, at Christmastime, and I was teaching Junior High school. This was on a day where the kids were gone and the teachers were finishing grades, with a lunch and a Secret Santa party afterward in the school. Right before lunch I had the need to go to the bathroom.

I sat on the toilet (this is the graphic bit) thinking about my day, and it was a good chance to sit down. I realized I had better get moving because we were off to our events and I hurried out of the bathroom.

A while later I realized that I had lost my wallet. I ran around the school searching for the wallet to no avail. I had surely brought it with me in the morning but where had it gone to?

The time was running out, and seeing no end in sight, I just moved on to the activities of the day. We got through the lunch, a jolly bunch of young teachers with no kids in school and moved on to the Secret Santa gifts. While I have little memory of the day, I do remember my first present (there should only have been one), a happy group of teachers all waited while I unwrapped a beautifully wrapped present of my wallet! One of the teachers had found it on the floor of the teachers Men’s Room and carefully wrapped it up in Christmas paper and all waited for my reaction.

I was embarrassed, of course, but it was a happy day for me! My wallet was back, and I haven’t lost one since.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

My Dear Wife


My dear wife of 24 years is often conscience of the disparity between our ages, being quite far apart. She is currently 54 years old, and in great shape (for a woman of her age). That will get me in trouble for sure!
The other day, she went off to Shoppers Drugs to purchase some butter, eggs, Kleenex and a birthday card. All of these items were on sale and lost leaders, I suppose, for the drug store. Food now packs them into the drugstore instead of our running off to the supermarket (the inconvenience store) or the convenience store.

She did not try to look good for the clerk, or look bad. I believe she was at lunch, in between jobs, working at several children’s centers. She was dressed as normal, and made up as normal. I have to qualify all of this, as you can see from the sales slip, she was given, without asking, a seniors discount on the greeting card!

The $.74 discount had no positive effect on this shopper! She was mortified!

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

It should be a big birthday



My first child,in the early 60's
I remember when my first child was born, I was so young (20) that I thought, “My God! When I’m 70 he’ll be 50!” That thought has crept up into my head along with my thinking, “I wonder if I’ll live long enough to see my daughters’ graduate high school?” Given that they were born after I was 50!
Now, that my birthday is approaching, I realized my son would be 50. He told me he wanted no big deals made about his birthday, and I have no party to attend. I was disappointed, but just because I pictured something 50 years ago, does not mean it should be. I can deal with the disappointment.

So, I happily worked on an appropriate gift. While it isn’t a large or an overwhelming gift, it is a food gift that has some meaning to our families, and I thought he and his family would enjoy it. I have arranged for it to be delivered on Thursday of this week, his birthday being on Sunday.
I was worried he would go away to avoid a birthday event, so I emailed him to let him know it was coming on Thursday and if he wasn’t around, he should make some arrangements for retrieval.

I received an email from my son. “Dad, you do know it’s my 49th birthday don’t you, not my 50th?”
Oh My God! I was so focused on the same year that I failed to notice his birthday is in December and mine is in January! Next year we will reach that milestone!

My son and his family are receiving a very nice Holiday Gift this year. I wonder what I‘ll do next year when he finally turns 50!

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Bruce's Christmas


What can I say? We went to Bruce’s Salon to see his Christmas decorations. It was an experience.

Each year Bruce doll’s up the place with his dolls, who live there year round but get especially fixed up at Christmas time.

It is a trip down non-memory lane, a memory I only wish I’d had. Beautiful women (OK, not real women) artfully dressed up in lovely outfits. This year’s a Pink Christmas, and last year it was Silver. Each year it gets more intense, more crowded and more fun to visit.

The photos will say it all.

Merry Christmas.

Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Biggest Loser, Biggest Boozer


It’s the Friday night after Thanksgiving and we have gathered my wife, my youngest daughter, my mother-in-law and a group of friends in a restaurant in suburban New Jersey to celebrate the season. My friend, Jay Jacobs, one of the final four from Biggest Loser’s last season shows, was in attendance with his wife and son. His daughter who was on the show with him was away.

I had some fear about eating with the Biggest Loser, as I am always getting yelled at by my family for my overeating style and weight gain. Jay had gone from 400 pounds to 244 (I think) during the duration of the show, and I watched faithfully. Now, here I was having dinner with him and I was afraid he would eat the napkin and no matter what I had it would go badly for me with my family.

