Arthur's Days

Shrimp Cocktail

2012-02-13T09:08:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia says that Prawn cocktail is a seafood dish consisting of "shelled prawns in mayonnaise and tomato dressing, served in a glass". It was the most popular hors d'œuvre in Great Britain from the 1960s to the late 1980s.

I think of it as Shrimp Cocktail, the ultimate hors d'œuvre from the 50’s through the 80’s in “regular” (non-ethnic) restaurants. It was always a thrill for me to get large, sweet shrimp in fancy containers with tangy horseradish/catsup type of sauce. I knew we could make it at home but we seem to never do that.

It has all but disappeared from most menus as a sign of the changing times. And when it is there, I tend not to order as I think, I can do that. And, of course, I don’t.

Last night before dinner, a special dinner from the mid-century menu as well, Steak Diane, we had Shrimp Cocktail.

Put together beautifully by my wife with sweet, succulent shrimp, wonderful tangy homemade seafood sauce and small, tender romaine leaves and a special cracker, a sort of olive oil based Pita Chip and a lemon slice! This was heaven!

The Steak Diane usually was made at the table in days gone by and flamed. We did flame it and ran around trying to figure how to stop the fire! (It had a pizza pan finish, as the pizza pan was dropped on the flaming pot to extinguish the fire. The steaks were fantastic, of course.

The Persistent Man

2012-02-12T07:31:00.000-08:00

My old buddy thought of himself as a real “lady killer” in the old days, and tried his “smooth lines” on women he casually met every now and then. I know it worked, and although one may have thought it a bit sad, he was persistent about it. And, as a married man, he was discreet.

We were off at a conference somewhere, I believe it was Philadelphia, and it was the mid 80’s. My friend was casually wandering down the hallway leading to his room, when the elevator opened and a beautiful, well-dressed woman appeared and was looking around. Not one to leave a damsel in distress, he went over to her and offered to help. She seemed a bit confused but they struck up a conversation, and they walked down the halls toward, he knew, his room.

She noted to him that the hotel seemed to be full of artists and professor types. He explained the reason for the meeting and she seemed real interested in his story. They continued down the hallway and finally arrived at his room. Mr. Smooth was about take his move when she said, “There are all these artists and teachers here today and none of them seem to want to f**k!”

It was at that point that he realized he was smooth talking a “professional”.

I have no idea how was able to extricate himself from the situation but clearly, paying for it was not an option for him!

The Watch Dilemma...a moment in time

2012-02-08T16:40:00.000-08:00

I wrote once about the $10 watch with the $11 band. That band is now done in but so far I have refused to buy another.

This situation however, was as funny, but as sad. I did have some choices of course, but chose not to use them and went ahead with the expensive option.

Here’s the watch. It’s great, and I wear it often. It’s huge and was $4.80 delivered.

It takes about two weeks plus to get here from somewhere deep in China, sent through a tractable courier service. All this for $4.80! It comes from Deal Extreme, and I have purchased more than 8 or so watches from them. They have a vast warehouse of styles.

I have had this one for more than a year and finally it needed a battery and there was the dilemma! A new battery installed was $10. It was cheaper to order two more for less money! I was not in a hurry, but it seemed stupid to toss away a nice watch that wasn’t broken and just needed a new battery.

I just replaced the battery and put $10 into the Canadian economy rather than $4.80 into the Chinese economy.

Icewine Martini for Two

2012-02-06T06:59:00.000-08:00

Icewine Martini (from the LCBO magazine)

Today Canada is one of the top producers in the world of premium Icewine, but it was Germany that first invented it in the late 1700s. Subtly sweet and seductive, this drink features Icewine, and is mixed with vodka and club soda.

No one can control Mother Nature. German winemakers experienced her wrath first hand, when frost came early, leaving their grapes frozen and ruined, or so they thought. One clever soul decided to pick some of the frozen grapes, and realized their sweetness. Soon the grapes were pressed and the first Icewine was made.

Almost a century later in Ontario, Karl Kaiser, an Australian-born chemist, and Donald Ziraldo, a young Italian-Canadian, joined forces to open Inniskillin Winery. In 1984, this dynamic duo made their first successful Inniskillin Icewine. In time, the Niagara regions Icewine Festival began, and now glamorous galas and winery tastings are hosted each year. It is believed this is where The Icewine Martini made by Inniskillin was first introduced and became an instant classic.

Ingredients

1 oz Icewine
1 1/2 oz Premium Vodka
Splash of club soda
Frozen grape

I had gotten my wife a small bottle (a miniature) of Icewine as a stocking stuffer at Christmas. When we saw this recipe we realized that we now had something good to do with the Icewine.

Two of them before dinner and the Super Bowl was perfect!

My Boardwalk Empire

2012-02-03T11:05:00.000-08:00

Another one I think I wrote but can’t find now that I try. So, OK, it’s my Boardwalk Empire revisited.

In the late 50’s a bunch of us had gone to Atlantic City for a week’s vacation. Vacation from what?

Who knew? We were on summer break from high school and Atlantic City seemed like a great idea.

I remember we had gone to dinner at some restaurant and it was expensive. We wanted to get extra drinks (lemonade or something) but they were lots of money so we didn’t get seconds.

We had gone into the games room of a nearby, high end hotel (the now defunct Traymore Hotel) and it was full of other teen agers playing pin ball machines etc. I was walking by the change machine which was being “played” by two local residents, when they managed to break into the machine and were busily scooping out quarters from the money slot.

My brain focused on the activity and without breaking stride I walked by and quickly removed the coin basket in the bottom of the machine as they struggled with the coin chute. I put it in my pocket and calling my “henchmen” to my side I walked as fast as possible through the crowd, past a rushing security guard aiming for the trouble makers, and exited out of the hotel door with my friends.

Off we went to the aforementioned restaurant and had a second food event, with two lemonades for all! Our ill-gotten gains squandered on food and drink. The restaurant didn’t mind being paid off in quarters, so we all had a wonderful time.

This has not led to a life of crime, albeit this is some sort of confession.

Exotic Eating at Costco

2012-02-01T18:19:00.000-08:00

I left work early today and went off for a visit to Costco. Now normally, I don’t visit Costco often, but my wife had said the next time I go, I should get some maple syrup which was always a good buy there. Unfortunately, it has gone up from about $10 a bottle to $12.59, but I thought it was a nice day to shop and I took the opportunity to look around Costco for “stuff”.

I traveled through the TV’s and computers as always, and loved it all. However, it was the exotic food tasting that got to me today. I was just there to stroll, so when I ran into a food tasting, I tried it. I only went to three, but it has changed so much from the earliest “Joe Lunch bucket” Costco favorites to an exotic menu worthy of the Food Channel.

In a few minutes I had Chicken Kabob with Tzatziki, a hot shrimp in Thai Chili Sauce and a smoked oyster on a wheat cracker. This was just on a normal Wednesday afternoon at about 4p.m.

I was overwhelmed! This is not what I was prepared for. My congratulations to them all! I missed the lady handing out an exotic breakfast cereal with blueberries and almonds, although I bought a box anyway as it looked good, and I also got my syrup.

I think I’ll be back next week to see if I can do the free lunchtime buffet! If not, there is always their huge hot dog and fries for about $2.50 and that’s with a large soft drink! OK, not too exotic but what a deal!

An Old Art School Story (sort of)

2012-01-30T07:29:00.000-08:00

So when old stories came to mind, the firstone I used to think about involved this guy Lou somebody and his wife Gail whoowned a coffee shop in Baltimore in the early 60’s. The shop was called theAblamov (I believe).

My good friend stayed there way too lateone night drinking (not coffee) the night Gail decided to leave her husband andrun away with my friend to New York.

He was too drunk to know much about this,but woke up sleeping with her in her car on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike,early one morning. He demanded to be driven back to Baltimore, as he didn’twant to run away with her and he was supposed to be in school (MICA) with therest of us.

He returned sheepishly and we welcomed himback to class.

Big Guy

2012-01-28T07:53:00.000-08:00

Last week I was in the plane wending my way back home viaChicago. I arrived at the seat with trepidation, knowing I’m a big boy andhoping there would not be three people in the seats as it would be bound to inconveniencesomeone and I was to blame. I got to row 25 and laughed. In the window seat wasa guy who was at least 500 pounds! I was the least of anyone’s problems. I saidto him, “It looks like they put us together on purpose!” He laughed and I satdown in the aisle seat and knew there was no way anyone could possibly seatbetween us unless they were the size of a clarinet.

This was a full plane!

He told me not to worry, as he had purchased two seats andno one could sit next to us. He proudly showed me his ticket stubs. I did askabout one first class seat but he assured me they were sometimes too small forhim.

I looked at his produced ticket stubs as he asked me to, andI laughed.

I said,” You have two seats all right but you have 25B and26B. This means you have to be in two different rows!”

Needless to say when the guy in his seat showed up andlooked at us he was happy to move into 26B.

We had a nice conversation which did not dwell upon size andmade it easily to Chicago.

You said Hookah Bar, not Hooker Bar......

2012-01-24T15:51:00.000-08:00

Having been in the bars for several hours, my sons and I, onvacation together, decided we neededsome food. We went to the concierge, and he told us about a Mid-Easternrestaurant, right across the road from our resort, where we could find a goodmeal. We all love Mid-Eastern food so off we went.

What we didn’t know was it was a Club, or sort of, it was aHookah Bar and it was Natasha’s 17^th birthday.

So, you ask, who is Natasha? We still don’t know, but shewas having a huge birthday party, with a DJ, and we ended up in the middle ofit.

Much like a Saturday Night Live skit, we had gone into theTwilight Zone.

There were at least 30 people celebrating Natasha’s 17^thbirthday, with an age range of about 17 or 18 to about 35. They were perhapsRussian, Lebanese, and or Greek. They were all beautiful, sexy and welldressed, and it kept looking like the opening of CSI Miami. I kept waiting forthe guys with the machine guns to run in and blast us all.

The music was loud, and they passed the mike around so all ofNatasha’s friends could wish her a happy birthday and it included her businesspartner. Who has a business partner at 17?

We kept drinking and eating amazing food, and it got wilderas the night wore on. The dancers (guests) were so sexy that none of us could believeit. The atmosphere was wonderful and loud.

As we neared the end of our ability to keep on eating anddrinking, it just seemed so natural for us to get the Hookah, although none ofmy boys ever smoked. I last smoked in1968. It came with the ever popular Apple Mint flavour and we all smoked. Iguess it must be a flavour enhanced herb of some sort but we persisted. It wasfine, and later I used my “puffer” so I could once again breath.

As we left the party sometime after one, and they were allgoing strong. My youngest son and clearly our designated walker decided to goback across the middle of the street with me following, with traffic flowing,and we hit the median bushes with a chain link fence enclosed in them. Therewas no way two inebriated gentlemen would ever cross over a fence in the darkon a busy street, and after a number of close calls we made it to the light andcrossed.

When we got back to our hotel, the good news was the bar hadclosed so we all went to sleep.

The next day was a “sit by the pool and repair our heads”day.

My mother was an interesting woman...

2012-01-18T18:23:00.000-08:00

My mother had retired, and as a former office manager,she had great office skills, back in the day. She could file and type andstuff, way before the computer was a reality. Way back in 1978, when HarryHughes was beginning his campaign for governor of Maryland, he had a small baseof support. He was fighting a large Democratic machine, the then LieutenantGovernor Blair Lee and he was the independent candidate.

The night he won the StateDemocratic primary, he thanked three people by name; his Campaign Manager, hiswife Patricia, and his one full-time permanent volunteer, my mother, Rena Greenblatt.Once the candidate became the party nominee, there was a complete office staff,but my mother stayed on anyway, and later was appointed to the Commission onAging, and was, by her own admission, the only “old person” on the committee.

The morning after the soon tobe Governor had won the primary; he was on television thanking his threestalwarts. Soon after that announcement, my mother received a call from afriend in her seniors building. “Rena”, she said, “you’ll never believe it!”“There’s another woman out there with the same name as you”!

It was simply too hard toimagine my mother, at her age, in a place of importance.

“It’s so small!”

2012-01-16T11:52:00.000-08:00

I was given a cute little martini shaped pin, that had ablinker in it, so it blinked and blinged all day. It was very cute and my beautiful,young (younger than me for sure) friend loved it. She was excited by it, andcame over to me and pulled it. It came off in her hand, upsetting her of coursebecause she hadn’t meant to do such a thing.

She looked at the back and realized it wasn’t held on with apin mechanism, it was “magic”. “What held it in place”, she asked? “A magnet”, Iexclaimed. “Where did it go?” Down my sweater, “I guessed. I pulled out thebottom of my sweater and the magnet fell to the floor.

Embarrassed, she went down on her knees to retrieve themagnet from the floor in front of me. She found it, and held it up, and with anapologetic look she said, “It’s so small!”

OK, it’s my birthday I know, and she’s trying to help, butwhen you get as old as me, the last thing you want is for a beautiful woman tobe in front of you, on her knees, exclaiming to the world, “It’s so small!”

I wrote this as an email in May, 2001

2012-01-14T11:27:00.000-08:00

My father in 1933.

I knew that my on my father’s side myGrandfather came from Russia. I had donated his papers to the Jewish HistoricalSociety in Baltimore when I inherited them from my father. In those papers washis Russian draft notice. I knew he came to Baltimore, was married to mygrandmother who had passed away in the 20’s, had 5 children of which my fatherwas the youngest, and I knew all the children of his children, although Ididn’t know many of the next generation. I was born when my father was 43, so Iwas a late son of the youngest child so my first cousins that are left are nowall in their 70’s and 80’s (updated to 80's and 90's). I had no more information, and wasn’t looking formore.

My youngest daughter was part of a HeritageDay program at her school, in which each child brought in some information and“stuff” pertaining to their heritage. Her heritage is German, English,Lithuanian and Russian, as far as we knew, so we chose Russian, and providedher with a Russian Doll, some Russian money a family picture or two fromRussia.

So…one day, a few months ago, I was foolingaround on my computer, something I have been paid to do for years, and I triedmy Grandfathers name on Google, and began to read various dead ends for fun. Iran across a question of a web site devoted to Lithuanian Jews and Jewishsettlements in Lithuania in the 19^th century, which asked if anyoneknew the whereabouts of my Grandfather and his family. They listed him by nameand my grandmother and an Aunt or two. The question was dated 1993. I returnedthe email but the link was gone.

A few days later, I tried the woman’s namewho asked the question on Google, and found her still actively involved in aLithuanian search. I wrote to her and asked if she was still interested, andshe was. She had spoken with two of my cousins several years ago, but cut theconversation short as she was on her way to Salt Lake City for more research. Ibegan to include many of my cousins and my sons in the email, and sent her anup to date history of my family, as far as I could, including numbers of kidsbut not always names.

She began to correspond, and it seems that my grandfatherwas in fact from Lithuania, was one of six children, she had all the names andages, I’d never heard of any of this. She gave us the ship info for when theyarrived in New York. She gave us a new world! My son said we began to seepeople in our minds, real flesh and blood persons with names and histories. Thesky had opened!

That’s the story. It was quite a week.

Paranoia?

2012-01-10T07:26:00.000-08:00

I don’t know if I should be thankful or unhappy. I may be asad soul, or just old and fat, or it may be just a nice gesture from a friend,so let me tell you what happened and you can figure it out for yourself.

