HEAT

After a great deal of discussion, we decided to put a square of track lighting in our school loft, the largest room we have. This is a beautifully redone 1836 building, and the loft area contains classes, lectures, music and sometimes an auction. The architects had installed a single track, and had not considered that we light models, still life’s etc. from many sides and in many ways. While this alone would not be all the traditional lighting we might need, it would help greatly in providing controllable light source for the classroom.

When initially installed, it had a switch to turn it on. This would not do as we needed as much control as possible, so we switched to a controllable sliding switch for each side of the square.

The architects added side lighting for all the walls, a major effort, not anything we had planned, but not a bad idea.

When we considered the model, we had another concern. The models are often nude, and the large space, even redone, may prove to be a bit chilly in the winter. The answer was simple, and we installed four hanging fixtures of heat lamps.

The heat lamps will do their job and keep the model toasty warm, however, there seems to be two kinds of heat lamps. Basically it’s one for chicken coops and one for fries, burgers etc. The basic difference is that chickens’ usually are heated by red bulbs, and food, because it needs to look good, is heated by clear bulbs.

As you may have guessed, when we lit up the model with our elaborate lighting display, and then went to heat the model up, we discovered we had created the red model, bathed in a warm red glow and looking like a very large chicken!

A Tree Grows in Ancaster

I had to remove a dying tree last week, a mercy mission as it was on its last legs. It was a weeping caragana. After much shovelling, pushing, grabbing and shoving I decided to fix my chain saw and get the job done. Once repaired, the chain saw did it in a snap. I was satisfied, and the missing tree was not even noticeable in the place it stood among many other plantings. My hopes that it was over were dashed by my wife’s insistence that it be replaced ASAP.

After just a bit of thought, I decided to push for a Japanese Maple, we already have one we put in our back yard, and it was the tree in my front yard as I grew up. My wife readily agreed and off we went with trying to find an appropriate one.

I called a nearby garden centre and asked about them, and they told me I was in luck as they had a 30% off sale of Japanese Maples going on right now. I asked about the price range, knowing it was a dumb question but what the hell? The fellow on the phone told me they ranged from $20 to about $1,000. This was a bit daunting and I asked about what was normal. He explained we should be able to find a good, healthy one for about $250 - $300 and we’d get 30% off of that. Doing the math, it came to $175 to $210.

I called the little garden centre across the road from themm that seems to be owned and operated by an old German guy who has been there for ages, and I asked him. He said they had really nice healthy ones for $135. I didn’t need to get a discount at this point; I just went to the little guy across the road and bought the full retail, beautiful 5’ high one for $135.
To this we added a bag of triple mix which must weigh 150 pounds, and off we went. I put the tree in place and we looked at it for the afternoon. The next day we dug the hole, poured in the tree and the triple mix and we have a tree.

It’s beautiful and will grow to be more so over time. I felt fulfilled.

The Golden Rule

Food Fair, also known by its successor name Pantry Pride, was a large supermarket chain in the United States. It was founded by Samuel N. Friedland, who opened the first store in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania in the late 1920s. As of 1957, Food Fair had 275 stores, and at its peak, the chain had more than 500 stores. Friedland's family retained control of the firm through 1978, when the chain entered bankruptcy.

In 1958, Food Fair purchased Setzer's Supermarkets, a 40-store chain in the Jacksonville, Florida, area. In 1961, Food Fair bought J.M. Fields Department Stores, a chain of discount department stores in New England. The latter chain grew substantially, expanding to areas already served by Food Fair, particularly in Florida. By the 1960s, most J.M. Fields stores featured a J.M. Fields, Food Fair, or Pantry Pride grocery store.

In the early 60’s I was wandering through a Food Fair, the new one recently opened in Reisterstown Plaza in Baltimore.

 The Reisterstown Road Plaza, usually known since its inception simply as "The Plaza," is a shopping center and mall located near the Reisterstown Plaza Metro Subway Station. Originally built as an outdoor shopping center (with two parallel rows of stores between the original anchors Hecht's and Stewarts), in recent years, much of its structure has been converted into an indoor mall and outdoor shopping center with big box stores. The Reisterstown Road Plaza opened in 1962.