Jay does not drink very often if at all, so he didn’t drink although that wasn’t a surprise. I had a martini before I left for the restaurant, one at the restaurant and some wine with dinner. Compared to Jay and the others at the table, I was the biggest boozer. Hardly did I need a designated driver, but by comparison it didn’t look good.

I had a salad to start, a green one with vinaigrette, a non-issue. I had a scallop dinner with good stuff on the side and no fried stuff and no dessert. My family all had desert, and Jay ate well. I was delighted he had no particular eating hang ups and I did well. I had a coffee and we all went home after a two to three hour visit.

At the end of the evening he remained the biggest loser and I remained the biggest boozer but we all had fun.

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Car Story


Last year I was having a problem with my car. It was hesitating when I started and turned corners and the Traction Assist information flashed across the information screen in my car. I was very concerned but looked on the internet and learned it could be a computer glitch in some weird unrelated piece of stuff on my steering column. I took it in and the garage guys told me after a computer look that it was just such a problem and if it continued I should bring it back, as it was intermittent. I agreed and never saw it again until last week, when it got cold.

I related the concept to perhaps cold weather, and it was irritating, and I was on the verge of dealing with it, but I have to make a long trip this week, and decided to wait and see if it went away.

As I got into my car after work yesterday, all hell broke loose. The Traction Assist light lit, and the Service Stabilization Unit message came on followed by the Service Brake Assist message and the ABS light went off.

I had messages galore as well as two lights on full blast. The car seemed fine but I was in a panic. I was in a hurry, but I went directly to the garage and asked for help. I was assured, that even if I had a big trip planned, the ABS and the Traction Control were not problems unless I was going into a snow storm which is highly unlikely.

I asked to be seen today if possible, and they put me into the book. I asked for a loner vehicle and they had one and I was written into the calendar. They offered me a car and said  I could leave mine but I needed it last night and didn’t want to go out in the loner car with their name emblazoned on the side.  I decided to come back this morning with my car.

I started to drive out of the lot when I pulled over and ran back inside. Everything had just gone back to normal! The lights were gone. The messages stopped. The traction control was fine and the car was great last night in a cold and bad rainstorm, I got a high-five from the garage owner as he removed me from the list.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways I guess, but all seems to be right with the world this morning!


Tuesday, November 22, 2011

A Great Detroit Joke

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97ºF.
 

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.
 

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm", "Hi", and "Max".

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Versace at H&M


Photo and most of the story from the Montréal Gazette



By 12:30 p.m. it was all over save disappointment for some and fully loaded gold embossed trophy bags for others.

Unfashionably late fashion fans who did not line up in the wee hours for a piece of Versace for H&M found the racks depleted after staff opened the gates for remainders of the collection at about 12:30 Saturday afternoon.

It was a mad swarm for a last grab at the merchandise, according to many accounts.

Some fans starting lining up at 3 p.m. Friday afternoon for the 8 a.m. launch Saturday of the collection, the latest in the Swedish retailing giants list of guest designers.

Michael Mancini came in from Ottawa with his daughter, Clara, 13. At just after 10 a.m.,the pair were loaded with dresses, scarves and other accessories. Clara said she lined up at 4 a.m. for a bracelet that would allow access to a gated area in the store to shop. Her father said he declined to line up that early.

“I love how they are out of people’s comfort zone,” said Clara, who plans to go to design school. “They’re always original, they’re really trendy and they set new styles,” she said, explaining why she likes Versace.

Clara said she had researched the line in the past few months, so she was aware it was a collection based on archival designs.

Tara Sigal, 26, was at the cash with a huge haul of clothing, whose tally came to about $1,400.

“I literally took everything in a Size 2. I’m going to take it home, try it on. I think the whole collection is great. Whatever looks good I’m going to keep. If not I’ll bring it back.

“You got to get what you can.”

Sigal, who makes airline uniforms, said it was her first foray to an H&M collaboration collection.

“I love the colours,” she said of the Versace line.

My daughter arrived a few minutes late and never got a wrist band which eliminated her from getting in during the initial rush. They only let in a few at a time as space was at a premium. At 12:30, the late ones could return and be let in to see what was left.



Of course, the perfect dress was left and at 12:32 we got the call.  My daughter had grabbed this one out of someone’s hands as they thought about the purchase, and went to a secure spot to call and discuss this with her mother (and me through off mike shouting). The decision was to get it as if you don’t you will regret it forever. It will always be “the one that got away”.