On Sunday, I was taking my daughter to the airport in themorning. She had packed her new suitcase (a Christmas present from her parents)and it weighed 58 pounds. I struggled with it down the steps and out to the car(on wheels once it left the house) and put it behind my car and opened the backto put the case in.

My neighbors, their whole family, were going out for a walkon this beautiful sunny, clear winter day and they spied me. The head of thehousehold (the guy) came briskly over and said, “Here Arthur, let me give you ahand with that” and he picked it up and put it in the car.

I thanked him but was concerned. Did I look too weak to liftit, since I had brought it down the stairs and out already? Did he perceive meas too old to lift it? He is a young man of about 40 or so.

Was it just a neighborly gesture of help? It was meant wellfor sure and I did appreciate it. However, he wasn’t going to go to the airportwith me to get it out of the car so what’s the difference?

Am I paranoid? (of course!)

Steering ....

2012-01-06T07:38:00.000-08:00

Last Tuesday, when Ileft work, I got into my car and found out quickly that I had no powersteering. As it turned out, a line had fallen off and the fluid had drainedout, mostly it seems in my driveway.

It was no big deal inthe end and was quickly fixed the next day.

But for one drivehome, I was reminded of the "old days". As I remember, myfather-in-law had a 1956 Oldsmobile he purchased without power steering. Myride home with a 4400 pound Cadillac with no power steering reminded me ofparking that car. Even though I learned to drive with power steering, the gearratios on the steering units were different than a car built with powersteering and losing it.

My first car, a 1950Ford two door had no power steering but was simple enough to steer. The onething we never wanted to do with one of those was park without rolling. To turnthe wheel sitting still was agony. Only weight lifters could turn those wheels.And on my ride to the garage to make an appointment and check that it was safeto drive, and on to home afterwards, I kept remembering to roll forward and notto try and turn sitting still.

From Wikipedia:

The first power steeringsystem on an automobile was apparently installed in 1876 by a man with thesurname of Fitts. Little else is known about him. The next power steeringsystem was put on a Columbia 5-ton truck in 1903.

Robert E. Twyford, aresident of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, USA, included a mechanical power steeringmechanism as part of his patent (U.S. Patent 646,477) issued on April 3, 1900for the first four wheel drive system.

Francis W. Davis, anengineer of the truck division of PierceArrow began exploring howsteering could be made easier, and in 1926 invented and demonstrated the firstpractical power steering system. Davis moved to GeneralMotors and refined thehydraulic-assisted power steering system, but the automaker calculated it wouldbe too expensive to produce. Davis then signed up with Bendix, a parts manufacturer for automakers. Military needsduring World War II for easier steering on heavy vehicles boosted the needfor power assistance on armored cars and tank-recovery vehicles for the British and Americanarmies.

Chrysler Corporation introduced the first commercially available passengercar power steering system on the 1951 ChryslerImperial under the name "Hydraguide".TheChrysler system was based on some of Davis' expired patents. GeneralMotors introduced the 1952 Cadillac with a power steering system using the work Davis haddone for the company almost twenty years earlier.

Charles F. Hammond, anAmerican, born in Detroit, filed several patents for improvements of powersteering with the Canadian Intellectual Property Office in 1958.

Most new vehicles nowhave power steering, owing to the trends toward front wheel drive, greatervehicle mass, and wider tires, whichall increase the required steering effort. Heavier vehicles as common in somecountries would be extremely difficult to maneuver at low speeds, whilevehicles of lighter weight may not need power assisted steering at all.

and when we took down the kiln…..

2012-01-03T11:21:00.000-08:00

and when we took down the kiln…..there was a message fromthe kiln builders…

A few years ago we removed the old kiln. The bricks werebeginning to crumble, and the arch was beginning to deteriorate. It had sometime left, maybe, according to all our home made” experts”.

Some were sure it would fall any moment, and some were sureit would last forever. But one thing we knew, it had lasted at least 30 years,and we had spent $5,000 upgrading it to meet modern standards with properdigital gauges and fans, and it was like the bionic man, part “old school” andpart newly minted.

The time had come, the grant had been written after muchresearch, and we knew we would need a kiln shipped in one piece fromCalifornia, to do gas reduction, and delivered with all of its 4700 pounds ofbrick and metal.

The Canadian dollar went down the day after the grant wassent and the actual cost was going to exceed our grant by almost $10,000, butwe were already in process.

The kiln delivery was smooth as it was sent to a heavy equipmentmoving company, a place that delivers bank vaults. We opened walls and theybuilt ramps and with lots of men, might and equipment we had the new one moved.But my story is not in the move, it was in the destruction of the old kiln. Aswe removed the layers of brick we found a message, delivered by the late potterand teacher Ann Sneath and her building crew from sometime in the past, and notunlike finding the entrance to the pyramids, we were left a message:

There is no greaterpleasure than to have your arch supported by your friends.

The Christmas Dinner

2011-12-29T09:06:00.000-08:00

Its Christmas dinner with friends. We have been invited, allfour of us, to join in a friend’s family dinner along with another party of twofriends. It’s festive and lovely.

There is a traditional (for them) family gift exchange, withmostly gag gifts exchanged and lots of bold laughter along with great appetisersand drinks. Everything is wonderfully humorous as we progress toward dinner.

Our host and friend is the master of ceremonies at this event,as it’s his house, or maybe just by the nature of his personality. We eat anddrink and laugh. Lots of funny material comes forth, with close family andfriends, his own two kids and his mother-in-law in attendance.

At some point a reference is made to something being long.The host, in a loud and good natured way, decides to tell the assembledmultitude including his kids and mother-in-law, that the first time his wife hadseen him naked, years ago, she had commented on how long his penis was!

I don’t know, but I’m just sayin’, it’s hard to outdo meusually for outrageous. But you have to give it to him!

Telling your family, including the kids, your friends andyour mother-in-law that the first time your wife saw your penis she wasimpressed by its size, that wins!

Christmas 2000

2011-12-27T04:43:00.000-08:00

I know I wrote this story before, but since it'sChristmas, and it's a real Christmas story from Christmas, 2000, I thought itdeserves to be retold.

I received a package at home from Chapters. A weekbefore, I’d ordered 2 books and a video tape (Hook) as Christmas presents, sothe box was expected.

After I took the box downstairs, I decided to open it, just in case there wassomething wrong or missing. To my surprise, it contained 7 videotapes, withHook among them. My first thought was that my sons and their families hadpitched in and bought us one big Christmas present, and with about $20-25 USfor each of the tapes, they could buy 7 videos for $175. Since it containedSandy’s favorite movie Dr. Zhivargo and one of two movies that always make mecry (Mr. Holland’s Opus, the other being Field of Dreams) along with Hook and abunch of appropriate cartoon movies, I assumed a knowledgeable person carefullyselected them. The others are the Grinch, Murder by Death, Land Before Time VIIand Joseph and his Coat or something, also a cartoon. I figured my youngest sonpurchased them for everyone, and that Chapters had failed to include the giftcard as they often make mistakes. But, just in case this was wrong, and agenerous son had done this himself, I decided not to email all and make someonefeel bad. So, I decided to call the Internet store to see what happened.

After ten minutes on hold (thank God for speakerphones) I spoke to a guy whoassured me this was my partial order, and that they had shipped Hook. Helaughed about my predicament, informed the warehouse of their error inovershipping and wished me a Merry Christmas. He said it’s now up to them totake care of it.

I know that they will ignore my response, as it will cost more to send UPS orsomeone to pick it all up than it is worth. Who knows. I was honest, andperhaps I’ve lived in Canada so long that I respond without larceny in myheart. However, by Christmas, this all will be mine, I guess.

This is sort of a Christmas Story, I guess.

Of couse they never responded.

Have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year!

A Reprint from October 8, 2009 One of the Best Christmas Stories I Have

2011-12-21T13:56:00.000-08:00

In the mid-50's, my friend Ted worked at the mall, and had access to the Santa Suit right after the mall closed on Christmas Eve. It was sweaty and stale, but he could get it and return it a day or two later to the rightful owner. He was so excited!

I would drive his car as it was a bit difficult for him to drive with pillows stuffed in his suit, and besides, he didn’t want to go out alone.

We would go to the gas station near the mall, a favorite place for us, and the owner would get us to go house to surprise his kids. We had to be at a Christmas Eve party about 11:00p.m. to scare the kids there, but we were free from about 6:00p.m., when the mall closed on Christmas Eve, until then.

Our desire was to get free booze and make kids happy (sort of).

We started out at the gas station owner’s house, and would drink with the guys in the basement while the ladies cooked and fussed upstairs. This was the 50’s, and this was a blue collar neighborhood, and we were two teen aged Jewish boys out being Santa and his helper!

When we left the house, the fun began. We would walk slowly, or drive slowly, if no one was out to see us, until someone invited us in. This was a kinder, gentler time and no one suspected that we were criminals, or even suspected two Jewish boys with ulterior motives, it was Christmas, and we had Santa!

From house to house we went and drank and jollied all the way! (We may have jingled too!)

By 11:00, we would make our way to our friend’s house, quite lit up, and woke the kids (her brother and sister) and had a great time! Everyone was drinking and we were happy as clams! The kids were generally scared by being woken up by the drunken Santa with a cheesy Irish accent, wishing them the happiest of holidays!

Sometimes I’d have to pull over, so Santa could get out of the car and hurl.

I miss those happy times!

The Christmas Cruise

2011-12-18T08:54:00.001-08:00

If you know me at all, you know I’m not getting on anycruise to anywhere. However, yesterday was interesting.

I had arranged for my daughter’s flight home forChristmas from Montreal to Toronto, with the idea that we’d pick her up at theairport. I timed it well, making sure she would be coming in at mid-day, so asto avoid much of the traffic problems associated with Toronto traveling. Shewas scheduled to come in at 11:40 a.m., giving us an easy commute leaving a bitafter 10.

My wife was concerned about arrival timing, so shechecked with the airlines a bit before we left for the airport, only to findout I’d scheduled her for the Island Airport, Toronto’s City Airport. I hadpaid no attention to the airport as she was flying on Air Canada and as far asI knew (the problem) they use Pierson Airport. The Island Airport is used onlyby Porter Airlines (or so I imagined).

I ran to the computer and double checked, and of courseshe was correct. I had never been to that airport, and although I kind of knewwhere it was, I went to MapQuest for directions. It was simple and the samedistance as Pierson but should be an easier commute. Parking was a bit weird,as the information available was sketchy, and I couldn’t quite figure out whatto do. It did say there was parking on Stadium, but limited parking at theairport was available.

It was a short 45 minutes in minimal traffic to getthere, thank God, and we followed the directions which made me pass Stadium andgo to the airport and discover we couldn’t park as there were no spaces left.After a few confusing minutes, we backtracked to Stadium and found easy accessparking.

After we park we walk around an easy to find pathway tothe two level boat entrance, as the Island Airport is on an Island. The ferry ride takes only a few minutes and at 121 meters(about 400 feet), it is in fact one of the shortest ferry trips in the world.It leaves about every 15 minutes. The ride is free for walkers, who enter onthe second floor, and there is a charge if you come in a car, and cars use thefirst floor.

We had enough time topark the car, walk to the ferry, meet our daughter, and we all took the ferryback.

I explained to mydaughter who had never been here before as well, that this was our family ChristmasCruise, 400 feet of sheer boating exhilaration.

The Christmas Gift

2011-12-16T02:51:00.000-08:00

I only lost my wallet once in my life, and it was onlylost for a short time. It was 1965 or so, at Christmastime, and I was teachingJunior High school. This was on a day where the kids were gone and the teacherswere finishing grades, with a lunch and a Secret Santa party afterward in theschool. Right before lunch I had the need to go to the bathroom.

I sat on the toilet (this is the graphic bit) thinkingabout my day, and it was a good chance to sit down. I realized I had better getmoving because we were off to our events and I hurried out of the bathroom.

A while later I realized that I had lost my wallet. I ranaround the school searching for the wallet to no avail. I had surely brought itwith me in the morning but where had it gone to?

The time was running out, and seeing no end in sight, Ijust moved on to the activities of the day. We got through the lunch, a jollybunch of young teachers with no kids in school and moved on to the Secret Santagifts. While I have little memory of the day, I do remember my first present (thereshould only have been one), a happy group of teachers all waited while Iunwrapped a beautifully wrapped present of my wallet! One of the teachers hadfound it on the floor of the teachers Men’s Room and carefully wrapped it upin Christmas paper and all waited for my reaction.

I was embarrassed, of course, but it was a happy day for me! Mywallet was back, and I haven’t lost one since.

My Dear Wife

2011-12-10T02:51:00.001-08:00

My dear wife of 24 years is often conscience of the disparitybetween our ages, being quite far apart. She is currently 54 years old, and ingreat shape (for a woman of her age). That will get me in trouble for sure!

The other day, she went off to Shoppers Drugs to purchasesome butter, eggs, Kleenex and a birthday card. All of these items were on saleand lost leaders, I suppose, for the drug store. Food now packs them into thedrugstore instead of our running off to the supermarket (the inconveniencestore) or the convenience store.

She did not try to look good for the clerk, or look bad. Ibelieve she was at lunch, in between jobs, working at several children’scenters. She was dressed as normal, and made up as normal. I have to qualifyall of this, as you can see from the sales slip, she was given, without asking,a seniors discount on the greeting card!

The $.74 discount had no positive effecton this shopper! She was mortified!

It should be a big birthday

2011-12-06T09:12:00.001-08:00

My first child,in the early 60's

I remember when my first child was born, I was so young (20)that I thought, “My God! When I’m 70 he’ll be 50!” That thought has crept upinto my head along with my thinking, “I wonder if I’ll live long enough to seemy daughters’ graduate high school?” Given that they were born after I was 50!

Now, that my birthday is approaching, I realized my sonwould be 50. He told me he wanted no big deals made about his birthday, and Ihave no party to attend. I was disappointed, but just because I picturedsomething 50 years ago, does not mean it should be. I can deal with the disappointment.

So, I happily worked on an appropriate gift. While it isn’ta large or an overwhelming gift, it is a food gift that has some meaning to ourfamilies, and I thought he and his family would enjoy it. I have arranged forit to be delivered on Thursday of this week, his birthday being on Sunday.

I was worried he would go away to avoid a birthday event, soI emailed him to let him know it was coming on Thursday and if he wasn’t around,he should make some arrangements for retrieval.

I received an email from my son. “Dad, you do know it’s my49^th birthday don’t you, not my 50^th?”

Oh My God! I was so focused on the same year that I failedto notice his birthday is in December and mine is in January! Next year we willreach that milestone!

My son and his family are receiving a very nice Holiday Giftthis year. I wonder what I‘ll do next year when he finally turns 50!

Bruce's Christmas

2011-12-03T13:15:00.001-08:00

What can I say? We went to Bruce’s Salon to see hisChristmas decorations. It was an experience.

Each year Bruce doll’s up the place with his dolls, who livethere year round but get especially fixed up at Christmas time.

It is a trip down non-memory lane, a memory I only wish I’dhad. Beautiful women (OK, not real women) artfully dressed up in lovelyoutfits. This year’s a Pink Christmas, and last year it was Silver. Each yearit gets more intense, more crowded and more fun to visit.

The photos will say it all.

Merry Christmas.