So it was a new, impressive shopping center and a new, huge Food Fair and here I was shopping when I saw a flurry of activity. It was a moving crowd, not unlike a later one I saw in the Vatican when I watched the Dali Lama walking through surrounded by an entourage.

In this case, it was Mr. Friedland moving through the store. Given the time (1963), this might have been the original Mr. Friedland as he was very old. He was followed by suits (at least 2), a store manager (he had on a tie but no coat, and several stock boys. They moved down the aisle in unison, following Mr. Friedland, while he barked orders to the group. “Move the soda’s up, the Coke’s don’t go there!” he pointed and barked. “Move the dishwashing soap down to the other side”! he commented. There seemed to be a dust storm involved in this moving mass of individuals, and I could only stand and stare.

I realized that afted he was gone, the boys would spend hours re-shelving all the stock they’d just moved, but for the moment, Mr. Friedland was the king!

It was the day I also learned the Golden Rule, “He Who Has The Gold, Rules!”

The Stereo Saga

After a careful search of the available bargains, and a dumping of our stereo equipment through Kijiji, I made the Executive Decision to purchase a sound bar and eliminate the complexities of our lives. Things are difficult enough, and I didn’t want to hire a space alien to figure out how to make all our crap work together. It is difficult having a million remotes already, and stereo sound that isn’t what it used to be, so here was an easy solution.

I looked at reviews and bargains and decided good or bad, to buy a Samsung Sound Bar, having a large screen Samsung TV and a Samsung Blue ray player already.  Future Shop had the sale on, and I purchased it over the net, and had it scheduled for delivery to my office, as no one would be home.

It was sent from Mississauga, Ontario, bit it seemed to take a long time for the “in stock” item to be shipped. When it finally was shipped, I had the tracking number to follow the pathway.

Here is the tracking history:

I purchased the item on the 9^th of September from a facility that is 40 minutes away.

It was processed at the post office facility on the 12^th.

It was moved to the Stoney Creek post office facility (30 minutes away) on the 14^th.

It went out for delivery on the 15^th.

The tracking said:  Business closed for the day. Item on hold for second delivery attempt.

I called and spoke to a very nice woman and explained that during the ensuing time since I ordered the sound bar, our business front entrance was being worked on and a large sign instructs anyone to use our rear entrance. She was very understanding and said she would inform the Stoney Creek facility of the situation and that we were not closed.

On the 16^th the item went out for delivery.

The tracking said:  Business closed for the day. Item on hold for second delivery attempt.

I went ballistic and called Future Shop and explained my plight and that it wasn’t my fault and they were very understanding as they had these kind of problems before. I suggested they would be receiving the package in return from the post office after this second attempt and they promised to refund my money.

I called the post office with hope of talking to someone in Stoney Creek but she could not give out the post office secret numbers so she asked me to hold and she would get the supervisor,

After a 15-20 minute hold, a supervisor in Ottawa answered and asked about the problem. I did go ballistic, and said I didn’t need anyone on Ottawa, I needed someone in Stoney Creek, but to no avail. When I explained the situation he explained that they will not deliver in a construction site. I explained the sign, the fact that our regular mail had been delivered this way and he said they will not deliver in a construction s site. I screamed F--- Y--!!! And I hung up panting.

On the 19^th, it said: Item processed at local delivery facility and I assumed it was being sent back.

I went out and shopped at Best Buy who now had it on sale. Of course they did not have it on display, but they did the cheaper model which I hated and decided maybe this was not a great move. However, they also had the Bose stuff on sale for TV’s, and it was very simple, small and required no brains to use. It sounded great and my computer email had a Best Buy coupon for an addition $50 off. So, I bought it.

On the 20^th, while the construction people had taken a day off, the post office delivered the Samsung Sound bar!

Charged!

My daughter was a supervisor of the Grade 9 Weekend, an overnight for first year high school students, and she was one of the assisting Grade 12 Students. She used the car to pick up one of her friends, and drove to school to stay all night, and return home in the morning. Because my wife had to work on Saturday morning, she was to take my car and I would be without a vehicle for an hour until my daughter came home to rest before going to work.

Friday night was ours, and we went to a local gourmet caterer and took out a beautiful dinner. The table was set, the wine was poured and my daughter called.

