The Christmas Dinner

Its Christmas dinner with friends. We have been invited, all four of us, to join in a friend’s family dinner along with another party of two friends. It’s festive and lovely.

There is a traditional (for them) family gift exchange, with mostly gag gifts exchanged and lots of bold laughter along with great appetisers and drinks. Everything is wonderfully humorous as we progress toward dinner.

Our host and friend is the master of ceremonies at this event, as it’s his house, or maybe just by the nature of his personality. We eat and drink and laugh. Lots of funny material comes forth, with close family and friends, his own two kids and his mother-in-law in attendance.

At some point a reference is made to something being long. The host, in a loud and good natured way, decides to tell the assembled multitude including his kids and mother-in-law, that the first time his wife had seen him naked, years ago, she had commented on how long his penis was!

I don’t know, but I’m just sayin’, it’s hard to outdo me usually for outrageous. But you have to give it to him!

Telling your family, including the kids, your friends and your mother-in-law that the first time your wife saw your penis she was impressed by its size, that wins!

Christmas 2000

I know I wrote this story before, but since it's Christmas, and it's a real Christmas story from Christmas, 2000, I thought it deserves to be retold.

I received a package at home from Chapters. A week before, I’d ordered 2 books and a video tape (Hook) as Christmas presents, so the box was expected.

After I took the box downstairs, I decided to open it, just in case there was something wrong or missing. To my surprise, it contained 7 videotapes, with Hook among them. My first thought was that my sons and their families had pitched in and bought us one big Christmas present, and with about $20-25 US for each of the tapes, they could buy 7 videos for $175. Since it contained Sandy’s favorite movie Dr. Zhivargo and one of two movies that always make me cry (Mr. Holland’s Opus, the other being Field of Dreams) along with Hook and a bunch of appropriate cartoon movies, I assumed a knowledgeable person carefully selected them. The others are the Grinch, Murder by Death, Land Before Time VII and Joseph and his Coat or something, also a cartoon. I figured my youngest son purchased them for everyone, and that Chapters had failed to include the gift card as they often make mistakes. But, just in case this was wrong, and a generous son had done this himself, I decided not to email all and make someone feel bad. So, I decided to call the Internet store to see what happened.

After ten minutes on hold (thank God for speakerphones) I spoke to a guy who assured me this was my partial order, and that they had shipped Hook. He laughed about my predicament, informed the warehouse of their error in overshipping and wished me a Merry Christmas. He said it’s now up to them to take care of it.

I know that they will ignore my response, as it will cost more to send UPS or someone to pick it all up than it is worth. Who knows. I was honest, and perhaps I’ve lived in Canada so long that I respond without larceny in my heart. However, by Christmas, this all will be mine, I guess.

This is sort of a Christmas Story, I guess.

Of couse they never responded.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!

A Reprint from October 8, 2009 One of the Best Christmas Stories I Have

In the mid-50's, my friend Ted worked at the mall, and had access to the Santa Suit right after the mall closed on Christmas Eve. It was sweaty and stale, but he could get it and return it a day or two later to the rightful owner. He was so excited!

I would drive his car as it was a bit difficult for him to drive with pillows stuffed in his suit, and besides, he didn’t want to go out alone.

We would go to the gas station near the mall, a favorite place for us, and the owner would get us to go house to surprise his kids. We had to be at a Christmas Eve party about 11:00p.m. to scare the kids there, but we were free from about 6:00p.m., when the mall closed on Christmas Eve, until then.

Our desire was to get free booze and make kids happy (sort of).

We started out at the gas station owner’s house, and would drink with the guys in the basement while the ladies cooked and fussed upstairs. This was the 50’s, and this was a blue collar neighborhood, and we were two teen aged Jewish boys out being Santa and his helper!

When we left the house, the fun began. We would walk slowly, or drive slowly, if no one was out to see us, until someone invited us in. This was a kinder, gentler time and no one suspected that we were criminals, or even suspected two Jewish boys with ulterior motives, it was Christmas, and we had Santa!

From house to house we went and drank and jollied all the way! (We may have jingled too!)

By 11:00, we would make our way to our friend’s house, quite lit up, and woke the kids (her brother and sister) and had a great time! Everyone was drinking and we were happy as clams! The kids were generally scared by being woken up by the drunken Santa with a cheesy Irish accent, wishing them the happiest of holidays!

Sometimes I’d have to pull over, so Santa could get out of the car and hurl.

I miss those happy times!

The Christmas Cruise

If you know me at all, you know I’m not getting on any cruise to anywhere. However, yesterday was interesting.

I had arranged for my daughter’s flight home for Christmas from Montreal to Toronto, with the idea that we’d pick her up at the airport. I timed it well, making sure she would be coming in at mid-day, so as to avoid much of the traffic problems associated with Toronto traveling. She was scheduled to come in at 11:40 a.m., giving us an easy commute leaving a bit after 10.

My wife was concerned about arrival timing, so she checked with the airlines a bit before we left for the airport, only to find out I’d scheduled her for the Island Airport, Toronto’s City Airport. I had paid no attention to the airport as she was flying on Air Canada and as far as I knew (the problem) they use Pierson Airport. The Island Airport is used only by Porter Airlines (or so I imagined).