Biggest Loser, Biggest Boozer

2011-11-29T06:22:00.001-08:00

It’s the Friday night after Thanksgiving and we have gatheredmy wife, my youngest daughter, my mother-in-law and a group of friends in arestaurant in suburban New Jersey to celebrate the season. My friend, Jay Jacobs,one of the final four from Biggest Loser’s last season shows, was in attendancewith his wife and son. His daughter who was on the show with him was away.

I had some fear about eating with the Biggest Loser, as I amalways getting yelled at by my family for my overeating style and weight gain.Jay had gone from 400 pounds to 244 (I think) during the duration of the show,and I watched faithfully. Now, here I was having dinner with him and I wasafraid he would eat the napkin and no matter what I had it would go badly forme with my family.

Jay does not drink very often if at all, so he didn’t drinkalthough that wasn’t a surprise. I had a martini before I left for therestaurant, one at the restaurant and some wine with dinner. Compared to Jayand the others at the table, I was the biggest boozer. Hardly did I need adesignated driver, but by comparison it didn’t look good.

I had a salad to start, a green one with vinaigrette, a non-issue.I had a scallop dinner with good stuff on the side and no fried stuff and nodessert. My family all had desert, and Jay ate well. I was delighted he had no particulareating hang ups and I did well. I had a coffee and we all went home after a twoto three hour visit.

At the end of the evening he remained the biggest loser andI remained the biggest boozer but we all had fun.

Car Story

2011-11-23T08:39:00.001-08:00

Last year I was having a problem with my car. It washesitating when I started and turned corners and the Traction Assistinformation flashed across the information screen in my car. I was veryconcerned but looked on the internet and learned it could be a computer glitchin some weird unrelated piece of stuff on my steering column. I took it in andthe garage guys told me after a computer look that it was just such a problemand if it continued I should bring it back, as it was intermittent. I agreedand never saw it again until last week, when it got cold.

I related the concept to perhaps cold weather, and it wasirritating, and I was on the verge of dealing with it, but I have to make along trip this week, and decided to wait and see if it went away.

As I got into my car after work yesterday, all hell brokeloose. The Traction Assist light lit, and the Service Stabilization Unitmessage came on followed by the Service Brake Assist message and the ABS light wentoff.

I had messages galore as well as two lights on full blast.The car seemed fine but I was in a panic. I was in a hurry, but I went directlyto the garage and asked for help. I was assured, that even if I had a big tripplanned, the ABS and the Traction Control were not problems unless I was goinginto a snow storm which is highly unlikely.

I asked to be seen today if possible, and they put me intothe book. I asked for a loner vehicle and they had one and I was written intothe calendar. They offered me a car and said I could leave mine but I needed it last nightand didn’t want to go out in the loner car with their name emblazoned on theside. I decided to come back thismorning with my car.

I started to drive out of the lot when I pulled over and ranback inside. Everything had just gone back to normal! The lights were gone. Themessages stopped. The traction control was fine and the car was great lastnight in a cold and bad rainstorm, I got a high-five from the garage owner as he removed me from the list.

The Lord moves in mysterious ways I guess, but all seems tobe right with the world this morning!

A Great Detroit Joke

2011-11-22T10:54:00.001-08:00

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hyman, and Maximillian invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17th, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97ºF.

The 3 brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that 3 gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.
They persuaded him to get into the car which was about 130º - turned on the air-conditioner and cooled the car off immediately.
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them 3 million dollars for the patent.
The brothers refused saying they would settle for 2 million but they wanted the recognition by having a label "The Goldberg Air-Conditioner" on the dashboard of each car that it was installed in.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little bit anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name on 2 million Ford cars.
They haggled back and forth for about 2 hours and finally agreed on 4 million dollars and that just their first names would be shown.

And so, even today, all Ford air-conditioners show on the controls the names "Norm", "Hi", and "Max".

Versace at H&M

2011-11-20T09:01:00.001-08:00

Photo and most of the story from the Montréal Gazette

By 12:30 p.m. it was all over save disappointmentfor some and fully loaded gold embossed trophy bags for others.

Unfashionably late fashion fans who did not line upin the wee hours for a piece of Versace for H&M found the racks depletedafter staff opened the gates for remainders of the collection at about 12:30Saturday afternoon.

It was a mad swarm for a last grab at themerchandise, according to many accounts.

Some fans starting lining up at 3 p.m. Friday afternoonfor the 8 a.m. launch Saturday of the collection, the latest in the Swedishretailing giants list of guest designers.

Michael Mancini came in from Ottawa with hisdaughter, Clara, 13. At just after 10 a.m.,the pair were loaded with dresses,scarves and other accessories. Clara said she lined up at 4 a.m. for a braceletthat would allow access to a gated area in the store to shop. Her father saidhe declined to line up that early.

“I love how they are out of people’s comfort zone,”said Clara, who plans to go to design school. “They’re always original, they’rereally trendy and they set new styles,” she said, explaining why she likesVersace.

Clara said she had researched the line in the pastfew months, so she was aware it was a collection based on archival designs.

Tara Sigal, 26, was at the cash with a huge haul ofclothing, whose tally came to about $1,400.

“I literally took everything in a Size 2. I’m goingto take it home, try it on. I think the whole collection is great. Whateverlooks good I’m going to keep. If not I’ll bring it back.

“You got to get what you can.”

Sigal, who makes airline uniforms, said it was herfirst foray to an H&M collaboration collection.

“I love the colours,” she said of the Versace line.

My daughter arrived a few minutes late and never got a wrist band whicheliminated her from getting in during the initial rush. They only let in a fewat a time as space was at a premium. At 12:30, the late ones could return andbe let in to see what was left.

Of course, the perfect dress was left and at 12:32 we got the call. My daughter had grabbed this one out of someone’shands as they thought about the purchase, and went to a secure spot to call anddiscuss this with her mother (and me through off mike shouting). The decisionwas to get it as if you don’t you will regret it forever. It will always be “theone that got away”.

All shoppers have “the one that got away” stories and always have some “theone that I got” ones as well.

I have a sad tale about a set of oak Chinese Chippendale chairs sittingout on a curb for $600 ($100 apiece) that I didn’t buy (too much money) and apair of Timberland boots at a factorydiscount store that kept getting cheaper, so I pocketed (OK, it’s stealing,sort of) the laces out of them, and bought them a few weeks later for $17.50.

My daughter is a happy camper, I’m $200 poorer, but a guy who encouragesbargains and hopefully creates the situation for lifelong memories.

Editor’s Note: My daughter, when returning to H&M, hit asnag. The Santa Claus Parade had started and she was not allowed to cross thestreet. She tried and was turned back by a uniformed guard and told not tocross until after 1:30 p.m. when then parade had finished.

She saw a woman walking with an H&M Versace bag andapproached her, who it turned out was also trying to cross the street. Theyformed a partnership, wandered back past that guards area of responsibility andwaited until the parade was walking by. They both darted into the parade andmade their way across the street and back to H&M.

My daughter was let in with the woman and proceeded to lookfor items, and found a small purse for $125. She gave that to someone else andmanaged to get the dress away from someone else in the correct size.

Phone Wars

2011-11-18T12:30:00.001-08:00

My wife and I were sitting in a restaurant this afternooneating lunch, when we both realized simultaneously that the two women to myright, sitting just a few feet away from us, were heavily engaged in phonemessaging. Both women, in their mid-forties, were looking at their handsholding a Blackberry (the closer one) and an I-phone, the farther one andtexting I guessed.

I leaned over and said, “Excuse me; I know this is the twenty-firstcentury, but are you really talking to each other using your phones to text?”

There was a great deal of laughter (thankfully for Mr.Nosey) and a whole bagful of explanations. They were both on their phonesalright, texting different people. One woman was from the US, and was wonderingwhy, in this land of the Blackberry, she had to use Wi-Fi to text out althoughshe could receive. The other was doing something else, and I really didn’t careexcept if they were texting each other I thought I had discovered a new phenomenon.

By the time we left my wife had given them our whole lineageas Americans, and as Canadians and I just wanted to leave.

Ghost Sock

2011-11-15T07:49:00.001-08:00

I walked into my bedroom on Monday morning while trying to getready to go to work, and I surveyed the mess. My daughter gets ready for schoolbefore we do, and we have a full length mirror in our room with enough room tostand back and survey yourself. This is a draw for our children of course, soshe naturally comes in every morning to check herself out and make changes, asshe often does.

She is not neat!

There was a print sock on the floor in front of the cedarchest at the bottom of our bed and a sweater on the ironing board and acrumpled sweatshirt on our bed. I picked up the whole mess, including the sock that seemed to be clean, and put it allin a pile on the bed. After I showered and dressed, I went downstairs andcomplained to my wife about my daughter’s mess, and how I had picked it all upand put it in a pile on our bed.

In the evening, on the way to dinner, my wife told me shehad lost a sock about a year ago, a print one, and suddenly it had appeared onthe floor near the cedar chest, and she was thankful that she had saved the oldone.

I corrected her, of course, because it was in a neat pile onthe bed. She had wondered about that herself, because she found then articlesof clothing scattered around the room, on the floor, the bed and the ironingboard.

My daughter had gone to school before I even picked up herlaundry.

Goosebumps arose all over my arms when I realized theimplications.

The Phone Call

2011-11-12T06:50:00.001-08:00

Not exactly the same phones pictured but a close relative.

I never read anything on the new phones I purchased; I justhad a deal so I went for it. My basement phones (one regular cordless and onedrone) were beginning to display problems by stopping the display on the calldisplay feature. All I had was unreadable gibberish.

It says in the ad on the Source website (which is where Ipurchased it but not ever read it):

“When you are away from your handset, the Panasonic DECT 6.0Plus conveniently announces the caller's name between rings courtesy oftext-to-speech technology, so you don't have to rush over to answer the phoneif the call is not important.”

With no knowledge of this feature, I sat at my desk and was usingthe computer when the phone rang. A disembodied voice suddenly said, “You havea call from Fortino’s”.(This is a supermarket found around Hamilton).

I jumped a few feet in the air as I was home alone and had noidea what the hell was happening.

I still had the phone box sitting next to my desk and hurriedlyread the outside to discover my own computerized phone had been talking to me.

I am calm now, and just a minute ago the phone told me the HamiltonLib-ar-y was calling. You can give it a voice but it still has trouble withpronounciation.

The Printer

2011-11-08T15:25:00.000-08:00

The printer was a problem. I had purchased new ink when thelow ink notice came up, and I assumed that would be that. However, my printerseemed to have a mind of its own and it continued to give me the low inknotice.

Now we all know what a pain this ink and printer businessis, and the fact that they could give away the printers just so we will buyink. My old office color laser cost $224 to buy and the new ink was $700! Ionly did that once and threw away the printer the next time.

I have at home a Canon MX320, it came free with my daughtersMac when she bought it and she didn’t want to take it to McGill, as they hadaccess to printers and she didn’t need this giant boat anchor with her. I likeit because it has a scanner and works as a copier as well.

I was quite surprised when the sign came up, and I tried reinstallingthe ink to no avail.

My daughter and my wife have both complained and I knew itwas still working so I paid no attention.

This morning my wife informed me the ink was out and I wasgetting to the boiling point. I decided that if I couldn’t fix it, I would buya new printer rather than get another bad cartridge from Staples.

I came downstairs and checked the color cartridge to feelthe weight, and compared it with the black ink which was the culprit, and thecolor was much heavier. I didn’t understand this one unless the drying out ofthe ink made it lighter. I said out loud to no one in particular,” I know Ibought new ink”, and I pointed to the box with the ink sitting right in frontof me at eye level, next to the office phone.

The light bulb over my head went off at this point, becauseif the box with the ink is sitting in front of me, it’s not in the printer! Iwas correct, I had purchased the new ink, I just failed to open the box andinstall the cartridge!

The Good Letter

2011-11-06T04:38:00.000-08:00

Received by email early last week:

McGill University
Montréal, Québec, Canada

November 04, 2011

Re: Student Account of ______________

Dear______________,

This is a notification that your monthly e-bill from McGill Student Accounts
is ready.
Your current balance is $3.69. Outstanding balances are due by
30-Nov-2011.

Note that account balances of less than $10.00 are notcharged interest; all
balances
owed to the University must be paid prior to graduating or leaving McGill.
To view the details of your e-bill, you must log in to Minerva (the McGill
Web
Information System) and navigate to the Student Accounts Menu under Student.

Please note that this balance is not being reduced by any future deposits or
post-dated
cheques that may be applied to your fee account before the stated fee
deadline. Nor does it take into account any fee deferrals you may have. Pleasereview your actual
e-bill for messages concerning the above, or your Account Summary by Term toview your current
balance, including an up-to-date list of transactions.

Thank You.

McGill University
Financial Services — Student Accounts
Montréal, Québec

I have no idea, even after looking at the actual on-linebill, what the $3.69 is for but I really don’t care. It may be the lowest billI have even received for anything as most places wouldn’t spend the money tobill you for so little. It’s worth that to keep them away for a month.

I paid it, in full!

The Package

2011-11-02T20:49:00.000-07:00

A package came for me the other day, not a surprise, but something I ordered. It was sent to my surprise from New Jersey, a surprise because it was from what I thought was a Canadian company, Newegg.ca. As it turns out there is a Canadian Corporation, but it is in New jersey and everyrthing gets sent from there.

It was sent Purolator, and had a tracking number for me to follow. The package arrived and I was not home so it was sent to the local office at the airport for 5 days or it would be shipped back to New Jersey.

I drove out to the airport one afternoon, which takes 25 minutes each way, effectively killing the savings I had made by ordering the thing through their website.

The object, a Wi-Fi dongle, is the size if a pushpin and could have been delivered in an envelope.

As you can see, it was packaged in a box, the box was padded for safety and “comfort” I guess, and it was blister packed in the packing.

Look at it and you will understand, there is nothing more I need to say.

Interrupted Conversation

2011-10-31T19:21:00.000-07:00

So we had this dinner with friends on Saturday night, as we did on Friday and Sunday as well, but each group was different. On Saturday the conversation seemed to morph as the wine was more consumed, and the last conversation I remember before I left the dinner table, not to return, went sort of like this:

“You know we have the earth, and we have the moon”.

Me- “uh huh…”

“ Guys go up there, and they piss and shit and eat and everything else just like we do”

Me-“ uh huh….”

“ And I have to pay taxes, and I can’t just go sit on my roof and look up and not pay taxes”

Me- “uh huh….”

“Well, why is that?”

Me- “what?...”

“You know, why do I pay taxes on this. It’s not mine at all”

Another speaker:
“Right, in this country we can’t ever own our property. It’s not fair. In the states you have property rights and we should have them!”

“Right, why do I have to pay taxes when they can go to the moon and not pay?”

Me- “uh huh…”

The Montserrat College of Art phone call

2011-10-27T22:46:00.000-07:00

Last evening I received a call from a young lady who started with, “Hi, I’m ________, a student at the Montserrat College of Art, and I’m calling to thank you for your support. I’m not selling anything! I am just calling to thank you!” I just started to laugh! I knew she was being sincere, but she was reading that which she was asked to read, and it sounded just like those fake sales calls one often gets that are so annoying.

I just laughed. I apologized to her and assured her she was doing fine, it was just the non-sales pitch that had gotten to me. She than read a prepared statement that was well done but clearly you knew that she was reading. I laughed more! I apologized again, as I didn’t want to hurt her feelings, she was sweet.

She told me she was a transferred freshman and this was the first time she had called and I was the first person she had reached who was home. I explained that I was the former President of the College from 1989 until 1993. She said (not rehearsed) that she wasn’t even born at that time. I roared!