The battery was dead! She and her friend were sitting in the car for reason and it was locked and they opened the door and the alarm went off. This is a kid’s story for sure. It goes on…

The alarm went off and the flashers flashed so they got it to stop and the flashers were annoying, and would of course stop eventually, so they went inside. My daughter assumed that they would go off like delayed headlights. Actually, they go off when the battery dies.

I wanted to eat my dinner, and the girls were a pain in the butt, and they had no place to go as they would be at school all night anyway so I told my daughter to call in the morning and my wife would drive me to school and I would call CAA (AAA in Canada) and they would come out and meet me in case the battery was really dead. I ate dinner, a bit grumpy because kids drive me crazy.

She texted on and off all night to keep her sleeping mother informed of all events. Then, in the morning, she decided she would be leaving earlier than expected so I had to get there and fix things. I had looked for my battery cables and surprisingly found them in the evening, so I drove to the high school and met her and started the car. I asked her to keep it running for a while, and she was unable as she had to go back in. I drove the car around for about 15 minutes, went to the Tim Horton’s drive through and got a bagel and coffee, drove back, gave her the car and went home to give my wife my car so she could go to work. All this happened by 7:30 a.m.

I came home and fell asleep!

Our Little Boy was their Little Girl

Wandering around in a small department store, kind of a Winner’s or TJ Maxx kind of a place with my wife and three boys in the early 70’s, we were carefully looking at bargains while the kids played among the clothing racks much to the dismay of the store employees.

We were doing OK, but bargain shopping kept us that way and we looked with great interest at prices. As a matter of fact, I still do.

The store PA system came on and announced that they had found a little lost girl and would her parents please come forward. We continued to shop.

Several minutes went by and the call went out again asking for the parents of the little lost girl to come forward and announce themselves to the office. We continued to shop.

A few minutes later a more desperate cry rang out as the employees and the manager found themselves in deep trouble with a missing child and missing parents.

My wife and I tsked, tsked about parents who had no control over their kids and sloppy parenting skills. At that point we decided to look for our kids and found that one of them, our middle child, was missing.

Now this was the 70’s, and long hair was popular in my community and in my family and not probably in this very uptight store.

A quick look and a brisk walk to the office determined that our little boy was their little girl!

The New Home

Years ago a friend of mine was named the President of a very prestigious California College, and was transported from the East Coast of the US out to the sunny and sometimes very different West Coast.

She moved into her new presidential home provided by the institution, and was duly impressed by her new digs. As in any home, there was work to be done even after the movers were gone and since there were no servants involved in this deal, she had to get herself together and clean the place.

So, fitted out in sweats and a bandana, she got her bucket and rag etc. and got to work spending her first Saturday cleaning. At the end of the long day, her phone rang. It was the wife of the chairman of the board calling, inviting her for a Saturday casual barbeque, California style. Several other college supporters were joining them but it was all quite casual. She explained all the things she had been doing and it was clear that this was impromptu and no fuss was required.

So, she ran upstairs and took a shower and slipped into simple shorts and a top with some white sneakers and drove over to the Chairman’s home.

She was greeted by her hostess wearing a silk dress, quite casually, and was escorted into the main area of the home where a group of supporters had gathered. All of the men were casually decked out in blue blazers with shirts and ties, and the women were casually decked out in very expensive, California casual silk outfits, casually sipping martinis.

Let me end this with the fact that she never went to another event less than fully dressed again!

The New Clothes

I know it's Miley Cyrus, not my daughter, but the photo is available.

My daughter was getting dressed to go to school on Thursday, when she came downstairs and I was stunned. Her tights were ripped across the knee. I said to my wife, “With the thousands of dollars we spend each year buying clothes for the girls, why does she insist on wearing torn clothing to school? Last week when you were in Montreal, you bought a lot of new things.”

“Those are new tights from Montreal, we just bought from H and M!”, she said.

 “They come torn”.

Meeting the Big Guy

George D. Culler was inaugurated as president of the Philadelphia College of Art on May 2, 1966, and served as its first president until 1975. Among the important men of the day, when I worked for what was called, at that time, the Union of Independent College of Art, George Culler was a giant.