All shoppers have “the one that got away” stories and always have some “the one that I got” ones as well.



I have a sad tale about a set of oak Chinese Chippendale chairs sitting out on a curb for $600 ($100 apiece) that I didn’t buy (too much money) and a pair of Timberland  boots at a factory discount store that kept getting cheaper, so I pocketed (OK, it’s stealing, sort of) the laces out of them, and bought them a few weeks later for $17.50.


My daughter is a happy camper, I’m $200 poorer, but a guy who encourages bargains and hopefully creates the situation for lifelong memories.


Editor’s Note: My daughter, when returning to H&M, hit a snag. The Santa Claus Parade had started and she was not allowed to cross the street. She tried and was turned back by a uniformed guard and told not to cross until after 1:30 p.m. when then parade had finished.

She saw a woman walking with an H&M Versace bag and approached her, who it turned out was also trying to cross the street. They formed a partnership, wandered back past that guards area of responsibility and waited until the parade was walking by. They both darted into the parade and made their way across the street and back to H&M.

My daughter was let in with the woman and proceeded to look for items, and found a small purse for $125. She gave that to someone else and managed to get the dress away from someone else in the correct size.






Friday, November 18, 2011

Phone Wars


My wife and I were sitting in a restaurant this afternoon eating lunch, when we both realized simultaneously that the two women to my right, sitting just a few feet away from us, were heavily engaged in phone messaging. Both women, in their mid-forties, were looking at their hands holding a Blackberry (the closer one) and an I-phone, the farther one and texting I guessed.
I leaned over and said, “Excuse me; I know this is the twenty-first century, but are you really talking to each other using your phones to text?”

There was a great deal of laughter (thankfully for Mr. Nosey) and a whole bagful of explanations. They were both on their phones alright, texting different people. One woman was from the US, and was wondering why, in this land of the Blackberry, she had to use Wi-Fi to text out although she could receive. The other was doing something else, and I really didn’t care except if they were texting each other I thought I had discovered a new phenomenon.

By the time we left my wife had given them our whole lineage as Americans, and as Canadians and I just wanted to leave.

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Ghost Sock


I walked into my bedroom on Monday morning while trying to get ready to go to work, and I surveyed the mess. My daughter gets ready for school before we do, and we have a full length mirror in our room with enough room to stand back and survey yourself. This is a draw for our children of course, so she naturally comes in every morning to check herself out and make changes, as she often does.

She is not neat!

There was a print sock on the floor in front of the cedar chest at the bottom of our bed and a sweater on the ironing board and a crumpled sweatshirt on our bed. I picked up the whole mess, including the  sock that seemed to be clean, and put it all in a pile on the bed. After I showered and dressed, I went downstairs and complained to my wife about my daughter’s mess, and how I had picked it all up and put it in a pile on our bed.

In the evening, on the way to dinner, my wife told me she had lost a sock about a year ago, a print one, and suddenly it had appeared on the floor near the cedar chest, and she was thankful that she had saved the old one.

I corrected her, of course, because it was in a neat pile on the bed. She had wondered about that herself, because she found then articles of clothing scattered around the room, on the floor, the bed and the ironing board.

My daughter had gone to school before I even picked up her laundry.

Goosebumps arose all over my arms when I realized the implications.

Saturday, November 12, 2011

The Phone Call


Not exactly the same phones pictured but a close relative.
I never read anything on the new phones I purchased; I just had a deal so I went for it. My basement phones (one regular cordless and one drone) were beginning to display problems by stopping the display on the call display feature. All I had was unreadable gibberish.

It says in the ad on the Source website (which is where I purchased it but not ever read it):
“When you are away from your handset, the Panasonic DECT 6.0 Plus conveniently announces the caller's name between rings courtesy of text-to-speech technology, so you don't have to rush over to answer the phone if the call is not important.”

With no knowledge of this feature, I sat at my desk and was using the computer when the phone rang. A disembodied voice suddenly said, “You have a call from Fortino’s”.(This is a supermarket found around Hamilton).

I jumped a few feet in the air as I was home alone and had no idea what the hell was happening.

I still had the phone box sitting next to my desk and hurriedly read the outside to discover my own computerized phone had been talking to me.