Fearing that she would think I was just a weirdo who made this stuff up, I told her that many of the folks still there were old friends of mine and I listed a few. Thankfully, some of them were still alive and she at least knew their names. I was vindicated.

We parted friends, and I enjoyed the rest of the evening, and I hope she did too. I know I’ll get called or asked for money again anyway, because if you give once, everyone expects you to give again, and besides, we do the same kind of thing, as do all charities.

A Story From George Parrino

2011-10-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

The painting on the left is a portrait of George done by one of his more recent students. The painting on the right is hismost recent work.

The late George Parrino was my friend.

He was an artist, a teacher, and an administrator I had known for many years. He read this blog and sent me a number of long and interesting stories as part of an autobiography he was never to finish. He passed away early this year, and we had been in touch often in what turned out to be his last days.

This is one of his stories lifted from his first hand account of life:

Sometimes the institute would host trips. Now this was not so much to raise money, but was more of an opportunity to socialize with potential donors. So in 1982, we arranged a trip to Washington D.C. to visit the “In Search of Alexander” exhibition at the East Wing of the National Gallery, and to see Elizabeth Taylor on stage at the Kennedy Center in Little Foxes. And as one of our trustees was a close confident of the senior George Bush, she arranged for the group to have a reception with Barbara Bush at the Vice President’s residence on Embassy Row.

After we arrived at our hotel in the nation’s capital, and got unpacked, we boarded a chartered bus out to the Naval Observatory. On the way we began to hear a symphony of sirens, and immediately suspected something unusual must be happening. And after we were cleared through gatehouse security, and finally arrived at the front door of the Vice Presidential home, Mrs. Bush appeared at the front door. Then to our utter surprise and amazement, with a somber face she announced, “I am very sorry, but I have some very bad news. The President has just been shot.”

It was Monday the 29^th of March in 1982, just moments ago six gunshots rang out. Ronald Reagan and his press secretary James Brady had both tragically been caught by a would-be assassin’s bullets. None-the-less the consummate gracious hostess, Mrs. Bush invited thirty-seven of us in to an otherwise very pleasant afternoon tea. Meanwhile the phone kept ringing, and she kept leaving the drawing room for what we all guessed were the latest news, and Secret Service briefings. She would quickly return dutifully keeping us all informed, but for God’s sake, in some ways it was like being with Ladybird Johnson immediately after J.F.K. had been shot. And I can tell you for sure that Barbara Bush was nothing less than pure aristocratic “Grace under fire.”

A Second Letter from Hong Kong

2011-10-23T06:31:00.000-07:00

This is a wall charger for an ereader.

This is a different letter from Hong Kong. Yesterday’s letter was sweet, this one is also. I have never had such trouble before, but this is a first. These are from two different vendors. I always have had immediate sucedsss from eBay vendors. The m,ail does get tricky.

BTW, after yesterday’s posted letter, the original merchandise arrived within 24 hours and I had to tell the company. I will now follow steps two or three on their letter of instructions, as shown in the previous post. I will either reject it or pay for it, I will decide when it gets here.

The new letter (different merchandise) says:

Dear?

Really, sorry for that.

we have sent the goods to your PayPal address on 8.23. International transit time is long, and maybe something wrong on the road.

Anyway, we refund to you first, ok? If you receive goods in the future, please pay it back. After refund? if you still want item, we can resend for free to you.

I appreciate your understanding, and still leave positive feedback for us, as you
as you know, it is important for us. Please believe us, we are good seller.

So do you want refund?

Waiting for reply, thanks. Thanks.

---Helen

A Letter from Hong Kong

2011-10-21T03:22:00.000-07:00

This is a email received by me yesterday in regards to a small item, a seven slot powered hub, I ordered through eBay and has not been received. The email is so special, I could not help but publish it for everyone to see. I ordered another one, of course:

Hi Arthur,

Thanks for your enquiry. I am ________________ , customer service officer of your order.

Please DON'T worry. GOD BLESS THE HONESTY. We must follow your case as quickly as we can.

Please be informed that we got your order at September 15, 5:20AM, PDT (i.e. September 15, 8:20PM, HONG KONG TIME, Hong Kong Time is 15 hours ahead of PDT) and your ordered package was already mailed out at September 16, 10:55AM (HONG KONG TIME). It was shortly after we got your order.

Oh! My God! If you still do not get your parcel, it seems that the parcel may be lost during shipment.

Please DON'T worry. Please be informed that we are HONEST and RESPONSIBLE seller, we take full responsibility of being lost during shipment.

We have a special proposal as below:
(1) We mail you another parcel in REGISTERED airmail, we bear the product cost and postage of this 2nd shipment by ourselves, you do not need to pay for it;
(2) If you finally get both parcels, i.e. the 1st and the 2nd shipment, and you would like to keep only one parcel, please mark on the 2nd parcel BIG WORDS 'REJECTED' or 'RETURN to SENDER'. Then give this to post office or postman. This 2nd parcel will then be returned to us. You do not need to pay any postage if you return the parcel in this way;
(3) If you finally get both parcels and you would like to keep both parcels, would you please send us US$3.99 which is special price offered by us for 2nd set.
(4) If you finally got only one parcel, you and we can certainly regard our deal as completed
(5) there is no risk of being lost again in 2nd shipment as it is in REGISTERED airmail

We think that this arrangement is fair and good to both you and us.

### Would you please let us know whether you are ok with this special proposal so that we can arrange for the 2nd shipment as quickly as we can?

We apologize for all the inconvenience caused. SORRY!

Have a nice day.

Best Regards,

____________

Les's Story Told

2011-10-18T15:00:00.000-07:00

This is Les's public piece honoring Nikloa Tesla, at Niagara Falls, Canada.

My friend, Sculptor Les Drysdale, sent this to me as an email and he put it on his Facebook page. I am just copying his story because I love it and hope you will too:

Les said, "If I had a blog I'd write this".

Regarding a meeting I had in Niagara Falls, Canada this weekend. I love my GPS, but I'm guilty of blind faith in the power of technology everything else is human error.

So I did the total bonehead move of expecting the Holiday Inn that I punched into the GPS was indeed the correct one. The second time I passed the exit for Stanley Ave. I began to doubt my faith. I was confronted with and committed to huge line ups to cross the Queenston Lewiston Bridge to the US.

There were huge signs saying No U-turn. I had wished for punctuation in the sign preferring No, U-Turn. I was committed. I asked the guy directing traffic what to do. He said you'll have to sort it out with US customs. So armed with only a driver’s licence I had to enter the US. Fortunately, the officer guy believed me that I was an idiot. And asked only if I had relatives in the US then gave me the directions I needed to take back to Canada. I rolled up to Canada customs and handed the officer my driver’s licence. She responded with 'do you have any other proof of citizenship?’, I said no. She asked what was my profession and where was I going. I said sculptor, Holiday Inn. She responded ' cool' what are you doing at the Holiday Inn? I said meeting a guy about doing a sculpture. Looking at my driver’s licence and doing her computer thing she said' you're the guy that did the monument by the Falls', I said yes. She said you've satisfied me you are a citizen you can go. So I made the meeting 1/2 hr late and all went well.

Thank God for Public Art!

Abandonment Issues

2011-10-15T05:37:00.000-07:00

My oldest daughter, when she was a kid, went to art classes at North Mount Pleasant Art Centre in Calgary. The classes were an hour or so long, and she took a number of them over the years. However, as good as it was, she had always been afraid that I would leave her (abandonment issues) and she refused to let me leave.

All I ever wanted to do was go out and get a coffee and read the paper as I waited. This did happen after a few years and lots of assurance that I would never leave her. We had never left her alone anywhere and never did have an idea how this malady had occurred.

She did not, thank God, need me to sit in the classroom and watch (I would have refused as would the teacher, I hope) but she needed me to be within sight if needed.

Outside of the large first floor classroom was a large, vinyl or leather like sofa, and if I sat there, when she felt abandoned, she could peek out of the door to make sure I was there. I did that and over time the problem faded and I was allowed to go and get coffee from a local coffee shop.

I have known of this syndrome happening with adults and it seems to be serious mental illness. There was a man when I was a kid, who demanded his wife sit in her car outside of his office building all day, so he was able to work and able to see her whenever he felt abandoned. There are probably many cases; however, this behaviour was extinguished quickly, after a year or two.

I clearly remember the first experience when I put her in the children’s section of the library, told her I was going to go over to the adult books, about 12 feet away, and after a few minutes she started to scream, causing a huge glut of running librarians to come forth to her rescue. Her father was lost. I was standing 12 feet away and watching!

With all this build up, the result of this story is that she lives in Montreal, is happy not to come home, and would rather not go anywhere with her father most of the time.

Now I have abandonment issues!

The Fan

2011-10-11T15:50:00.000-07:00

My Aunt and Uncle had lots of money compared to us, and my uncle drove a Cadillac. That was the sign of those times. I have a Cadillac today probably because my uncle had one. However, I loved these people and they were very lovely to me and my family.

In the mid 50’s, they had the Cadillac of big, honking window or floor fans, a mahogany Curtis Mathis Cooler. It was a real Texas classic (that’s where it was made). It had a wooden front grill with wooden fins and cost somewhere near $100 in the early 50’s!

I guess when they got air conditioners; they gave their fan to us. It was the pride of my parents, especially my father, to have this big, wooden fan, put up next to a window at night and it would allow the air to be drawn in our open windows and make us all cool. It had wooden legs so you did not have to install it, just move it around from day use (right on you) to night use by a window.

After my parents moved in 1967, they had air conditioning and somewhere later on the fan came to me. We had it in our house and it would not be a story because I had no idea where it went. However, in 1978 we moved to Michigan, into an air conditioned house and would have had no reason to move a large fan 500 miles.

As it turns out, much to my surprise, my old friend Alan Forman took the fan when he moved to New York. He says it worked for a couple of years for him and was tossed out somewhere in the early 80’s.

The legs had been removed by me at some point, and this fan had worked continuously (except for the winters) from the early 50’s when my uncle probably got it, to 1955 when we got it until 1980 when Alan got rid of it!

That fan worked for at least 30 years!

Smoked Turkey

2011-10-09T13:39:00.000-07:00

With my wife and daughter being away for a few days looking at a university for her (younger daughter), I had some time to devote to a cooking project. This being Thanksgiving weekend in Canada, turkeys were on sale. We don’t have those great US giveaways for thanksgiving with $.29 a pound, but we did have a reasonable $.99 a pound turkey waiting for me when I got to the store on Thursday. I took the smallest I could find, a little over 16 pounds, and I put it in the fridge to thaw. The next day it went into the sink filled with cold water to complete the thawing process. It was covered in a plastic shell so no water got in.

I had Saturday to cook, and we were planning to have a turkey dinner at our neighbours anyway on Monday, so I could try anything.

I knew better that to try a deep fried turkey, because besides having to buy the fryer, my wife would kill me and then not even eat the turkey. So, my decision was to smoke it.

I woke up on Saturday morning, came downstairs, lit the right side of the barbeque and found my aluminum pan with wood chips, soaked some more chips for later, and started the chips in the pan on the hot right side. The center and the left side were cold, and that was where the turkey would go.

I washed out the turkey, put the giblets and the neck in the freezer and quickly salted and peppered the bird, squeezed lemon juice over it, put the lemon and an onion inside the carcass, put olive oil on the bird and covered it with paprika.

I put aluminum foil in the bottom of a roasting pan, sprayed it with Pam, and put in the turkey. I put the pan on the left side of the grill. The temperature with just the right side on full, would reach and stay at about 275 degrees Fahrenheit, a perfect temperature to use for a slow oven, and that would call for half an hour a pound.

Every hour to an hour and a half, I added wet wood chips to the aluminum pan over the heat, and smoke continued to be generated.
At 4:00 p.m., 8 hours later, the thermometer said, when I inserted it in the deepest part of the breast, 180 degrees, the perfect temperature for poultry.

The smoked turkey was done to perfection, the pan was full to the edge with juices that I was able to pour off and turn into gravy, and at about 4:15 p.m. my wife and daughter arrived home.

It was a perfectly lovely day and a great turkey.

The Eye in the Sky

2011-10-06T16:34:00.000-07:00

My wife and I went to the supermarket a week and a half ago and among the items we purchased was a carton of humus. This was in a branch of our favourite market, but a sort of “inner city” version of our suburban market. When we got home and looked at the slip, we had been charged twice for the hummus.

Given that driving back was worth more than the $4 we would recoup, we decided to wait until my wife was in the neighbourhood. Yesterday she was back and went in to see the management about the $4. If it had been in our neighbourhood market we assumed we would just be given the $4. Here, however, the customer is not always right. They checked the date stamp of the slip and turned to the video for the time and the aisle we were in, and they watched the clerk charge us twice for the hummus and they apologised for the error and gave my wife the $4.

This was a wakeup call! This may exist in our supermarket as well, and it is scary! We are not stealing things per sea, but my wife put me on notice not to eat from the bulk foods anymore!

There is an eye in the sky!

Fantasy Box of Goodies

2011-10-04T14:37:00.000-07:00

In the 80’s my wife and I were in San Diego and stumbled upon an Antique Mall, on the second floor of a downtown building. It was huge, rambling and a bit strange. We wandered about this cavern of discarded wonders, when we came upon a table full of unusual South Pacific items for sale. While none of it was identified, it was obvious to me, no expert on the subject, that this was real nice folk art type of stuff, and certainly would be great additions to our growing, rambling folk art collection.

We purchased four items, I believe; a very tightly wound basket with a broken handle but quite beautiful, a cowrie shell purse, a monkey skull hat (maybe a monkey) and a coconut shell bowl (or a skull top bowl). There could have been more but these are the ones I still have. I believe we paid $35 for them as the owner of the booth was not there and the dealer in charge took the deal I offered.

They were out on shelves for a bit in some of the places we’ve lived and basically been in a box since the late 80’s.

My wife and I have been trying to clean out our “treasures” for a while now and this box has surfaced. I decided to try and find out what these things were and in my searching, I discovered the bowl was a very special New Guinea tribal bowl made out of a coconut shell. In about a day (a few emails) I have sold it for a very nice price, although the dealer I sold it to will do very well and the piece will travel back to California, having been to Detroit, Boston, Calgary and back here in Southern Ontario.

The cowrie shell purse is definitely a souvenir item from New Guinea, the basket and the hat are not identified. However, the hat scared my children for years and would do well to scare anyone else. I believe the hat and the basket are fine items worth tons of money (of course) if only I could identify them.

If you have an idea, let me know. They will go to eBay eventually, as they’re not a Kijiji item in my way of thinking.

Editors note: I found an expert who says :

The monkey skull is an Ifugao headdress from the Philippines. I am not sure of the basket but it does appear to be from Southeast Asia.

HEAT

2011-09-30T16:07:00.000-07:00

After a great deal of discussion, we decided to put a square of track lighting in our school loft, the largest room we have. This is a beautifully redone 1836 building, and the loft area contains classes, lectures, music and sometimes an auction. The architects had installed a single track, and had not considered that we light models, still life’s etc. from many sides and in many ways. While this alone would not be all the traditional lighting we might need, it would help greatly in providing controllable light source for the classroom.

When initially installed, it had a switch to turn it on. This would not do as we needed as much control as possible, so we switched to a controllable sliding switch for each side of the square.