In our little office in Kansas City, in our small world of nine colleges spread out over 3,000 miles, George Culler was considered the elder statesman. Of the nine college presidents who were there during my brief stay (10 months, working on a grant project) three men stand out in my memory as senior leaders. George Culler, Harry Ford at California College of Arts and Crafts (it’s former name) and Joe McCullough at the Cleveland Institute of Art. All three were lionized in our offices.

I had to travel to Philadelphia on one of my many trips that year, and I was to meet with George at his office. I managed to meet with all nine presidents sooner or later but this is one where I was waiting to be impressed because of his reputation.

In that one year I had so many meetings with so many faculty and administrators that when I returned to teaching, my mind had made a 180 degree shift and I wanted to be a College President, just as soon as possible. This maybe was not a wise decision, but it was what it was, and sooner or later I managed to do it, twice!

Having little to go on for these meetings except what I was told or gleaned about the people in advance, I was pumped to meet such an important man.

I drove around and found the Philadelphia College of Art and parked my car. I made my way to the school and was greeted by a uniformed guard at a desk in the entrance hall. I walked up to the man and said I was there to meet with President Culler. He looked at me curiously and said, “Who?” I explained I was there to meet the president of the college, and he said, “What was his name?” I said, “George Culler”. He asked me to spell it for him and he looked it up on a long list, found the name, and told me in which direction to go.

I guess you are least appreciated at home, or so it seemed to me.

It's Back to the Peignoir Set

On June 2, 2009, in a group of stories I had written I included:

I remember having a friend (a girl) and being at her house. This would have been in the 50’s. I was never there by myself; it was always with a small group, as she was going out with a high school friend. The unusual thing about this was her parents.

I know, like all parents, we have some impact on our kids’ friends. I look fondly back on my memories of some of my friends’ parents, and not so fondly on others. However, this girl had a unique family.

Her mother (we were always there at night) would always appear in a peignoir set. In those days, this was a night gown and robe, sort of a sheer thing, usually reserved for sexy fashion shots and late night trysts. It’s what young women wore on their honeymoon night. Her father, as the evening wore on, would calmly remove his pants and prance about in his shorts and an undershirt or t-shirt for a while and they would say they were going off to bed, and they would.

We were always startled!

I just sent this story to my old high school with whom I had just reconnected. He said, “I luv it! Your recollections of them are exactly right.

I remember some dinner parties they had where guests stayed maybe a bit too long (in his opinion, at least). He would disappear for a few moments and then return to the living room in his pyjamas.

They always spent all day Sundays in bed. On Saturday nights, when their daughter and I were hooking up in the den, he would stand outside the door, in the hallway out of view, and call, "It's getting late," and she would answer, "OK, Daddy"-- in a "strained" voice (LMAO!)-- and then she would ignore him till we finished.

They were very self-involved people, and not good parents to her except in material ways-- clothes and jewellery. One summer when she was working in their store, it was her birthday and they were all scheduled to go out to dinner to celebrate when the store closed. But some business associates (or friends maybe?) invited them out for the afternoon and evening, so they sent her up the street to their other store on an errand, and when she got back a few minutes later, they were gone…

Bumper Stickers

I used to like Bumper Stickers “in the day”. Nothing was more fun than reading the VW Microbus bumper ahead of you and seeing how cleaver people were. In the days before cell phones and MP3 players, it was a fun diversion. I thought I’d recall some and looked it up and found goodquotes.com and their funny bumper sticker pages. Now I was satisfied with “Suicide is redundant in Kansas” which I remembered from 1974 when I lived in Kansas. I thought I’d find a few more and was overwhelmed by this list.

 I am simply presenting it to you for your own amusement.