I am calm now, and just a minute ago the phone told me the Hamilton Lib-ar-y was calling. You can give it a voice but it still has trouble with pronounciation.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Printer


The printer was a problem. I had purchased new ink when the low ink notice came up, and I assumed that would be that. However, my printer seemed to have a mind of its own and it continued to give me the low ink notice.

Now we all know what a pain this ink and printer business is, and the fact that they could give away the printers just so we will buy ink. My old office color laser cost $224 to buy and the new ink was $700! I only did that once and threw away the printer the next time.

I have at home a Canon MX320, it came free with my daughters Mac when she bought it and she didn’t want to take it to McGill, as they had access to printers and she didn’t need this giant boat anchor with her. I like it because it has a scanner and works as a copier as well.

I was quite surprised when the sign came up, and I tried reinstalling the ink to no avail.

My daughter and my wife have both complained and I knew it was still working so I paid no attention.

This morning my wife informed me the ink was out and I was getting to the boiling point. I decided that if I couldn’t fix it, I would buy a new printer rather than get another bad cartridge from Staples.

I came downstairs and checked the color cartridge to feel the weight, and compared it with the black ink which was the culprit, and the color was much heavier. I didn’t understand this one unless the drying out of the ink made it lighter. I said out loud to no one in particular,” I know I bought new ink”, and I pointed to the box with the ink sitting right in front of me at eye level, next to the office phone.

The light bulb over my head went off at this point, because if the box with the ink is sitting in front of me, it’s not in the printer! I was correct, I had purchased the new ink, I just failed to open the box and install the cartridge!

Sunday, November 6, 2011

The Good Letter


Received by email early last week:
McGill University
Montréal, Québec, Canada

November 04, 2011

Re: Student Account of ______________

Dear______________,

This is a notification that your monthly e-bill from McGill Student Accounts
is ready.
Your current balance is $3.69. Outstanding balances are due by
30-Nov-2011.

Note that account balances of less than $10.00 are not charged interest; all
balances
owed to the University must be paid prior to graduating or leaving McGill.
To view the details of your e-bill, you must log in to Minerva (the McGill
Web
Information System) and navigate to the Student Accounts Menu under Student.

Please note that this balance is not being reduced by any future deposits or
post-dated
cheques that may be applied to your fee account before the stated fee
deadline. Nor does it take into account any fee deferrals you may have. Please review your actual
e-bill for messages concerning the above, or your Account Summary by Term to view your current
balance, including an up-to-date list of transactions.

Thank You.

McGill University
Financial Services — Student Accounts
Montréal, Québec

I have no idea, even after looking at the actual on-line bill, what the $3.69 is for but I really don’t care. It may be the lowest bill I have even received for anything as most places wouldn’t spend the money to bill you for so little. It’s worth that to keep them away for a month.
I paid it, in full!




Wednesday, November 2, 2011

The Package

A package came for me the other day, not a surprise, but something I ordered. It was sent to my surprise from New Jersey, a surprise because it was from what I thought was a Canadian company, Newegg.ca. As it turns out there is a Canadian Corporation, but it is in New jersey and everyrthing gets sent from there.

It was sent Purolator, and had a tracking number for me to follow. The package arrived and I was not home so it was sent to the local office at the airport for 5 days or it would be shipped back to New Jersey.

I drove out to the airport one afternoon, which takes 25 minutes each way, effectively killing the savings I had made by ordering the thing through their website.

The object, a Wi-Fi dongle, is the size if a pushpin and could have been delivered in an envelope.

As you can see, it was packaged in a box, the box was padded for safety and “comfort” I guess, and it was blister packed in the packing.

Look at it and you will understand, there is nothing more I need to say.







Monday, October 31, 2011

Interrupted Conversation

So we had this dinner with friends on Saturday night, as we did on Friday and Sunday as well, but each group was different. On Saturday the conversation seemed to morph as the wine was more consumed, and the last conversation I remember before I left the dinner table, not to return, went sort of like this:
“You know we have the earth, and we have the moon”.

Me- “uh huh…”
“ Guys go up there, and they piss and shit and eat and everything else just like we do”

Me-“ uh huh….”

“ And I have to pay taxes, and I can’t just go sit on my roof and look up and not pay taxes”

Me- “uh huh….”
“Well, why is that?”

Me- “what?...”

“You know, why do I pay taxes on this. It’s not mine at all”

Another speaker:
“Right, in this country we can’t ever own our property. It’s not fair. In the states you have property rights and we should have them!”