The architects added side lighting for all the walls, a major effort, not anything we had planned, but not a bad idea.

When we considered the model, we had another concern. The models are often nude, and the large space, even redone, may prove to be a bit chilly in the winter. The answer was simple, and we installed four hanging fixtures of heat lamps.

The heat lamps will do their job and keep the model toasty warm, however, there seems to be two kinds of heat lamps. Basically it’s one for chicken coops and one for fries, burgers etc. The basic difference is that chickens’ usually are heated by red bulbs, and food, because it needs to look good, is heated by clear bulbs.

As you may have guessed, when we lit up the model with our elaborate lighting display, and then went to heat the model up, we discovered we had created the red model, bathed in a warm red glow and looking like a very large chicken!

A Tree Grows in Ancaster

2011-09-27T17:43:00.000-07:00

I had to remove a dying tree last week, a mercy mission as it was on its last legs. It was a weeping caragana. After much shovelling, pushing, grabbing and shoving I decided to fix my chain saw and get the job done. Once repaired, the chain saw did it in a snap. I was satisfied, and the missing tree was not even noticeable in the place it stood among many other plantings. My hopes that it was over were dashed by my wife’s insistence that it be replaced ASAP.

After just a bit of thought, I decided to push for a Japanese Maple, we already have one we put in our back yard, and it was the tree in my front yard as I grew up. My wife readily agreed and off we went with trying to find an appropriate one.

I called a nearby garden centre and asked about them, and they told me I was in luck as they had a 30% off sale of Japanese Maples going on right now. I asked about the price range, knowing it was a dumb question but what the hell? The fellow on the phone told me they ranged from $20 to about $1,000. This was a bit daunting and I asked about what was normal. He explained we should be able to find a good, healthy one for about $250 - $300 and we’d get 30% off of that. Doing the math, it came to $175 to $210.

I called the little garden centre across the road from themm that seems to be owned and operated by an old German guy who has been there for ages, and I asked him. He said they had really nice healthy ones for $135. I didn’t need to get a discount at this point; I just went to the little guy across the road and bought the full retail, beautiful 5’ high one for $135.
To this we added a bag of triple mix which must weigh 150 pounds, and off we went. I put the tree in place and we looked at it for the afternoon. The next day we dug the hole, poured in the tree and the triple mix and we have a tree.

It’s beautiful and will grow to be more so over time. I felt fulfilled.

The Golden Rule

2011-09-25T05:35:00.000-07:00

Food Fair, also known by its successor name Pantry Pride, was a large supermarket chain in the United States. It was founded by Samuel N. Friedland, who opened the first store in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania in the late 1920s. As of 1957, Food Fair had 275 stores, and at its peak, the chain had more than 500 stores. Friedland's family retained control of the firm through 1978, when the chain entered bankruptcy.

In 1958, Food Fair purchased Setzer's Supermarkets, a 40-store chain in the Jacksonville, Florida, area. In 1961, Food Fair bought J.M. Fields Department Stores, a chain of discount department stores in New England. The latter chain grew substantially, expanding to areas already served by Food Fair, particularly in Florida. By the 1960s, most J.M. Fields stores featured a J.M. Fields, Food Fair, or Pantry Pride grocery store.

In the early 60’s I was wandering through a Food Fair, the new one recently opened in Reisterstown Plaza in Baltimore.

The Reisterstown Road Plaza, usually known since its inception simply as "The Plaza," is a shopping center and mall located near the Reisterstown Plaza Metro Subway Station. Originally built as an outdoor shopping center (with two parallel rows of stores between the original anchors Hecht's and Stewarts), in recent years, much of its structure has been converted into an indoor mall and outdoor shopping center with big box stores. The Reisterstown Road Plaza opened in 1962.

So it was a new, impressive shopping center and a new, huge Food Fair and here I was shopping when I saw a flurry of activity. It was a moving crowd, not unlike a later one I saw in the Vatican when I watched the Dali Lama walking through surrounded by an entourage.

In this case, it was Mr. Friedland moving through the store. Given the time (1963), this might have been the original Mr. Friedland as he was very old. He was followed by suits (at least 2), a store manager (he had on a tie but no coat, and several stock boys. They moved down the aisle in unison, following Mr. Friedland, while he barked orders to the group. “Move the soda’s up, the Coke’s don’t go there!” he pointed and barked. “Move the dishwashing soap down to the other side”! he commented. There seemed to be a dust storm involved in this moving mass of individuals, and I could only stand and stare.

I realized that afted he was gone, the boys would spend hours re-shelving all the stock they’d just moved, but for the moment, Mr. Friedland was the king!

It was the day I also learned the Golden Rule, “He Who Has The Gold, Rules!”

The Stereo Saga

2011-09-22T14:21:00.000-07:00

After a careful search of the available bargains, and a dumping of our stereo equipment through Kijiji, I made the Executive Decision to purchase a sound bar and eliminate the complexities of our lives. Things are difficult enough, and I didn’t want to hire a space alien to figure out how to make all our crap work together. It is difficult having a million remotes already, and stereo sound that isn’t what it used to be, so here was an easy solution.

I looked at reviews and bargains and decided good or bad, to buy a Samsung Sound Bar, having a large screen Samsung TV and a Samsung Blue ray player already. Future Shop had the sale on, and I purchased it over the net, and had it scheduled for delivery to my office, as no one would be home.

It was sent from Mississauga, Ontario, bit it seemed to take a long time for the “in stock” item to be shipped. When it finally was shipped, I had the tracking number to follow the pathway.

Here is the tracking history:

I purchased the item on the 9^th of September from a facility that is 40 minutes away.

It was processed at the post office facility on the 12^th.

It was moved to the Stoney Creek post office facility (30 minutes away) on the 14^th.

It went out for delivery on the 15^th.

The tracking said: Business closed for the day. Item on hold for second delivery attempt.

I called and spoke to a very nice woman and explained that during the ensuing time since I ordered the sound bar, our business front entrance was being worked on and a large sign instructs anyone to use our rear entrance. She was very understanding and said she would inform the Stoney Creek facility of the situation and that we were not closed.

On the 16^th the item went out for delivery.

The tracking said: Business closed for the day. Item on hold for second delivery attempt.

I went ballistic and called Future Shop and explained my plight and that it wasn’t my fault and they were very understanding as they had these kind of problems before. I suggested they would be receiving the package in return from the post office after this second attempt and they promised to refund my money.

I called the post office with hope of talking to someone in Stoney Creek but she could not give out the post office secret numbers so she asked me to hold and she would get the supervisor,

After a 15-20 minute hold, a supervisor in Ottawa answered and asked about the problem. I did go ballistic, and said I didn’t need anyone on Ottawa, I needed someone in Stoney Creek, but to no avail. When I explained the situation he explained that they will not deliver in a construction site. I explained the sign, the fact that our regular mail had been delivered this way and he said they will not deliver in a construction s site. I screamed F--- Y--!!! And I hung up panting.

On the 19^th, it said: Item processed at local delivery facility and I assumed it was being sent back.

I went out and shopped at Best Buy who now had it on sale. Of course they did not have it on display, but they did the cheaper model which I hated and decided maybe this was not a great move. However, they also had the Bose stuff on sale for TV’s, and it was very simple, small and required no brains to use. It sounded great and my computer email had a Best Buy coupon for an addition $50 off. So, I bought it.

On the 20^th, while the construction people had taken a day off, the post office delivered the Samsung Sound bar!

Charged!

2011-09-18T03:57:00.000-07:00

My daughter was a supervisor of the Grade 9 Weekend, an overnight for first year high school students, and she was one of the assisting Grade 12 Students. She used the car to pick up one of her friends, and drove to school to stay all night, and return home in the morning. Because my wife had to work on Saturday morning, she was to take my car and I would be without a vehicle for an hour until my daughter came home to rest before going to work.

Friday night was ours, and we went to a local gourmet caterer and took out a beautiful dinner. The table was set, the wine was poured and my daughter called.

The battery was dead! She and her friend were sitting in the car for reason and it was locked and they opened the door and the alarm went off. This is a kid’s story for sure. It goes on…

The alarm went off and the flashers flashed so they got it to stop and the flashers were annoying, and would of course stop eventually, so they went inside. My daughter assumed that they would go off like delayed headlights. Actually, they go off when the battery dies.

I wanted to eat my dinner, and the girls were a pain in the butt, and they had no place to go as they would be at school all night anyway so I told my daughter to call in the morning and my wife would drive me to school and I would call CAA (AAA in Canada) and they would come out and meet me in case the battery was really dead. I ate dinner, a bit grumpy because kids drive me crazy.

She texted on and off all night to keep her sleeping mother informed of all events. Then, in the morning, she decided she would be leaving earlier than expected so I had to get there and fix things. I had looked for my battery cables and surprisingly found them in the evening, so I drove to the high school and met her and started the car. I asked her to keep it running for a while, and she was unable as she had to go back in. I drove the car around for about 15 minutes, went to the Tim Horton’s drive through and got a bagel and coffee, drove back, gave her the car and went home to give my wife my car so she could go to work. All this happened by 7:30 a.m.

I came home and fell asleep!

Our Little Boy was their Little Girl

2011-09-14T14:42:00.000-07:00

Wandering around in a small department store, kind of a Winner’s or TJ Maxx kind of a place with my wife and three boys in the early 70’s, we were carefully looking at bargains while the kids played among the clothing racks much to the dismay of the store employees.

We were doing OK, but bargain shopping kept us that way and we looked with great interest at prices. As a matter of fact, I still do.

The store PA system came on and announced that they had found a little lost girl and would her parents please come forward. We continued to shop.

Several minutes went by and the call went out again asking for the parents of the little lost girl to come forward and announce themselves to the office. We continued to shop.

A few minutes later a more desperate cry rang out as the employees and the manager found themselves in deep trouble with a missing child and missing parents.

My wife and I tsked, tsked about parents who had no control over their kids and sloppy parenting skills. At that point we decided to look for our kids and found that one of them, our middle child, was missing.

Now this was the 70’s, and long hair was popular in my community and in my family and not probably in this very uptight store.

A quick look and a brisk walk to the office determined that our little boy was their little girl!

The New Home

2011-09-12T12:05:00.000-07:00

Years ago a friend of mine was named the President of a very prestigious California College, and was transported from the East Coast of the US out to the sunny and sometimes very different West Coast.

She moved into her new presidential home provided by the institution, and was duly impressed by her new digs. As in any home, there was work to be done even after the movers were gone and since there were no servants involved in this deal, she had to get herself together and clean the place.

So, fitted out in sweats and a bandana, she got her bucket and rag etc. and got to work spending her first Saturday cleaning. At the end of the long day, her phone rang. It was the wife of the chairman of the board calling, inviting her for a Saturday casual barbeque, California style. Several other college supporters were joining them but it was all quite casual. She explained all the things she had been doing and it was clear that this was impromptu and no fuss was required.

So, she ran upstairs and took a shower and slipped into simple shorts and a top with some white sneakers and drove over to the Chairman’s home.

She was greeted by her hostess wearing a silk dress, quite casually, and was escorted into the main area of the home where a group of supporters had gathered. All of the men were casually decked out in blue blazers with shirts and ties, and the women were casually decked out in very expensive, California casual silk outfits, casually sipping martinis.

Let me end this with the fact that she never went to another event less than fully dressed again!

The New Clothes

2011-09-10T01:54:00.000-07:00

I know it's Miley Cyrus, not my daughter, but the photo is available.

My daughter was getting dressed to go to school on Thursday, when she came downstairs and I was stunned. Her tights were ripped across the knee. I said to my wife, “With the thousands of dollars we spend each year buying clothes for the girls, why does she insist on wearing torn clothing to school? Last week when you were in Montreal, you bought a lot of new things.”

“Those are new tights from Montreal, we just bought from H and M!”, she said.

“They come torn”.

Meeting the Big Guy

2011-09-07T14:28:00.000-07:00

George D. Culler was inaugurated as president of the Philadelphia College of Art on May 2, 1966, and served as its first president until 1975. Among the important men of the day, when I worked for what was called, at that time, the Union of Independent College of Art, George Culler was a giant.

In our little office in Kansas City, in our small world of nine colleges spread out over 3,000 miles, George Culler was considered the elder statesman. Of the nine college presidents who were there during my brief stay (10 months, working on a grant project) three men stand out in my memory as senior leaders. George Culler, Harry Ford at California College of Arts and Crafts (it’s former name) and Joe McCullough at the Cleveland Institute of Art. All three were lionized in our offices.

I had to travel to Philadelphia on one of my many trips that year, and I was to meet with George at his office. I managed to meet with all nine presidents sooner or later but this is one where I was waiting to be impressed because of his reputation.

In that one year I had so many meetings with so many faculty and administrators that when I returned to teaching, my mind had made a 180 degree shift and I wanted to be a College President, just as soon as possible. This maybe was not a wise decision, but it was what it was, and sooner or later I managed to do it, twice!

Having little to go on for these meetings except what I was told or gleaned about the people in advance, I was pumped to meet such an important man.

I drove around and found the Philadelphia College of Art and parked my car. I made my way to the school and was greeted by a uniformed guard at a desk in the entrance hall. I walked up to the man and said I was there to meet with President Culler. He looked at me curiously and said, “Who?” I explained I was there to meet the president of the college, and he said, “What was his name?” I said, “George Culler”. He asked me to spell it for him and he looked it up on a long list, found the name, and told me in which direction to go.

I guess you are least appreciated at home, or so it seemed to me.

It's Back to the Peignoir Set

2011-09-05T08:49:00.000-07:00

On June 2, 2009, in a group of stories I had written I included:

I remember having a friend (a girl) and being at her house. This would have been in the 50’s. I was never there by myself; it was always with a small group, as she was going out with a high school friend. The unusual thing about this was her parents.

I know, like all parents, we have some impact on our kids’ friends. I look fondly back on my memories of some of my friends’ parents, and not so fondly on others. However, this girl had a unique family.

Her mother (we were always there at night) would always appear in a peignoir set. In those days, this was a night gown and robe, sort of a sheer thing, usually reserved for sexy fashion shots and late night trysts. It’s what young women wore on their honeymoon night. Her father, as the evening wore on, would calmly remove his pants and prance about in his shorts and an undershirt or t-shirt for a while and they would say they were going off to bed, and they would.

We were always startled!

I just sent this story to my old high school with whom I had just reconnected. He said, “I luv it! Your recollections of them are exactly right.

I remember some dinner parties they had where guests stayed maybe a bit too long (in his opinion, at least). He would disappear for a few moments and then return to the living room in his pyjamas.

They always spent all day Sundays in bed. On Saturday nights, when their daughter and I were hooking up in the den, he would stand outside the door, in the hallway out of view, and call, "It's getting late," and she would answer, "OK, Daddy"-- in a "strained" voice (LMAO!)-- and then she would ignore him till we finished.

They were very self-involved people, and not good parents to her except in material ways-- clothes and jewellery. One summer when she was working in their store, it was her birthday and they were all scheduled to go out to dinner to celebrate when the store closed. But some business associates (or friends maybe?) invited them out for the afternoon and evening, so they sent her up the street to their other store on an errand, and when she got back a few minutes later, they were gone…

Bumper Stickers

2011-09-03T06:32:00.000-07:00

I used to like Bumper Stickers “in the day”. Nothing was more fun than reading the VW Microbus bumper ahead of you and seeing how cleaver people were. In the days before cell phones and MP3 players, it was a fun diversion. I thought I’d recall some and looked it up and found goodquotes.com and their funny bumper sticker pages. Now I was satisfied with “Suicide is redundant in Kansas” which I remembered from 1974 when I lived in Kansas. I thought I’d find a few more and was overwhelmed by this list.