Caution: I drive like you do! Strangers have the best candy Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits... I'm a cruel and heartless bitch but I’m damn good at it I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go

" I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!"
" Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.
Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes
Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.
Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young
We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!
If you're rich, I’m single!
IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN
YOUR TURN SIGNAL IS STILL ON
IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE
U.S.M.C. UNCLE SAMS MISGUIDED CHILDREN
Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?
I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way.
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want
They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!
(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
...and i should care, why?
0-60 in 15 minutes!
100% Irony Free
100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
7 days with out Jesus makes one weak
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A church alive is worth the surprise!!
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity
Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King.
All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.
AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It
Are you following Jesus this close?
As If
As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy
Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk
Ax Me About Ebonics
Baby on bored
Back the badge
Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
BARBIE AIN'T HERE!.
Be Human.
Be nice society already sucks.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.
Be the kind of friend you'd want.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
Beam me up Jesus.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
Beer: making woman look better since 1965.
Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Bill Clinton 89% Fact Free
Bite Me!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please....
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
BooYah!
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Boy bands. The spawn of Satan.
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
Boys Lie!
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS
But I Just Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Ass
Buy a gun support the constitution.
Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals.
Buy American!
Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard?
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!! ??
Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'!
Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde
CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is good...you go first!
Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine
Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way!
Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.
Clean up America. Kill a redneck!
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Clones are people 2
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
Conceive. Believe. Achieve.
Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confucious say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conserve toilet paper - use both sides.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers
DANGER: I drive like you do!
DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Deep down, divers care.
Democrats=Beaureaucrats: STUPID
Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!
Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)
Did you check if your horn works?
Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Disappointed? Too bad!
Divers get more tail.
Do I look like a freakin' People Person?
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn.
Do not put a question mark where God put a period.
Do they ever shut up on your planet.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?
D'oh!
Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink.
Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.
Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive
Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.
Don't delay, paint today
Don't Drink and Drive!
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
Don't drive and derive. Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Don't f*** with my head and I won't think with my dick!
Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't laugh it's paid for.
Don't laugh; your daughter may be in back.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't make me go medieval on you.
Don't miss heaven for the world.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie.
Don't start with me you won't win!
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't trust women.
Don't wish for it...work for it.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!
Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..
Drop Dead
Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
Dyslexics Have More Fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Dyslexics Untie!
E. coli Happens
Each day is a gift.
Eagles Don't Flock.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later.
Earth first... We will strip the other planets later.
Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Editing Is A Rewording Activity
Elvis has left the planet.
Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself
Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery
Enjoy life it's not a dress rehearsal.
Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be
Eschew Obfuscation
Eschew Obfuscation
ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication)
Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Every thing is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Don’t Have Film.
Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion
Everything i need to know i learned in prison
Everything is possible just not too probable.
Everything Is Somewhere.
Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you.
EXIT
F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm!
Faster than a speeding ticket.
Fat chicks make my car scrape!
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
Fight Socialism...Vote Republican
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering...
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!
FLORIDA: Home of Electile Dysfunction
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !!
Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.
For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes!
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Forget World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Friends don't let friends drive naked!!
Friends don't let friends miss out on heaven.
Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.
Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!
Get over it!
Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.
GIMMIEABREAK!
Give blood and you too can get a free bumper sticker.
Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go Braless! It will pull the wrinkles from your face.
Go On, I will See You At The Next Light.
God Bless Our Troops.
God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.
God Must Love Stupid People, He Made So Many
God must love stupid people...he made so many!
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
Got Brains?
Got Goth?
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Graduate Soon! Millions On Welfare Depend On You
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man
Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional.
Gun control is a steady hand.
Gun control today, Total control tomorrow.
Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Hang up and drive!
Hang up and drive!
HANG-UP & DRIVE
Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!!
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
Have you bitch slapped an environmentalist today?
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu??
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE
HE IS ABLE WHO THINKS HE IS ABLE!
HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONQUERS YOU.
He who angers you, controls you!
He who farts in church sits on his own pew.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Heck is for people that don't believe in Gosh.
Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
HELP, I AM LOST AND CANNOT FIND MY BEER!
Hey dumb ass I bought my own car, not mommy and daddy!
Hey idiot- You're driving a car, not a phone booth
Hey man, you live in America now... speak Spanish!