“Right, why do I have to pay taxes when they can go to the moon and not pay?”
Me- “uh huh…”


Thursday, October 27, 2011

The Montserrat College of Art phone call

Last evening I received a call from a young lady who started with, “Hi, I’m ________, a student at the Montserrat College of Art, and I’m calling to thank you for your support. I’m not selling anything! I am just calling to thank you!” I just started to laugh! I knew she was being sincere, but she was reading that which she was asked to read, and it sounded just like those fake sales calls one often gets that are so annoying.

I just laughed. I apologized to her and assured her she was doing fine, it was just the non-sales pitch that had gotten to me. She than read a prepared statement that was well done but clearly you knew that she was reading. I laughed more! I apologized again, as I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, she was sweet.
She told me she was a transferred freshman and this was the first time she had called and I was the first person she had reached who was home. I explained that I was the former President of the College from 1989 until 1993. She said (not rehearsed) that she wasn’t even born at that time. I roared!

Fearing that she would think I was just a weirdo who made this stuff up, I told her that many of the folks still there were old friends of mine and I listed a few. Thankfully, some of them were still alive and she at least knew their names. I was vindicated.
We parted friends, and I enjoyed the rest of the evening, and I hope she did too. I know I’ll get called or asked for money again anyway, because if you give once, everyone expects you to give again, and besides, we do the same kind of thing, as do all charities.


Tuesday, October 25, 2011

A Story From George Parrino

The painting on the left is a portrait of George done by one of his more recent students. The painting on the right is hismost recent work.

The late George Parrino was my friend.

He was an artist, a teacher, and an administrator I had known for many years. He read this blog and sent me a number of long and interesting stories as part of an autobiography he was never to finish. He passed away early this year, and we had been in touch often in what turned out to be his last days.

This is one of his stories lifted from his first hand account of life:

Sometimes the institute would host trips.  Now this was not so much to raise money, but was more of an opportunity to socialize with potential donors.  So in 1982, we arranged a trip to Washington D.C. to visit the “In Search of Alexander” exhibition at the East Wing of the National Gallery, and to see Elizabeth Taylor on stage at the Kennedy Center in Little Foxes.  And as one of our trustees was a close confident of the senior George Bush, she arranged for the group to have a reception with Barbara Bush at the Vice President’s residence on Embassy Row. 

After we arrived at our hotel in the nation’s capital, and got unpacked, we boarded a chartered bus out to the Naval Observatory.  On the way we began to hear a symphony of sirens, and immediately suspected something unusual must be happening.  And after we were cleared through gatehouse security, and finally arrived at the front door of the Vice Presidential home, Mrs. Bush appeared at the front door.  Then to our utter surprise and amazement, with a somber face she announced, “I am very sorry, but I have some very bad news.  The President has just been shot.” 

It was Monday the 29th of March in 1982, just moments ago six gunshots rang out.  Ronald Reagan and his press secretary James Brady had both tragically been caught by a would-be assassin’s bullets.  None-the-less the consummate gracious hostess, Mrs. Bush invited thirty-seven of us in to an otherwise very pleasant afternoon tea.  Meanwhile the phone kept ringing, and she kept leaving the drawing room for what we all guessed were the latest news, and Secret Service briefings.  She would quickly return dutifully keeping us all informed, but for God’s sake, in some ways it was like being with Ladybird Johnson immediately after J.F.K. had been shot.  And I can tell you for sure that Barbara Bush was nothing less than pure aristocratic “Grace under fire.”


Sunday, October 23, 2011

A Second Letter from Hong Kong

This is a wall charger for an ereader.

 

This is a different letter from Hong Kong. Yesterday’s letter was sweet, this one is also. I have never had such trouble before, but this is a first. These are from two different vendors. I always have had immediate sucedsss from eBay vendors. The m,ail does get tricky.
BTW, after yesterday’s posted letter, the original merchandise arrived within 24 hours and I had to tell the company. I will now follow steps two or three on their letter of instructions, as shown in the previous post. I will either reject it or pay for it, I will decide when it gets here.

The new letter (different merchandise) says:
Dear?

Really, sorry for that.

we have sent the goods to your PayPal address on 8.23. International transit time is long, and maybe something wrong on the road.

Anyway, we refund to you first, ok? If you receive goods in the future, please pay it back. After refund? if you still want item, we can resend for free to you.

I appreciate your understanding, and still leave positive feedback for us, as you
as you know, it is important for us. Please believe us, we are good seller.