I ran to the computer and double checked, and of course she was correct. I had never been to that airport, and although I kind of knew where it was, I went to MapQuest for directions. It was simple and the same distance as Pierson but should be an easier commute. Parking was a bit weird, as the information available was sketchy, and I couldn’t quite figure out what to do. It did say there was parking on Stadium, but limited parking at the airport was available.

It was a short 45 minutes in minimal traffic to get there, thank God, and we followed the directions which made me pass Stadium and go to the airport and discover we couldn’t park as there were no spaces left. After a few confusing minutes, we backtracked to Stadium and found easy access parking.

After we park we walk around an easy to find pathway to the two level boat entrance, as the Island Airport is on an Island. The ferry ride takes only a few minutes and at 121 meters (about 400 feet), it is in fact one of the shortest ferry trips in the world. It leaves about every 15 minutes. The ride is free for walkers, who enter on the second floor, and there is a charge if you come in a car, and cars use the first floor.

We had enough time to park the car, walk to the ferry, meet our daughter, and we all took the ferry back.

I explained to my daughter who had never been here before as well, that this was our family Christmas Cruise, 400 feet of sheer boating exhilaration.

The Christmas Gift

I only lost my wallet once in my life, and it was only lost for a short time. It was 1965 or so, at Christmastime, and I was teaching Junior High school. This was on a day where the kids were gone and the teachers were finishing grades, with a lunch and a Secret Santa party afterward in the school. Right before lunch I had the need to go to the bathroom.

I sat on the toilet (this is the graphic bit) thinking about my day, and it was a good chance to sit down. I realized I had better get moving because we were off to our events and I hurried out of the bathroom.

A while later I realized that I had lost my wallet. I ran around the school searching for the wallet to no avail. I had surely brought it with me in the morning but where had it gone to?

The time was running out, and seeing no end in sight, I just moved on to the activities of the day. We got through the lunch, a jolly bunch of young teachers with no kids in school and moved on to the Secret Santa gifts. While I have little memory of the day, I do remember my first present (there should only have been one), a happy group of teachers all waited while I unwrapped a beautifully wrapped present of my wallet! One of the teachers had found it on the floor of the teachers Men’s Room and carefully wrapped it up in Christmas paper and all waited for my reaction.

I was embarrassed, of course, but it was a happy day for me! My wallet was back, and I haven’t lost one since.

My Dear Wife

My dear wife of 24 years is often conscience of the disparity between our ages, being quite far apart. She is currently 54 years old, and in great shape (for a woman of her age). That will get me in trouble for sure!

The other day, she went off to Shoppers Drugs to purchase some butter, eggs, Kleenex and a birthday card. All of these items were on sale and lost leaders, I suppose, for the drug store. Food now packs them into the drugstore instead of our running off to the supermarket (the inconvenience store) or the convenience store.

She did not try to look good for the clerk, or look bad. I believe she was at lunch, in between jobs, working at several children’s centers. She was dressed as normal, and made up as normal. I have to qualify all of this, as you can see from the sales slip, she was given, without asking, a seniors discount on the greeting card!

The $.74 discount had no positive effect on this shopper! She was mortified!

It should be a big birthday

My first child,in the early 60's

I remember when my first child was born, I was so young (20) that I thought, “My God! When I’m 70 he’ll be 50!” That thought has crept up into my head along with my thinking, “I wonder if I’ll live long enough to see my daughters’ graduate high school?” Given that they were born after I was 50!

Now, that my birthday is approaching, I realized my son would be 50. He told me he wanted no big deals made about his birthday, and I have no party to attend. I was disappointed, but just because I pictured something 50 years ago, does not mean it should be. I can deal with the disappointment.

So, I happily worked on an appropriate gift. While it isn’t a large or an overwhelming gift, it is a food gift that has some meaning to our families, and I thought he and his family would enjoy it. I have arranged for it to be delivered on Thursday of this week, his birthday being on Sunday.

I was worried he would go away to avoid a birthday event, so I emailed him to let him know it was coming on Thursday and if he wasn’t around, he should make some arrangements for retrieval.

I received an email from my son. “Dad, you do know it’s my 49^th birthday don’t you, not my 50^th?”

Oh My God! I was so focused on the same year that I failed to notice his birthday is in December and mine is in January! Next year we will reach that milestone!

My son and his family are receiving a very nice Holiday Gift this year. I wonder what I‘ll do next year when he finally turns 50!

Bruce's Christmas

What can I say? We went to Bruce’s Salon to see his Christmas decorations. It was an experience.

Each year Bruce doll’s up the place with his dolls, who live there year round but get especially fixed up at Christmas time.

It is a trip down non-memory lane, a memory I only wish I’d had. Beautiful women (OK, not real women) artfully dressed up in lovely outfits. This year’s a Pink Christmas, and last year it was Silver. Each year it gets more intense, more crowded and more fun to visit.

The photos will say it all.

Merry Christmas.