High beams were made to piss people off!
Hogwarts Dropout
HOME SCHOOL. Smarter than ever.
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Honk if I'm Jesus!
Honk if you are blond.
Honk if you hate noise pollution!
Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton!
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Honk if you love boy bands - then drive into a tree.
HONK IF YOU LOVE GORE (use the button on your steering wheel)
Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you love Rush.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
Hope dies last!
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
Housework makes women ugly.
How about never? is never good for you?
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
How may i ignore you today?
How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK
huked on foniks werkd fer me
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
I admire gay men, they leave more women for me!
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am not speeding I am qualifying.
I am overjoyed with whelm!
I am represented by the Law Firm of Dewey, Chedum, and Howe.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
I believe the Internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!!
I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.
i can resist everything except temptation.
I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
I do work for food.
I Don’t Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ
I Don’t Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It
I don't decaf
I don't do mornings.
I don't do requests.
I DON'T DRINK IT DULLS THE DRUGS.
I don't drive fast I fly low.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't repeat gossip.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
I drank what?
I Drive Like This To Piss You Off
I drive like this to piss you off!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I Feel Like I’m Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushin’ My Luck
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
I hate bumper stickers!
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it.
I have BAD PMS and GOOD BRAKES.... you must be feeling very lucky today.
I have no desire for money. Its stuff that i want.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00
I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I just love nonverbal communication!
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.
I know...I know...pull over
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
I left the womb for this?
I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love animals - they taste great!
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
I love my country but fear my government.
I love my job...shoot me now!
I love uranus.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!.
I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you.
I may have PMS, but you're still a dick!!
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
I must hurry, for there they go and i am their leader.
I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?
I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
I press charges
I pretend to work they pretend to pay me!
I put in contacts for this?
I see dumb people.
I should never have invented the electoral college. -Al Gore
i souport publik edekasion
I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
I swerve for cats.
I talk to strangers
I Think Feminists Are Cute!
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I Took An IQ Test And The Results Were Negative.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
I Used To Be Indecisive. Now I’m Not Sure
I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
I WANT YOU to stay far away from me
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
I Was Born Brilliant; Education Ruined Me
I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
I wish I lived in New York, so I could have Voted Against Hilary!
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
I wish I were a glow worm a glow worm is never glum, because how could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I Wonder How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges
I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’m insured by the mafia, you hit me and we'll hit you.
I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off.
I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing.
I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want?
I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q."
I'd rather be a failure at something i love, than a success at something i hate.
I'd rather be fishing!
Idiots surround me!
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It ‘Til It Is
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
IF ITS TOO LOUD YOUR TOO OLD
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.
If life is just a game then I must have missed the kickoff.
If life's an idiot then you must the god.
If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
If something goes without saying - LET IT!
If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE?
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
If we weren't meant to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are reading this you are reading off a gay internet site...
If you can do the time, you can do the crime.
If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
If you can read this I can deploy your air bag!!!
If you can read this I have lost my caravan.
If you can read this sign you must be a Florida Republican.
If you can read this the bitch fell off.
If you can read this you are too close..
If you can read this you're in range.
If you can read this, I am parked.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
If you can read this, roll me over.
If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!
If you can read this,you were hooked on phonics once...
If you can read this. thank a teacher.
If you can read this... I've lost my trailer!
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
iF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE TAKE A HIKE!
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.
If you get any closer I'll fart!
If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth.
If you smoke after s e x you're doing it too fast.
If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother
If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver!
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RECESSITATE ME" on your chest!!!
If your gonna be a turd then go lie out in the yard.
If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
I'll not stop
Illiterate? Write For Free Help
I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Keep honking I'm reloading.
I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.
I'm back by popular demand.
I'm feeling uppity
I'm leaving my body to science fiction
I'm looking forward to regretting this!
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
Im not tailgating im just tring to keep my bumper on.
I'm not your monkey
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.
I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
I'm only here to ANNOY!!
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.
I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
I'm with the band.
I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
In theory, everything works.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road!
IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
It’s been one of those days all week
It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.
It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.
It's a wonderful life.... With me.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Its always too early to quit.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been Monday all week.
It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
Its not that i'm afraid to die. I just don't wanna be there when it happens.
It's not the size of the boat that matters; it's the motion in the ocean.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.
I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!
I've forgotten more than I've ever learned
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've lost my phone number - can I have yours?
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
I've upped my standards, now up yours!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Jerry's dead, Phish sucks, get a job.
Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!
Jesus is coming... Look busy.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you're an ass hole.
Jesus saves lives and them redeems them for valuable prizes.
Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores!
Join the IRS (Be audit you can be)