I am simply presenting it to you for your own amusement.

Caution: I drive like you do!
Strangers have the best candy
Save the Earth, it's the only planet with Chocolate
No, I don't have PMS. I just really hate you.
My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone
I didn't ask to be a princess but if the crown fits...
I'm a cruel and heartless bitch but I’m damn good at it
I brake for scholars, priests, and no apparent reason
Stupidity is not a crime so you’re free to go

" I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth!"
" Watch out for the idiot behind me!"
Moooooove, I'm trying to speed!
Buckle up... it makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your car
I break for........................OH SHIT NO BRAKES
There are 2 types of pedestrians, the quick and the dead.
Learn from your parent’s mistakes use birth control.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
All men are idiots, and I married their king.
Friends help you move; real friends help you move the body.
Very funny Scotty; now beam down my clothes
Low riders are for little boys who can't get it up.
Saw it, wanted it, threw a fit, Got It!!
Want to get laid? Crawl up a chicken's ass and wait!
Mothers with teenagers know why animals eat their young
We're not old people we're recycled teenagers!
If you're rich, I’m single!
IF THIS STICKER IS GETTING SMALLER, THE LIGHT IS PROBABLY GREEN
YOUR TURN SIGNAL IS STILL ON
IT'S IMPOLITE TO STARE
U.S.M.C. UNCLE SAMS MISGUIDED CHILDREN
Eternity: Smoking or Non-Smoking?
I wasn't born a bitch; men like you made me that way.
I love to give homemade gifts, which one of my kids do you want
They didn't let me out, they just gave me a day pass!
(Front Bumper) If you can read this, I didn't hit you hard enough.
...and i should care, why?
0-60 in 15 minutes!
100% Irony Free
100,000 Sperm And You Were The Fastest?
186,000 Miles/Second: It’s Not Just A Good Idea, It’s The Law!
3 kinds of people: Those who can count and those who can't.
7 days with out Jesus makes one weak
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A church alive is worth the surprise!!
A clean car is a sign if sick mind.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
A Day Without Sunshine Is Like, You Know, Night
A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
A Mouse Is An Elephant Built By The Japanese
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day .
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A Waist Is A Terrible Thing To Mind
Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy.
According to my best recollection, I don't remember.
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
Adrenalin is my drug of choice.
Adults are just kids with money.
Age is a high price to pay for maturity
Air Pollution Is A Mist-Demeaner
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets
All Men Are Idiots... And I Married Their King.
All my drinking buddies have a racing problem.
All stressed out and nobody to choke!
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Always Remember: You’re Unique, Just Like Everyone Else.
AMERICA-Love It Or Leave It!
Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it.
ANGER IS MERELY DEPRESSION WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM!
Another brilliant mind ruined by higher education.
Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
Anything Free Is Worth What You Pay For It
Are you following Jesus this close?
As If
As Long As There Are Tests, There Will Be Prayer In Public Schools.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Ask me about micro waving cats for fun and profit.
Ask me about my vow of silence.
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Auntie Em: Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. - Dorothy
Avoid Hangovers; Stay Drunk
Ax Me About Ebonics
Baby on bored
Back the badge
Back Up My Hard Drive? How Do I Put It In Reverse?
BAD COP! - NO DONUT!!!
BARBIE AIN'T HERE!.
Be Human.
Be nice society already sucks.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Be Nice To Your Kids; They’ll Pick Out Your Nursing Home.
Be the kind of friend you'd want.
Be the kind of person you always wanted your parents to be.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them - He will clean them.
Beam me up Jesus.
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder...
BEER, Helping people have sex since 1865.
Beer: It’s Not Just For Breakfast Anymore.
Beer: making woman look better since 1965.
Beer: The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon
Before giving someone a piece of mind be sure you have enough to spare!
Behind every successful man there is a woman, behind every unsuccessful man there are two.
Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking.
Bill Clinton 89% Fact Free
Bite Me!
Black holes are where God divided by zero.
Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused.
Blondes Tease....Brunettes Please....
Blow your nose, your horn works fine.
Body By Nautilus; Brain By Mattel
Boldly Going Nowhere
BOMB SQUAD: If you see me running you better catch up!
BooYah!
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Boy bands. The spawn of Satan.
Boycott shampoo, demand real poo instead.
Boys Lie!
Bumper sticker in the year 2100: DISCO STILL SUCKS
But I Just Can’t Get My Head That Far Up My Ass
Buy a gun support the constitution.
Buy a gun. Piss off the liberals.
Buy American!
Can I pay my Visa with my MasterCard?
CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW!!! ??
Can't Feed 'Em! Don't Breed Em'!
Careful, I’m not wearing clean underwear!
Cat: The Other White Meat
Caution -- Driver Legally Blonde
CAUTION I BRAKE FOR HOOKERS.
CAUTION! I drive like you do!
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
Caution: I brake for no apparent reason.
CAUTION: This car will be left behind during rapture.
Change a life; make someone feel important.
Change is good...you go first!
Change Is Inevitable, Except From A Vending Machine
Chemistry Professors Never Die, They Just Smell That Way!
Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous.
Clean up America. Kill a redneck!
Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult
Clones are people 2
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. Some things are just better rich.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Cole’s Law: Thinly Sliced Cabbage
Conceive. Believe. Achieve.
Condoms are easier to change than diapers!
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Confucious say "Man who stands on toilet is high on pot."
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
Conserve toilet paper - use both sides.
Conserve water - Shower with a friend
Constipated People Don't Give A Shit.
Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!
Could You Drive Any Better If I Shoved That Cell Phone Up Your Ass?
Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes
D.A.M.M.- Drunks Against Mad Mothers
DANGER: I drive like you do!
DARE to keep cops off doughnuts.
DARE to keep the CIA off drugs.
Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
Death is life's way of telling you you're fired.
Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down.
Death is the consequence of being alive.
Deep down, divers care.
Democrats=Beaureaucrats: STUPID
Despite The Cost Of Living, Have You Noticed How It Remains So Popular?
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
DETEST-de stuff de teacher gives de students when ya expect it de least!!!
Dewey,Skrewem, & Howe (attorneys at law)
Did you check if your horn works?
Did you just fart or did you always smell that way?
Diplomacy Is Saying “Nice Doggy” Until You Find A Rock
Diplomacy is the art of letting someone else get your way.
Disappointed? Too bad!
Divers get more tail.
Do I look like a freakin' People Person?
Do not believe in miracles - rely on them.
Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
Do not play a leap frog with a unicorn.
Do not put a question mark where God put a period.
Do they ever shut up on your planet.
Do unto others before they do unto you.
Do Vegetarians eat animal crackers?
Doctor's say I have a multiple personality, but we don't agree with that.
Does The Name Pavlov Ring A Bell?
D'oh!
Don’t Drink And Drive...You Might Hit A Bump And Spill Your Drink.
Don’t Piss Me Off! I’m Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.
Don’t Take Life Too Seriously; You Won’t Get Out Alive
Don't Be Sexist - Bitches Hate That
Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say.
Don't believe everything you think.
Don't come knocking if the car is rocking.
Don't delay, paint today
Don't Drink and Drive!
Don't drink and park - accidents cause people.
Don't drink to drown your sorrow. Sorrow knows how to swim.
Don't drive and derive. Alcohol and calculus don't mix.
Don't f*** with my head and I won't think with my dick!
Don't Follow me I am LOST!!!
Don't judge a book by its movie.
Don't laugh it's paid for.
Don't laugh; your daughter may be in back.
Don't let schooling get in the way of your education.
Don't make me go medieval on you.
Don't miss heaven for the world.
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
Don't rub the lamp unless you're ready for the genie.
Don't start with me you won't win!
Don't steal, the government hates competition.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
Don't trust women.
Don't wish for it...work for it.
Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway.
DRIVE IT LIKE YOU STOLE IT!
Driver carries less than $20 IN AMMUNITION..
Drop Dead
Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
Dyslexics Have More Fnu.
Dyslexics of the world, untie!
Dyslexics Untie!
E. coli Happens
Each day is a gift.
Eagles Don't Flock.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
EARTH FIRST - We'll log the other planets later.
Earth first... We will strip the other planets later.
Earth Is The Insane Asylum For The Universe
Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway
Editing Is A Rewording Activity
Elvis has left the planet.
Elvis Is Dead And I’m Not Feeling Too Good Myself
Energizer Bunny Arrested; Charged With Battery
Enjoy life it's not a dress rehearsal.
Entropy Isn’t What It Used To Be
Eschew Obfuscation
Eschew Obfuscation
ESCHEW OBFUSCATION. (means avoid confusion/overcomplication)
Ever Stop To Think And Forget To Start Again?
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Every silver lining has a cloud.
Every thing is on loan from the government until you can't pay your taxes.
Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Everyone Has A Photographic Memory. Some Just Don’t Have Film.
Everyone Is Entitled To My Opinion
Everything i need to know i learned in prison
Everything is possible just not too probable.
Everything Is Somewhere.
Everytime you speak you make someone dumber for listening to you.
EXIT
F U Cn Rd Ths U Cnt Spl Wrth A Dm!
Faster than a speeding ticket.
Fat chicks make my car scrape!
Fat people are hard to kidnap.
Few women admit their age, few men act it.
Fight Socialism...Vote Republican
First the engagement ring, then the wedding ring, and then the suffering...
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
Flies spread disease, keep yours closed!
FLORIDA: Home of Electile Dysfunction
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we vote then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Relax, Retire, And Revote.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts and counts and counts.
FOLLOW THAT CAR, GODZILLIA -- AND STEP ON IT !!
Follow your dreams, except the one where you’re at school in your underwear.
For a small town, this one sure has a lot of assholes!
For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process.
Forbidden fruits create many jams.
Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Forget World Peace. Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
Friends don't let friends drive naked!!
Friends don't let friends miss out on heaven.
Friends Help You Move. Real Friends Help You Move Bodies.
Front bumper -Run, Hilary, Run!
Get over it!
Getting on your feet requires getting off your butt.
GIMMIEABREAK!
Give blood and you too can get a free bumper sticker.
Give Me Ambiguity Or Give Me Something Else
Give your child mental blocks for Christmas.
Go Braless! It will pull the wrinkles from your face.
Go On, I will See You At The Next Light.
God Bless Our Troops.
God does not call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers "fruits of the spirit" over "religious nuts!"
God made Adam and Eve NOT Adam and Steve.
God Must Love Stupid People, He Made So Many
God must love stupid people...he made so many!
God wants spiritual fruits, not religious nuts.
Got Brains?
Got Goth?
Graduate quickly, millions on welfare depend on you.
Graduate Soon! Millions On Welfare Depend On You
Gravity always gets me down.
Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
Gravity- It’s not just a good idea, it's the LAW!
Grow Your Own Dope, Plant A Man
Growing old is inevitable...Growing up is optional.
Gun control is a steady hand.
Gun control today, Total control tomorrow.
Guns don't kill people. Postal workers do.
Guys: No Shirt, No Service -- Gals: No Shirt, No Charge
Hang up and drive!
Hang up and drive!
HANG-UP & DRIVE
Happiness is Clinton's face on a milk carton.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!!!
Have a nice day... somewhere else.
Have you bitch slapped an environmentalist today?
Have you ever had deja vu? Have you ever had deja vu??
Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
Have you seen Elvis? 1-800-GET-A-LIFE
HE IS ABLE WHO THINKS HE IS ABLE!
HE WHO ANGERS YOU, CONQUERS YOU.
He who angers you, controls you!
He who farts in church sits on his own pew.
He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
He’s Not Dead, He’s Electroencephalographically-Challenged
Heart Attacks ... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
Heck is for people that don't believe in Gosh.
Help Stamp Out And Eradicate Superfluous Redundancy
Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
HELP, I AM LOST AND CANNOT FIND MY BEER!
Hey dumb ass I bought my own car, not mommy and daddy!
Hey idiot- You're driving a car, not a phone booth
Hey man, you live in America now... speak Spanish!
High beams were made to piss people off!
Hogwarts Dropout
HOME SCHOOL. Smarter than ever.
Honk If Anything Falls Off
Honk if I'm Jesus!
Honk if you are blond.
Honk if you hate noise pollution!
Honk if you haven't slept with Clinton!
Honk if you like peace and quiet.
Honk if you love boy bands - then drive into a tree.
HONK IF YOU LOVE GORE (use the button on your steering wheel)
Honk If You Love Peace And Quiet
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Honk if you love Rush.
Honk If You Want To See My Finger
Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window
Hope dies last!
Horn Broken ... Watch For Finger.
House Guarded By Shotgun 3 Days A Week. Guess Which Days.
Housework makes women ugly.
How about never? is never good for you?
How Can I Miss You if You Won't Go Away?
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He is lost?
How may i ignore you today?
How's my driving? Dial 1-800-YOU-SUCK
huked on foniks werkd fer me
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
I admire gay men, they leave more women for me!
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
I am not speeding I am qualifying.
I am overjoyed with whelm!
I am represented by the Law Firm of Dewey, Chedum, and Howe.
I believe in getting in hot water; it keeps you clean.
I believe the Internet is an information source, not a lifestyle choice.
I brake for no apparent reason.
I Brake For No Apparent Reason.
I brake for…wait…AAAH!…NO BRAKES!!!!!
I can go from zero to bitch in 2.2 seconds.
I can handle pain until it hurts.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day and tomorrow doesn't look good either.
i can resist everything except temptation.
I can't go to work today. The voices told me to stay home and clean the guns.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
I do work for food.
I Don’t Have To Be Dead To Donate My Organ
I Don’t Suffer From Insanity, I Enjoy Every Minute Of It
I don't decaf
I don't do mornings.
I don't do requests.
I DON'T DRINK IT DULLS THE DRUGS.
I don't drive fast I fly low.
I don't find it hard to meet expenses. They're everywhere.
I don't have a license to kill, I have a learner's permit.
I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference.
I don't repeat gossip.
I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it!
I drank what?
I Drive Like This To Piss You Off
I drive like this to piss you off!
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I Feel Like I’m Diagonally Parked In A Parallel Universe
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I fish! Therefore, I lie.
I gave up drugs, sex and booze...it was the worst 20 minutes of my life.
I Get Enough Exercise Just Pushin’ My Luck
I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!
I Got A Gun For My Wife; Best Trade I Ever Made.
I got this car for my wife...not a bad trade.
I hate bumper stickers!
I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane.
I have an attitude and I'm not afraid to use it.
I have BAD PMS and GOOD BRAKES.... you must be feeling very lucky today.
I have no desire for money. Its stuff that i want.
I have PMS and a handgun. Any Questions??
I Have The Body Of A God ... Buddha
I hear you lost your cat? Check under my tire.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I just filled up my car with gasoline. Now it's worth $50.00
I Just Got Lost In Thought. It Was Unfamiliar Territory
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
I just love nonverbal communication!
I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know.
I Know What You’re Thinking And You Should Be Ashamed Of Yourself.
I know...I know...pull over
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!!
I laughed my butt off and I had a few inches to spare. Thanks!! This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
I left the womb for this?
I LIKE CATS! They taste like chicken.
I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic particles.
I love animals - they taste great!
I love animals. I eat them and wear their skins.
I love cats...they taste just like chicken.
I love my country but fear my government.
I love my job...shoot me now!
I love uranus.
I may be fat, but you're ugly - I can lose weight!.
I may be slow; but I'm ahead of you.
I may have PMS, but you're still a dick!!
I miss my wife, but my aim is getting better.
I Must Be A Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes
I must hurry, for there they go and i am their leader.
I Need Someone Really Bad. Are You Really Bad?
I owe, I owe, so it's off to work I go.
I press charges
I pretend to work they pretend to pay me!
I put in contacts for this?
I see dumb people.
I should never have invented the electoral college. -Al Gore
i souport publik edekasion
I still miss my ex-wife. But my aim is improving.
I swerve for cats.
I talk to strangers
I Think Feminists Are Cute!
I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.
I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
I think, therefore I'm dangerous
I took a pain pill. Why are you still here?
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I Took An IQ Test And The Results Were Negative.
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
I tried being normal once . . .I didn't like it.
I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure...
I Used To Be Indecisive. Now I’m Not Sure
I Used To Have A Handle On Life, But It Broke.
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.
I used up all my sick days so I called in dead!
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
I WANT YOU to stay far away from me
I was an atheist until I realized I was GOD.
I Was Born Brilliant; Education Ruined Me