So do you want refund?

Waiting for reply, thanks. Thanks.

---Helen

Friday, October 21, 2011

A Letter from Hong Kong

This is a email  received by me yesterday in regards to a small item, a seven slot powered hub, I ordered through eBay and has not been received.  The email is so special, I could not help but publish it for everyone to see. I ordered another one, of course:
Hi Arthur,

Thanks for your enquiry. I am ________________ , customer service officer of your order.

 
Please DON'T worry. GOD BLESS THE HONESTY. We must follow your case as quickly as we can.

Please be informed that we got your order at September 15, 5:20AM, PDT (i.e. September 15, 8:20PM, HONG KONG TIME, Hong Kong Time is 15 hours ahead of PDT) and your ordered package was already mailed out at September 16, 10:55AM (HONG KONG TIME). It was shortly after we got your order.

Oh! My God! If you still do not get your parcel, it seems that the parcel may be lost during shipment.

 
Please DON'T worry. Please be informed that we are HONEST and RESPONSIBLE seller, we take full responsibility of being lost during shipment.

We have a special proposal as below:
(1) We mail you another parcel in REGISTERED airmail, we bear the product cost and postage of this 2nd shipment by ourselves, you do not need to pay for it;
(2) If you finally get both parcels, i.e. the 1st and the 2nd shipment, and you would like to keep only one parcel, please mark on the 2nd parcel BIG WORDS 'REJECTED' or 'RETURN to SENDER'. Then give this to post office or postman. This 2nd parcel will then be returned to us. You do not need to pay any postage if you return the parcel in this way;
(3) If you finally get both parcels and you would like to keep both parcels, would you please send us US$3.99 which is special price offered by us for 2nd set.
(4) If you finally got only one parcel, you and we can certainly regard our deal as completed
(5) there is no risk of being lost again in 2nd shipment as it is in REGISTERED airmail

We think that this arrangement is fair and good to both you and us.

### Would you please let us know whether you are ok with this special proposal so that we can arrange for the 2nd shipment as quickly as we can?

We apologize for all the inconvenience caused. SORRY!

Have a nice day.

Best Regards,

 
____________

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Les's Story Told

This is Les's public piece honoring Nikloa Tesla, at Niagara Falls, Canada.

My friend, Sculptor Les Drysdale, sent this to me as an email and he put it on his Facebook page. I am just copying his story because I love it and hope you will too:

Les said, "If I had a blog I'd write this".

Regarding a meeting I had in Niagara Falls, Canada this weekend. I love my GPS, but I'm guilty of blind faith in the power of technology everything else is human error.

So I did the total bonehead move of expecting the Holiday Inn that I punched into the GPS was indeed the correct one. The second time I passed the exit for Stanley Ave. I began to doubt my faith. I was confronted with and committed to huge line ups to cross the Queenston Lewiston Bridge to the US.

There were huge signs saying No U-turn. I had wished for punctuation in the sign preferring No, U-Turn. I was committed. I asked the guy directing traffic what to do. He said you'll have to sort it out with US customs. So armed with only a driver’s licence I had to enter the US. Fortunately, the officer guy believed me that I was an idiot. And asked only if I had relatives in the US then gave me the directions I needed to take back to Canada. I rolled up to Canada customs and handed the officer my driver’s licence. She responded with 'do you have any other proof of citizenship?’, I said no. She asked what was my profession and where was I going. I said sculptor, Holiday Inn. She responded ' cool' what are you doing at the Holiday Inn? I said meeting a guy about doing a sculpture. Looking at my driver’s licence and doing her computer thing she said' you're the guy that did the monument by the Falls', I said yes. She said you've satisfied me you are a citizen you can go. So I made the meeting 1/2 hr late and all went well.

Thank God for Public Art!

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Abandonment Issues

My oldest daughter, when she was a kid, went to art classes at North Mount Pleasant Art Centre in Calgary. The classes were an hour or so long, and she took a number of them over the years. However, as good as it was, she had always been afraid that I would leave her (abandonment issues) and she refused to let me leave.
All I ever wanted to do was go out and get a coffee and read the paper as I waited. This did happen after a few years and lots of assurance that I would never leave her. We had never left her alone anywhere and never did have an idea how this malady had occurred.