Judge me all u want. Just keep the verdict to yourself!
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.
Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.
Keep honking, I am reloading!.
Kevorkian for Surgeon General
Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Kiss me, i'm toxic
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh and the world laughs with you cry and the world laughs at you.
Laughter, cries and all that is wise...
Learn from your parent's mistakes use birth control!
Lets get along with me.
Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.
Life is a lesson you'll learn it when you're through.
Life is a terminal disease.
Life is just one of those things.
Life is like a straw it sucks.
Life is not a garden, so quit being a hoe!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
Life Sucks. and it leaves some mean hickies
Life. Its just a cereal
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
Life's a garden, dig it.
Life's expensive; drive defensive.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
Life's way too short to stay on topic
Listen to the silence!!
Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse behind.
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Look before you open your eyes.
Look out! Behind you!
Lord, please save me from your followers.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love for all, Hatred for none
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
Man made beer, God made pot you make the choice.
Maybe Jesus Loves You, But Everyone Else Thinks You’re An Asshole
Mean people suck.
Men are idiots and i married their king.
Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit!
Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks.
Men are proof that women have a sense of humor.
MEN. bigger. stronger. better.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you they can't laugh either.
Mistakes are proof that you are trying.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
More people I meet, more I like my dog....
Most Americans have Faith... You can tell by the Way They Drive
Most people plan to serve God at 11:00 and die at 10:30!
Musicians Duet Better
My boss is like a diaper, full of shit and always on my ass!
My boss treats me like a mushroom; He feeds me shit, and keeps me in the dark.
My child beat up your honor student!
My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary.
My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.
My child was inmate of the month at the County Jail.
My favorite color is chocolate.
My god can beat up your god
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
My IQ came back negative!
My karma ran over your dogma.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other auto is a 9MM.
My other car is a piece of shit.
My other car sticker is funny.
My other ride is your mom
My other toy has tits.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
My Reality Check Just Bounced
My son can kick your son's honor student butt.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I'll miss her.
National Atheist's Day April 1
Never cut what you can untie.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No glove no love.
No matter how bad it gets, It can always get worse.
No matter where you go; you're there.
No prohibiting allowed!
No Radio - Already Stolen!
No Sense Being Pessimistic. It Wouldn’t Work Anyway
No soup for you..
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
Non-Partisan. Non-Republican.
Not a RULES type of girl.
Not all who wander are lost.
Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car
Nothing Is Foolproof To A Sufficiently-Talented Fool
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn't have to do it.
Now That You Are Kissing My Bumper... Wanna Get Married?!?!?!
Nuke the Whales.
Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!
Oh look! just 2,852,677 more days til i start caring what you think.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers
One more repo and I’ll be debt free!
Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger live in the White House.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Overpopulation... too much of a good thing.
Pain is inevitable misery is optional.
Pardon My Driving. I’m Reloading
Park in rear
Pay good teachers good money
People before profits!
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
Please! do not feed the ego!
Police line. DO NOT CROSS.
Pol-I-Tics poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.
Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Proud mother of a delinquent child!
Pull my finger.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quiet brain! or I'll poke you with another Q-tip.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rap Is To Music What Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art
Real Men Love Jesus!
Real women don't have hot flashes they have power surges.
Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can’t Handle Drugs.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS
Rehab is for quitters.
RELISH TODAY...KETCHEUP TOMORROW
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.
Remember My Name – You’ll Be Screaming It Later
Remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Repetition is always better the second time.
S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees)
S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights
Santa’s Elves Are Just A Bunch Of Subordinate Clauses
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Save a tree, eat a beaver.
Save on gas, go fart in a jar.
Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set
Save Your Breath – You’ll Need It To Blow Up Your Date!
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
Say say NO thank you.
Scixelsyd Etinu (backward)
Screw you guys, I'm going home!
Seen It All, Done It All, Can’t Remember Most Of It
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
She’s Always Late. Her Ancestors Arrived On The June Flower
Sheesh!
Short Chicks rock!
Simplify
Sleep well Mum.
Slow thinkers keep right.
Smile and at nice.
Smile and the world smiles with you, Fart and you stand alone.
Smile. It’s The Second Best Thing You Can Do With Your Lips.
Smile.........show off your teeth.
SNIPER BAR & GRILL: All you need is one shot!
so close to read it!
So many cats.... So little time.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
So you're a feminist - isn't that cute!
Some have morals; some don't, and most simply ignore them.
Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them
Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorry, you are not a winner
Spank Me!
Spare the fenders, save the trees, give the sober friend the keys.
Squirrel...it's what's for dinner.
sticker and watch the road!!!")
Stop global whining.
Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Study long study wrong.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Stupid should hurt!
Stupidity should be punished.
Stupify
Suburbia: Where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them.
Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!
Super Bowl is french for...sitting on your ass and getting fat.
Support a cause stop plate tectonics.
Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
Support publik edekasion
Support yogurt, it's the only culture some people have.
Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking is bad for you. You always known that, just like everybody else. So if you do it for 20 or 30 years, don't come crying to the courts if it makes you sick. How stupid are you anyways?
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
Take me drunk I' m home.
Talk only if you can improve on the silence.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Thank You...YOU MAY GO!!
Thanks for being a contestant.
That’s all I'm saying and I ain't saying no more.
The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken that smoked pot?
The beatings will continue until employee morale improves.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.
The horn blows does the driver!
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
The Lord made us all different... Democrats want to make us all the same!
The meek will Internet the world.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live.
The more you listen, the more you know.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The princess is in.
The road to hell is paved with democrats!
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
The Second Place Is The First Loser
The Sex Was So Good That Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette.
The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The squeaky wheel is often replaced.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
There are only three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