I wish I could kill the sexiest person alive but suicide is a crime!
I wish I lived in New York, so I could have Voted Against Hilary!
I Wish I Was Barbie. That Bitch has EVERYTHING.
I wish I were a glow worm a glow worm is never glum, because how could you be unhappy when the sun shines out your bum?
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
I Wonder How Much Deeper Would The Ocean Be Without Sponges
I wonder if you would drive well if that cell phone were up your ass.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend On Me
I would give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
I’m insured by the mafia, you hit me and we'll hit you.
I’m Just Driving This Way To Piss You Off.
I’m Not A Complete Idiot; Some Parts Are Missing.
I’m Out Of Bed And Dressed – What More Do You Want?
I'd love to trade caller I.D. for "Caller I.Q."
I'd rather be a failure at something i love, than a success at something i hate.
I'd rather be fishing!
Idiots surround me!
If assholes could fly, this place would be an airport.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
If At First You Don't Succeed ... Blame Someone Else And Seek Counseling.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving ain't for you.
If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
If Clinton is the answer, it must have been a stupid question.
If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane.
If God intended man to smoke, He would have set him on fire.
If God intended us to be vegetarians, why did he make animals out of meat?
If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If It Ain’t Broken... Fix It ‘Til It Is
If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway.
If it is a man made world, why can't we remake it?
If it isn't broken...fix it until it is!
If it weren't for people like you, nobody else would have an above average IQ.
IF ITS TOO LOUD YOUR TOO OLD
If it's tourist season, does that mean we can shoot them?
If life hands you a lemon, stuff your bra with it.
If life is just a game then I must have missed the kickoff.
If life's an idiot then you must the god.
If love is blind why is lingerie so popular?
If my car were a horse, I'd have to shoot it.
If something goes without saying - LET IT!
If the company's name is YELLOW, why are the trucks painted ORANGE?
If Walking Is So Good For You, Then Why Does My Mailman Look Like Jabba The Hut?
If We All Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?
If we are what we eat, I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made out of meat?
If we outlaw guns, only outlaws will have guns.
If we weren't meant to eat animals, how come they're made out of meat.
If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it.
If you are reading this you are reading off a gay internet site...
If you can do the time, you can do the crime.
If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
If you can read this I can deploy your air bag!!!
If you can read this I have lost my caravan.
If you can read this sign you must be a Florida Republican.
If you can read this the bitch fell off.
If you can read this you are too close..
If you can read this you're in range.
If you can read this, I am parked.
If you can read this, I can slam on my brakes and sue you!
If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.
If you can read this, roll me over.
If you can read this, THEN GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY!!!
If you can read this,you were hooked on phonics once...
If you can read this. thank a teacher.
If you can read this... I've lost my trailer!
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
If You Can't Dazzle Them With Brilliance, Riddle Them With Bullets.
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
iF YOU CAN'T TAKE A JOKE TAKE A HIKE!
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
If you don't like my attitude, stop looking at my stickers!
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
If you don't like the way I drive, stay off the sidewalk.
If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.
If you feel attacked by feminism, it's probably a counter attack.
If you get any closer I'll fart!
If you have something to say, raise your hand. and place it over your mouth.
If you smoke after s e x you're doing it too fast.
If You Think I’m A Bitch, Wait Until You Meet My Mother
If you think the car is dirty you should spend a night with the driver!
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach...your aiming too high.
If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week!
If you understand something today, it must be obsolete.
If you write "WASH ME" on my truck, I'll carve "RECESSITATE ME" on your chest!!!
If your gonna be a turd then go lie out in the yard.
If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
If your stupid and you know it honk your horn.
If you're against logging, try wiping your ass with plastic.
If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My Ass.
I'll not stop
Illiterate? Write For Free Help
I'm a member of the Redundancy Department of Redundancy. Keep honking I'm reloading.
I'm against ABORTION because I was once a fetus.
I'm always late. My ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.
I'm back by popular demand.
I'm feeling uppity
I'm leaving my body to science fiction
I'm looking forward to regretting this!
I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused.
I'm not as dumb as you look.
I'm not as think as you drunk I am.
I'm not driving fast-just flying low.
I'm not littering.... I'm donating to the earth.
I'm not really a driver I just play one on TV.
Im not tailgating im just tring to keep my bumper on.
I'm not your monkey
I'm objective; I object to everything.
I'm only a hypochondriac when I feel sick.
I'm only driving this way to piss you off.
I'm only here to ANNOY!!
I'm out of bed and dressed. What more do you want?
I'm serious; it was a joke.
I'm so hungry I am farting fresh air.
I'm the kind of person my parents want me to stay away from.
I'm trying to see things from your point of view, but I can't stick my head that far up my ass.
I'm with the band.
I'm wondering if you have any horns with goofy songs?
Impeach President Clinton and her husband too.
Impotence: Nature's Way Of Saying "No Hard Feelings".
In God we trust; all others must pay cash.
In theory, everything works.
Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your kids!
Instead of concentrating on this bumper sticker, maybe you should be concentrating on the road!
IRS: We’ve Got What It Takes To Take What You’ve Got.
It could be worse. What if sex was fattening?
It doesn't matter what temperature a room is; it's always room temperature.
It Is As Bad As You Think, And They Are Out To Get You.
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
It takes more faith to believe that I came from a monkey than to believe that I came from God.
It took 40 years to make me look this good.
It’s been one of those days all week
It’s Lonely At The Top, But You Eat Better.
It's a Macintosh; it's got an excuse.
It's a wonderful life.... With me.
It's all a pigment of your hallucination.
Its all fun and games until someone loses an eye.
Its always too early to quit.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
It's bad luck to be superstitious.
It's been Monday all week.
It's easier to child-proof your gun than to bullet-proof your child.
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
It's Not How You Pick Your Nose, But Where You Put The Booger.
Its not that i'm afraid to die. I just don't wanna be there when it happens.
It's not the size of the boat that matters; it's the motion in the ocean.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, but the size of the fight in the dog!
It's time to pull over and let the air out of your brain.
I've been dieting for the past month, but all I lost was 31 days!!
I've forgotten more than I've ever learned
I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway.
I've lost my phone number - can I have yours?
I've lowered my expectations to the point where they've already been met.
I've upped my standards, now up yours!
Jack Kevorkian for White House Physician
Jerry's dead, Phish sucks, get a job.
Jesus Is Coming! Look Busy!
Jesus is coming... Look busy.
Jesus loves you, but everyone else still thinks you're an ass hole.
Jesus saves lives and them redeems them for valuable prizes.
Jesus Saves… He Passes It To Gretzky… He Shoots… He Scores!
Join the IRS (Be audit you can be)
Judge me all u want. Just keep the verdict to yourself!
Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.
Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way.
Just say no to sex with pro-lifers.
Keep America clean...swallow your beer cans.
Keep honking, I am reloading!.
Kevorkian for Surgeon General
Kids in the backseat cause accidents.... accidents in the backseat cause kids.
Kiss me, i'm toxic
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
Laugh and the world laughs with you cry and the world laughs at you.
Laughter, cries and all that is wise...
Learn from your parent's mistakes use birth control!
Lets get along with me.
Life is 10% what you make it and 90% how you take it.
Life is a glitch in the universal program; death is just the programmer's way of debugging.
Life is a lesson you'll learn it when you're through.
Life is a terminal disease.
Life is just one of those things.
Life is like a straw it sucks.
Life is not a garden, so quit being a hoe!
Life is too complicated in the morning.
Life isn't weird; it's the people in it.
Life may suck, but it beats the alternative.
Life Sucks. and it leaves some mean hickies
Life. Its just a cereal
Life's a beach, and then you drown.
Life's a bitch, and then you die.
Life's a garden, dig it.
Life's expensive; drive defensive.
Life's too short to dance with ugly men/women.
Life's way too short to stay on topic
Listen to the silence!!
Live as long as you like. It won't shorten how long you're dead.
Live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking corpse behind.
Live long enough to be a problem to your kids.
Look before you open your eyes.
Look out! Behind you!
Lord, please save me from your followers.
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Love for all, Hatred for none
Love is grand. Divorce is a hundred grand.
LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands.
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer!
Man made beer, God made pot you make the choice.
Maybe Jesus Loves You, But Everyone Else Thinks You’re An Asshole
Mean people suck.
Men are idiots and i married their king.
Men are like outhouse's, always taken or full of shit!
Men are like roses, watch out for all of the pricks.
Men are proof that women have a sense of humor.
MEN. bigger. stronger. better.
Microbiology Lab: Staph Only!
Minds are like parachutes--they only function when open.
Mirrors can't talk. Luckily for you they can't laugh either.
Mistakes are proof that you are trying.
Money Isn't Everything, But It Sure Keeps The Kids In Touch
Montana --- At least our cows are sane!
More people I meet, more I like my dog....
Most Americans have Faith... You can tell by the Way They Drive
Most people plan to serve God at 11:00 and die at 10:30!
Musicians Duet Better
My boss is like a diaper, full of shit and always on my ass!
My boss treats me like a mushroom; He feeds me shit, and keeps me in the dark.
My child beat up your honor student!
My child is an honor student at the state penitentiary.
My child sold your HONOR STUDENT the answers to the test.
My child was inmate of the month at the County Jail.
My favorite color is chocolate.
My god can beat up your god
My Hockey Mom Can Beat Up Your Soccer Mom.
My IQ came back negative!
My karma ran over your dogma.
My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
My Kid Had Sex With Your Honor Student
My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
My other auto is a 9MM.
My other car is a piece of shit.
My other car sticker is funny.
My other ride is your mom
My other toy has tits.
My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
My Reality Check Just Bounced
My son can kick your son's honor student butt.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her... or something like that.
My wife said "If you go hunting or fishing one more time I'm going to leave you" ...I'm sure going to miss her.
My wife said if I watch one more Yankees game she is leaving. God I'll miss her.
National Atheist's Day April 1
Never cut what you can untie.
Never eat more than you can lift.
Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker.
Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
No glove no love.
No matter how bad it gets, It can always get worse.
No matter where you go; you're there.
No prohibiting allowed!
No Radio - Already Stolen!
No Sense Being Pessimistic. It Wouldn’t Work Anyway
No soup for you..
Nobody's perfect. I'm a Nobody.
Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.!
Non-Partisan. Non-Republican.
Not a RULES type of girl.
Not all who wander are lost.
Not Screaming And Yelling Like The Passengers In His Car
Nothing Is Foolproof To A Sufficiently-Talented Fool
Nothing is illegal until you get caught.
Nothing is impossible to the person that doesn't have to do it.
Now That You Are Kissing My Bumper... Wanna Get Married?!?!?!
Nuke the Whales.
Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Of all the things I've lost I miss my mind the most!
Oh look! just 2,852,677 more days til i start caring what you think.
Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes.
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?
On The Other Hand, You Have Different Fingers
One more repo and I’ll be debt free!
Only in America can a Vietnam Vet live in a cardboard box on the street and a draft dodger live in the White House.
Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out.
Out Of My Mind; Back In Five Minutes
Overdrawn? But I still have checks left!
Overpopulation... too much of a good thing.
Pain is inevitable misery is optional.
Pardon My Driving. I’m Reloading
Park in rear
Pay good teachers good money
People before profits!
People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do.
Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more.
Please don't hit me I'm a pedestrian trapped in a car.
Please Tell Your Pants It's Not Polite To Point.
Please! do not feed the ego!
Police line. DO NOT CROSS.
Pol-I-Tics poli meaning many, ticks meaning small blood sucking parasites.
Practice safe government. Use kingdoms.
Pride is what we have. Vanity is what others have.
Proud mother of a delinquent child!
Pull my finger.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Quiet brain! or I'll poke you with another Q-tip.
Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
Rap Is To Music What Etch-A-Sketch Is To Art
Real Men Love Jesus!
Real women don't have hot flashes they have power surges.
Reality Is A Crutch For People Who Can’t Handle Drugs.
Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
Reality is a figment of your imagination.
Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there.
RECYCLE YOUR ANIMALS
Rehab is for quitters.
RELISH TODAY...KETCHEUP TOMORROW
Remember Folks: Stop Lights Timed For 35 MPH Are Also Timed For 70 MPH.
Remember My Name – You’ll Be Screaming It Later
Remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Repetition is always better the second time.
S.A.S.R. - Speeders Against Ski Racks
S.C.A.R.Y. (Southern Citizens Advocating the Relocation of Yankees)
S.O.B.E.R. - Sick Of Banning Everyone's Rights
Santa’s Elves Are Just A Bunch Of Subordinate Clauses
Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.
Save a tree, eat a beaver.
Save on gas, go fart in a jar.
Save the planet recycle an environmentalist.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Save The Whales. Collect The Whole Set
Save Your Breath – You’ll Need It To Blow Up Your Date!
Saw It ... Wanted It ... Had A Fit ... Got It!
Say say NO thank you.
Scixelsyd Etinu (backward)
Screw you guys, I'm going home!
Seen It All, Done It All, Can’t Remember Most Of It
Seen on an old, beat-up car: "This is not an abandoned vehicle."
Sex is a misdemeanor . . .the more I miss it, the meaner I get!!
She’s Always Late. Her Ancestors Arrived On The June Flower
Sheesh!
Short Chicks rock!
Simplify
Sleep well Mum.
Slow thinkers keep right.
Smile and at nice.
Smile and the world smiles with you, Fart and you stand alone.
Smile. It’s The Second Best Thing You Can Do With Your Lips.
Smile.........show off your teeth.
SNIPER BAR & GRILL: All you need is one shot!
so close to read it!
So many cats.... So little time.
So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time
So you're a feminist - isn't that cute!
Some have morals; some don't, and most simply ignore them.
Some People Are Alive Only Because It’s Illegal To Kill Them
Someday your prince will come. Mine got lost took a wrong turn and is too stubborn to ask for directions.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep!!
Sorry, I don't date outside my species.
Sorry, you are not a winner
Spank Me!
Spare the fenders, save the trees, give the sober friend the keys.
Squirrel...it's what's for dinner.
sticker and watch the road!!!")
Stop global whining.
Stop Reading My Bumper Stickers and DRIVE!!
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
Study long study wrong.
Stupid is as stupid does.
Stupid should hurt!
Stupidity should be punished.
Stupify
Suburbia: Where they cut down all the trees and then name streets after them.
Suicide is away of telling God, You can't fire me I quit!!!!!
Super Bowl is french for...sitting on your ass and getting fat.
Support a cause stop plate tectonics.
Support bacteria! It's the only culture some people have.
Support publik edekasion
Support yogurt, it's the only culture some people have.
Surgeon Generals Warning: Smoking is bad for you. You always known that, just like everybody else. So if you do it for 20 or 30 years, don't come crying to the courts if it makes you sick. How stupid are you anyways?
T.G.I.F Thank God I'm Female.
Take me drunk I' m home.
Talk only if you can improve on the silence.
Taxation with representation isn't so hot, either!
Ted Kennedy's car has killed more people than my gun.
Tell me to 'Stuff It' - I'm a taxidermist.
Tennis players have fuzzy balls.
Thank You...YOU MAY GO!!
Thanks for being a contestant.
That’s all I'm saying and I ain't saying no more.
The American Dream is a chicken in every pot. Why did we elect a chicken that smoked pot?
The beatings will continue until employee morale improves.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
The Big Bang Theory: God Spoke and BANG it Happened.
The buck doesn't even slow down here.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
The Earth Is Full - Go Home
The Face Is Familiar But I Can't Quite Remember My Name
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
The good thing about small cars is that you can fit twice as many into a traffic jam.
The horn blows does the driver!
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train.
The Lord made us all different... Democrats want to make us all the same!
The meek will Internet the world.
The more I learn, the less I understand.
The more people I meet, the more I like my dog.
The More You Complain, The Longer God Makes You Live.
The more you listen, the more you know.
The number of people staring at you is directly proportional to the stupidity of your actions.
The princess is in.
The road to hell is paved with democrats!
The Schizophrenic: An Unauthorized Autobiography
The Second Place Is The First Loser
The Sex Was So Good That Even The Neighbors Had A Cigarette.
The sky is always bluer at the top of the windshield.
The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The squeaky wheel is often replaced.
The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't
There are only three types of people in this world. Those who can count and those who can't.