She did not, thank God, need me to sit in the classroom and watch (I would have refused as would the teacher, I hope) but she needed me to be within sight if needed.
Outside of the large first floor classroom was a large, vinyl or leather like sofa, and if I sat there, when she felt abandoned, she could peek out of the door to make sure I was there. I did that and over time the problem faded and I was allowed to go and get coffee from a local coffee shop.

I have known of this syndrome happening with adults and it seems to be serious mental illness. There was a man when I was a kid, who demanded his wife sit in her car outside of his office building all day, so he was able to work and able to see her whenever he felt abandoned. There are probably many cases; however, this behaviour was extinguished quickly, after a year or two.
I clearly remember the first experience when I put her in the children’s section of the library, told her I was going to go over to the adult books, about 12 feet away, and after a few minutes she started to scream, causing a huge glut of running librarians to come forth to her rescue. Her father was lost. I was standing 12 feet away and watching!

With all this build up, the result of this story is that she lives in Montreal, is happy not to come home, and would rather not go anywhere with her father most of the time.
Now I have abandonment issues!


Tuesday, October 11, 2011

The Fan

My Aunt and Uncle had lots of money compared to us, and my uncle drove a Cadillac. That was the sign of those times. I have a Cadillac today probably because my uncle had one. However, I loved these people and they were very lovely to me and my family.

In the mid 50’s, they had the Cadillac of big, honking window or floor fans, a mahogany Curtis Mathis Cooler. It was a real Texas classic (that’s where it was made). It had a wooden front grill with wooden fins and cost somewhere near $100 in the early 50’s!

I guess when they got air conditioners; they gave their fan to us. It was the pride of my parents, especially my father, to have this big, wooden fan, put up next to a window at night and it would allow the air to be drawn in our open windows and make us all cool. It had wooden legs so you did not have to install it, just move it around from day use (right on you) to night use by a window.

After my parents moved in 1967, they had air conditioning and somewhere later on the fan came to me. We had it in our house and it would not be a story because I had no idea where it went. However, in 1978 we moved to Michigan, into an air conditioned house and would have had no reason to move a large fan 500 miles.

As it turns out, much to my surprise, my old friend Alan Forman took the fan when he moved to New York. He says it worked for a couple of years for him and was tossed out somewhere in the early 80’s.

The legs had been removed by me at some point, and this fan had worked continuously (except for the winters) from the early 50’s when my uncle probably got it, to 1955 when we got it until 1980 when Alan got rid of it!

That fan worked for at least 30 years!

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Smoked Turkey

With my wife and daughter being away for a few days looking at a university for her (younger daughter), I had some time to devote to a cooking project. This being Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, turkeys were on sale. We don’t have those great US giveaways for thanksgiving with $.29 a pound, but we did have a reasonable $.99 a pound turkey waiting for me when I got to the store on Thursday. I took the smallest I could find, a little over 16 pounds, and I put it in the fridge to thaw. The next day it went into the sink filled with cold water to complete the thawing process. It was covered in a plastic shell so no water got in.

I had Saturday to cook, and we were planning to have a turkey dinner at our neighbours anyway on Monday, so I could try anything.

I knew better that to try a deep fried turkey, because besides having to buy the fryer, my wife would kill me and then not even eat the turkey. So, my decision was to smoke it.
I woke up on Saturday morning, came downstairs, lit the right side of the barbeque and found my aluminum pan with wood chips, soaked some more chips for later, and started the chips in the pan on the hot right side. The center and the left side were cold, and that was where the turkey would go.

I washed out the turkey, put the giblets and the neck in the freezer and quickly salted and peppered the bird, squeezed lemon juice over it, put the lemon and an onion inside the carcass, put olive oil on the bird and covered it with paprika.

I put aluminum foil in the bottom of a roasting pan, sprayed it with Pam, and put in the turkey. I put the pan on the left side of the grill. The temperature with just the right side on full, would reach and stay at about 275 degrees Fahrenheit, a perfect temperature to use for a slow oven, and that would call for half an hour a pound.
Every hour to an hour and a half, I added wet wood chips to the aluminum pan over the heat, and smoke continued to be generated.
At 4:00 p.m., 8 hours later, the thermometer said, when I inserted it in the deepest part of the breast, 180 degrees, the perfect temperature for poultry.

The smoked turkey was done to perfection, the pan was full to the edge with juices that I was able to pour off and turn into gravy, and at about 4:15 p.m. my wife and daughter arrived home.
It was a perfectly lovely day and a great turkey.