There are only two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead!!!!
There are only two things in life you can count on: Death and Taxes.
There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust & those who eat it..
There is no shortcut to anywhere worth going.
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
They told me I was gullible...then they took it out of the dictionary.
They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!
THINK before you ACT.
This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This car is protected by an anti-theft sticker!
This is not an abandoned car.
This is the rebel base.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson.
This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Those Who Live By The Sword Get Shot By Those Who Don’t
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time Circles: The Lord Creates The Universe Evolves The Lord
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
To all you virgins; thanks for nothing!
To be loved, be lovable
To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.
To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy.
To you it's a six-pack; to me it's a support group.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
Too many freaks, not enough circus's!
Try it sober!
Turn Signals: Not just for smart people anymore.
Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS!
Unlike online, in reality, you can’t hit the back button.
Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!
Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Up My Clothes.
visualize whirled peas
Vote BUSH/CHENEY
Want to be somebody? Don't drive after drinking.
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
WARNING: mental backup in progress.
Was today really necessary?
WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are having EVER so much fun!
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
Welcome to California. Now go home!
Welcome to reality...come again soon.
Welcome To Shit Creek – Sorry, We’re Out Of Paddles
Well, isn't that special!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about?
What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
wHAT IS THIS? BIZARROLAND??
What part of http://www.getalife.com do you not understand?
WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO!
What would Xena Do?
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
What, are you stuck on stupid.
Whatever!
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING.
When I die bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass.
When I married 'Mr. Right,' I didn't know his first name was 'always.'
When i want your opinion i'll beat it out of you.
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in.
When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Where is this porn?
Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.
Where there's a will there's a BEER!
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Which came first, the woman or the department store?
Who are these kids and why are they calling me MOM?
Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
who needs this crap.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Who's Your Daddy?
Why am I so thirsty when I drank so much last night?
Why are girls that way?
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Why be normal?
Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up?
Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they call it a bumper if your not going to use it?
Why do we believe everything we see in newspapers but question what the Bible says?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
WHY ME?
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Without pain and suffering you have no choice!
Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!.
Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!
Yes, in fact...my father does own this road.
Yesterday I knew nothing today I know that.
You ain't seen nothin' yet...
You Are Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot
You are driving to close I can see your bald spot.
YOU ARE HERE!
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
You can't be late until you show up.
You get all this and my dads loaded.
You have been a naughty boy, go to my room!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted And Used Against You
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
You just lived your best moment, now GO live another!
You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.
You went on vacation and all i got was this stupid bumper sticker?
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
YOU! Out of the gene pool.
You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me
Your Child May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still An Asshole
Your honor student deals the best drugs.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your such a Muggle!
Your village called, their idiot is missing.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
You're not the boss of me!