A lime with that drink sir?

We went out to dinner on Saturday night and happily was offered a gin and tonic as I entered the house. I love gin, and in the summer have a fondness for gin and tonic. So of course I accepted and was asked if I wanted lime with it and I said no. This was an error, as I began to get the “third degree” about why I would refuse a lime wedge when they had secured it especially for me that afternoon. I just said, “No, thanks.” "Well", blustered the hosts, “Are you allergic to that too now?”

OK, I have a bunch of allergies, but no allergy to citrus fruit exists in me. They had carefully prepared dinner with me in mind eliminating a number of fruit and nut ingredients to which I am allergic. “Well”, demanded the hosts, "why no lime!”


“OK”, I said, “ I will embarrassingly confess, I’m doing a fecal occult blood test, if you really have to know, and I can’t have citrus fruit for three days!”

This did stop them, and pleased them with my answer, because they had experienced this before themselves. However, I didn’t want to talk about my having to chase pieces of shit around a toilet bowl with a popsicle stick!

The main use for the FOBT (fecal occult blood test) is as a screen for early colon cancer. Blood in the stool may be the only symptom of early cancer. If the cancer is detected early, the chance that it will be curable is increased. The FOBT is not diagnostic for cancer; other follow-up procedures would need to be done to find the source of the bleeding because the blood may also indicate other gastrointestinal problems.

A secondary use of FOBT is to look for a cause of anemia, such as blood loss from a bleeding ulcer. If you have symptoms and signs of anemia, such as fatigue or a low hemoglobin and hematocrit, and/or unusually dark stools, your doctor may want to order the FOBT.

Fecal occult blood tests are most often done as part of a routine examination. The tests are used primarily as a screening tool for early detection of colon cancer. They are recommended to be done annually beginning at age 50 (by the American Cancer Society and other major organizations) or as directed by your doctor based on your family medical history. Most people who have them performed are asymptomatic.

Your doctor may also order an FOBT if he suspects that you have an unexplained anemia that might be caused by GI bleeding.

The FOBT test is normally negative. A positive test result will tell your doctor that you have abnormal bleeding occurring somewhere in your gastrointestinal tract. This blood loss could be due to ulcers, diverticulosis, bleeding polyps, inflammatory bowel disease, hemorrhoids, from swallowed blood due to bleeding gums or nosebleeds, or it could be due to benign or cancerous tumors. Anything that protrudes into the lumen (the empty space in the intestine), like a polyp or tumor, and is rubbed against by the fecal waste as it passes through has the potential to eventually bleed intermittently. Often, this small amount of blood is the first, and sometimes the only, sign of early colon cancer, making the FOBT a valuable screening tool.

In Canada, this is often done in place of the very invasive colonoscopy, unless the other is called for due to symptoms or family history.

For three days during a one week period, you chase these pieces of shit around the bowl looking for two good smears to put on a special paper within a cardboard sleeve which eventually gets wrapped up in another sleeve and is mailed through the post office, and hot mailboxes, to the lab which reports back the results if negative.

My daughters did not know that this whole mess was sitting in the dining room for the last week, or they would have freaked!