why yes my dear, there are more uses for Vagisil

My son and sometimes editor always tells me when I am in trouble and he finds two parts of this post offensive. In order to answer his concerns I am removing the offensive parts and providing replacement asterisks for the letters (*).


On Saturday evening I took Max, our dog, out for his late evening walk. My wife usually does this run but she’s out of town so it falls to me. I can’t see a damn thing after nine o’clock and we went about our merry way. Max was his usual self, and he dawdled a bit too long but I wasn’t paying much attention, I was just trying to see in the dark so I didn’t fall and break something, like Max.

When I came home I decided to put Max in his crate and picked him up to remove his collar and found he was wet and sticky along his right leg and neck. It was weird. I wiped him with a paper towel and put him in the crate. I wiped my hands a bit and yelled down to my daughter that Max was in the crate and that I was going to bed, but also that Max was wet and sticky. My daughter, much more sensitive than I, ran upstairs and there was a huge amount of screaming and moving about and I was being yelled at by my daughter. She was calling me names, as it seems that Max had rolled in wild animal crap and he was covered with it, and he stank!

“One form of dog behavior that owners dislike is when the animal will roll in something smelly. Although dogs may sometimes roll in the grass, a pile of autumn leaves or the snow in winter because it simply feels good, rolling on the carcass of a dead animal, feces or something else smelly has instinctive roots, perhaps going back to wolves and wild dogs. There are several theories on why a dog will roll in something smelly. Although there is a temptation to scold your dog, it is best to realize it is natural behavior and make sure your pet doesn't have the opportunity to roll in stuff” (from the School for Champions web site)


My daughter was shampooing Max with Kleenex stuffed in her nose, and crying, and yelling at me simultaneously. I didn’t realize I was smeared with wild animal poop (raccoon, possum or skunk probably) as well, and needed to clean up a bit. She wanted to clean and disinfect everything and everybody she could, and she was quite upset. I had to try and calm her down and get us and our clothing all cleaned and to bed.

The next day Max still smelled a bit, and we used vinegar and water in a spray, Michael Coors perfume and several other remedies to see if anything would work. We explained the situation to my wife in Scotland who was horrified but she laughed a bit. She thought about it while I looked on the web to find a number of ideas, most of which were more of the same things we had already done.

A phone call from my wife on the Isle of Iona in the Hebrides came through with a solution. A group of women including my wife and my mother in law came up with the idea of using Vagisil to end the smell. We were dumbfounded, and my daughter could hardly get the word out without blushing.

I was to go and get some immediately to end this problem which I had ceased to notice, although I did wash my sweatshirt that I had been wearing. I agreed to go and get it, but I was warned by my daughter to develop a cover story because she could not imagine my just going in and buying such a product. I of course went in and bought it, what did I care?

She put it on Max and then we decided to look at the directions. We found out that one was not supposed to ingest Vagisil! Of course not, even though I refrained from telling my daughter that many people have  ********  **  without knowing it was there!

However, they did not weigh 19 pounds, like Max! It was dangerous! It is a numbing medication.

“An overdose of numbing medications can cause fatal side effects if too much of the medicine is absorbed through your skin and into your blood. This is more likely to occur when using a numbing medicine without the advice of a medical doctor (such as during a cosmetic procedure like laser hair removal). Overdose symptoms may include uneven heartbeats, seizure (convulsions), coma, slowed breathing, or respiratory failure (breathing stops). Your body may absorb more of this medication if you use too much, if you apply it over large skin areas, or if you apply heat, bandages, or plastic wrap to treated skin areas. Skin that is cut or irritated may also absorb more topical medication than healthy skin.


Use the smallest amount of this medication needed to numb the skin or relieve pain. Do not use large amounts of benzocaine topical, or cover treated skin areas with a bandage or plastic wrap without medical advice. Be aware that many cosmetic procedures are performed without a medical doctor present.


Do not use benzocaine topical if you have a blood cell disorder called methemoglobinemia.


Before using benzocaine topical, tell your doctor if you have any type of inherited enzyme deficiency, a breathing disorder such as asthma or emphysema, or if you smoke.


Call your doctor if your symptoms do not improve or if they get worse within the first 7 days of using benzocaine topical. Also call your doctor if your symptoms had cleared up but then came back.


If you are treating a sore throat, call your doctor if the pain is severe or lasts longer than 2 days, especially if you also develop a fever, headache, skin rash, swelling, nausea, vomiting, cough, or breathing problems.”

We decided to watch Max, discourage him from licking his leg which he was doing, and keep watch for a while and then wipe it off the areas he could lick, but leave the rest on, which we did.

Did it work in the end?

No.

However, Max smells a lot like a ******!