There are only two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead!!!!
There are only two things in life you can count on: Death and Taxes.
There are two kinds of drivers; those who make dust & those who eat it..
There is no shortcut to anywhere worth going.
They keep saying the right person will come along; I think a truck hit mine.
They told me I was gullible... and I believed them.
They told me I was gullible...then they took it out of the dictionary.
They're not hot flashes...they're POWER SURGES!
THINK before you ACT.
This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day!
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
This car is protected by an anti-theft sticker!
This is not an abandoned car.
This is the rebel base.
This truck has been in 15 accidents...and hasn't lost one yet..
This vehicle insured by Smith and Wesson.
This was better than any diet I've ever been on.
This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead.
This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me
Those Who Live By The Sword Get Shot By Those Who Don’t
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Time Circles: The Lord Creates The Universe Evolves The Lord
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time flies when you don't know what you're doing.
Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
Time is what keeps things from happening all at once.
To All You Virgins: Thanks For Nothing.
To all you virgins; thanks for nothing!
To be loved, be lovable
To be old and wise you must first be young and stupid.
To err is human; to forgive is not Company Policy.
To you it's a six-pack; to me it's a support group.
Today's subliminal message is: ( )
Too many freaks, not enough circus's!
Try it sober!
Turn Signals: Not just for smart people anymore.
Unless You're A Hemorrhoid, STAY OFF MY ASS!
Unlike online, in reality, you can’t hit the back button.
Vegetarian: Indian word for BAD HUNTER!
Very Funny, Scotty. Now Beam Up My Clothes.
visualize whirled peas
Vote BUSH/CHENEY
Want to be somebody? Don't drive after drinking.
Wanted: Meaningful Overnight Relationship
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
WARNING: DATES ON CALENDAR ARE CLOSER THAN THEY APPEAR.
WARNING: mental backup in progress.
Was today really necessary?
WATCH OUT! COMING THROUGH!
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
We are having EVER so much fun!
We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
WE ARE MICROSOFT. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOU WILL BE ASSIMILATED.
We are the people our parents warned us about.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "Smart"?
Welcome to California. Now go home!
Welcome to reality...come again soon.
Welcome To Shit Creek – Sorry, We’re Out Of Paddles
Well, isn't that special!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what its all about?
What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
wHAT IS THIS? BIZARROLAND??
What part of http://www.getalife.com do you not understand?
WHAT WOULD SCOOBY DO!
What would Xena Do?
What you don't do is always more important than what you do do.
What, are you stuck on stupid.
Whatever!
When all else fails, lower your standards.
When blondes have more fun, do they know it?
WHEN GOD MADE MAN, SHE WAS ONLY JOKING.
When I die bury me upside down so the world can kiss my ass.
When I married 'Mr. Right,' I didn't know his first name was 'always.'
When i want your opinion i'll beat it out of you.
When in danger or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
When life is bad...keep your head up, that way you don't see all the shit you've stepped in.
When The Chips Are Down, The Buffalo Is Empty
When there's a will, I want to be in it!
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
Where Are We Going And Why Am I In This Handbasket?
Where in the nursery rhyme does say that Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
Where is this porn?
Where There’s A Will, I’m In The Way.
Where there's a will there's a BEER!
Where there's a will, I want to be in it!
Which came first, the woman or the department store?
Who are these kids and why are they calling me MOM?
Who died and made YOU Darth Vader?.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
who needs this crap.
Who put a stop payment on my reality check?
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Who's Your Daddy?
Why am I so thirsty when I drank so much last night?
Why are girls that way?
Why be difficult, when with a bit of effort, you can be impossible?
Why be normal?
Why can't women learn to put the toilet seat back up?
Why did God give beauty queens one more brain cell than horses? So they wouldn't shit on stage.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Why do they call it a bumper if your not going to use it?
Why do we believe everything we see in newspapers but question what the Bible says?
Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
WHY ME?
Wink, I'll do the rest!
Without pain and suffering you have no choice!
Women are born leaders, LOOK you are following one now!
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
Wouldn't it be nice if there were an Escape key for all of our problems?
Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest son of a bitch in the valley.
YES this is my truck, NO I won't help you move!.
Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!
Yes, in fact...my father does own this road.
Yesterday I knew nothing today I know that.
You ain't seen nothin' yet...
You Are Depriving Some Village Of Its Idiot
You are driving to close I can see your bald spot.
YOU ARE HERE!
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
You are right where you belong, behind me!
You can pick your nose and pick your friends, but you can't wipe your friends on the couch.
You can't be late until you show up.
You get all this and my dads loaded.
You have been a naughty boy, go to my room!
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
You Have The Right To Remain Silent. Anything You Say Will Be Misquoted And Used Against You
You have to be really secure to be seen in this car.
You just lived your best moment, now GO live another!
You know your getting older when Happy Hour is a nap.
You went on vacation and all i got was this stupid bumper sticker?
You! Out Of The Gene Pool!
YOU! Out of the gene pool.
You’re Just Jealous Because The Voices Only Speak To Me
Your Child May Be An Honor Student, But You’re Still An Asshole
Your honor student deals the best drugs.
Your lucky color has faded.
Your such a Muggle!
Your village called, their idiot is missing.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to ME.
You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on.
You're not the boss of me!

A Visit to the Doctor

2011-08-31T02:52:00.000-07:00

I was waiting in the hospital waiting room for what seemed like forever, although it had been about an hour. The specialist’s appointments were running late, as usual, but I listened to my latest detective novel on my MP3 player and waited for my name to be called. I was waiting for test results, although I knew they were positive there is always some anxiety when you reach a certain age. I describe age usually as after the warranty runs out at about 30, you always have a worry.

My name was called and I went into one of the smaller consulting rooms and waited, listening for the doctor. Medical staff was rushing around trying to see all of the patients at the end of the day, and get them in before it was time to leave. My meter had about half an hour on it when the doctor appeared, half an hour or so later.

Preceding the doctor a young man in a lab coat came in to say hello, and talk to me a bit. Being in my world, I assumed that this nice looking, tall young guy was a high school co-op student working in the summer, probably as a volunteer. I had seen another such young volunteer in a previous visit helping people find their way through a very large city hospital.

Therefore I was stunned when he said, putting out his waiting hand, “Hello Mr. Greenblatt, I’m Doctor …….., I’m the Urology Resident”!

I know when I have reached the certain age, and I am there!

Memories of Somone Else's Father, Thank God!

2011-08-28T05:14:00.000-07:00

This is part of an email I received from an old friend I haven’t seen since 1977. He describes the father of another friend I haven’t been in touch with since 1966.

“His father, a man of exemplary reputation, once tried to get me to hawk fake driver's licenses for college students so they could drink. He took me down to the basement of his pool hall ….. to show me his printing press-- where he also had about a thousand stolen TV sets which he wanted me to sell to students for 50 bucks apiece. (I think television sets back then cost a couple hundred)

The father died of a heart attack in a phone booth at the Police Station, across the street from the pool hall. My brother went to the Shiva house the night of the funeral to conduct a service for the family and shortly after he left, six armed thugs held them at bay in the living room while they ransacked the house looking for money they believed the father had stashed.

I last saw the father was at the Hospital a couple weeks earlier when he was recuperating from a heart attack. He knew medicine better than the doctors, so after a week of recovery he decided he had had enough of the hospital and called a cab in the early morning hours and went home, where he recuperated for another few days, after which time, against doctor's order, he went back to work.

It was maybe a week or so later he dropped dead in the phone booth.”

Early Morning Shower Time

2011-08-25T16:53:00.000-07:00

My daughter was in the bathroom this morning as I came up the stairs to get ready for work. This is not unusual, and I decided to wait for her to finish and I would go in after her. I lay down on my bed and thought I’d take a five minute nap.
I heard a “pop” sound and the distinct noise of the shower working. Odd, I thought, why my daughter would be taking a shower now as she always takes her shower at night and I take one in the morning.
A few seconds later it hit me, I could never hear the shower that loudly from my bed! That shower noise was coming from our small half bath off of the bedroom, which has no shower!

I ran over and found Mt. Vesuvius erupting all over the small bathroom! Before considering the problems involved here, I instinctively reached down and shut off the water valve and stopped the shower gushing all over the walls and the floor. I ran to the linen closet and grabbed 8 or 9 towels and ran back to try and soak up as much water as I could.

The toilet ceased to be the concern and the floor on which I was sloshing became my focus.

After that was over, I put the used towels in a laundry basket and brought them downstairs where my distraught wife who probably thought I’d done something horrible, was waiting.

I went back upstairs to get ready when screams told me the ceiling in the living room was gushing water. We’ve had this experience twice before and we are able to try and deal with this one as long as we have towels and buckets. As well, I have to punch a hole or two in the ceiling to relieve the pressure and give it a few days to dry out before repairing it, we hope.

I left with the upstairs bathroom clean, the living room with towels and plastic buckets and a promise from our plumber to be there at around d 4:30p.m.

I don’t want to just tighten the nut that has probably come off, because there must be something else wrong as plumbing fixtures, not touched, don’t unscrew themselves in my life. This has not been changed or worked on, as far as I know, for the 28 years the house has stood. I would rather get a second opinion first!

The plumber appeared at 3:30 and reviewed the situation and declared the original nut as broken! It had ceased to function, given up the ghost, and providential as it may be, did it while I happened to be there.

He also replaced all the toilet insides as they seemed to be from the same 1983 installation.

He has recommended replacing the ceiling in the living room and dining room. I am seeking a second opinion.

Note: What were the odds that the nut would split while I was in the room? The chances were greater that it would have happened and rained down on us destroying ceilings and floors below and doing thousands of dollars in damages. I stopped the deluge after a thirty second to a minute time period and thus ended a tragic possibility.

Lost Child Returned

2011-08-23T02:44:00.000-07:00

Yesterday as I went out to walk Max at about 5:00, I ran onto a nice young man on a bike with a small child. The guy asked me if I knew who this boy was as he had just found him wandering down the street. I had no idea, but said I’d look around as I walked the dog and see if I could find a searching family member wandering the streets. He had found the boy a block away wandering off the walking path on to a very busy street and he sort of said he lived down this way. The young man had already called the police and was waiting for help.

I walked Max a bit and found no one. I grew concerned myself and came back, put Max in the house and waited with them for the police.

We gathered a bit of a following as people came by and were equally concerned.

The boy was about 2 or 3 years old and spoke a bit, but probably not all in English. He was (we guessed) speaking Arabic, but we weren’t sure. He also had no shoes on so we knew he probably had wandered from a park or a home.

We waited, and considered that of all of the things one expects they may find on the street in their life; a child is not one of them.

After 30 minutes (this was not considered an emergency by the 911 operator) two police cars arrived. We drew a bigger crowd as onlookers considered something was happening. The police were lovely and worked well with the child and we (my wife and two daughters were part of the crowd now) knew they didn’t want to take the child in but simply wanted to find his home.

There had been no reported missing children as yet, so it was a mystery but we all figured he must have walked away and no one knew it as yet.

The people (including us) went home and the police took the boy. They walked him back the way he had come (we can watch from our kitchen window) and after a while the police returned empty handed. My wife went out to ask what had happened, and it seemed the boy was able, when walked back, to identify were he came from and the police were able to knock on doors in the neighbourhood and find his Grandmother, who was “watching” him.

The whole thing was frightening but the end was fantastic! We were all relieved, and the Grandmother, who ever she is and where ever she lives will probably watch a little harder the next time.

I had informed the young man on the bike that if the child's family were not found after 30 days, he was given the child to keep. He didn't believe me.

This was a very happy ending.

Help, my balls hurt and I can't get up....

2011-08-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

It was the mid 80’s and I received a call from my middle son in the middle of the day. “Dad, I’ve twisted my balls!” This was a cry for help and the funniest thing I’d ever heard. I had no idea what was wrong and what he’d done but it was killing me!

I asked a few questions and the story unfolded. It seems he was playing King of the Hill in front of his high school with several other football players and assorted friends, and the idea was when you reached the top of the hill, you fought off all onslaughts so you could stay there, at any cost. (Perhaps not at the cost of your testicles but it hadn’t come up in their conversations.)

I immediately left work (or where ever I was) and got him and we went home. He was in pain and I called the doctor and made an immediate appointment, because as it turns out, if you in fact twist your testicles internally you only have a few hours before they die and have to be removed. This is not a good situation. His embarrassment went from a simple embarrassing moment to a serious problem.

The Doctor got an immediate appointment with a specialist (a ball doctor I presume) and off we went. The person at the desk was unfortunately also a student at the same high school as my son, and a very pretty young lady. My son went kind of mute when she asked what was wrong as he could not get up the courage needed to explain about his testicles and King of the Hill.

We went inside and the Doctor examined him and nothing had really been turned, so he had pain, took some Motrin or something, and went home, much relieved.

I was relieved as well, and appreciate my grandchildren even more than normally, because there was this time when I considered he may never have been able to reproduce, although at the time it seemed more like a blessing!

Luxuries

2011-08-14T07:20:00.000-07:00

I’m trying to remember luxuries that we thought of as kids. Items that existed already (not MP3 players etc.) that seemed to belong to the rich or at least to families of means. The list could be long but I’ll try my best.
Power windows, door locks, steering and brakes: If you’ve never driven a 50’s Olds or Buick without power steering you haven’t lived. Especially there was no experience like parking in a tight space. Sometimes people would ask for help parking because they couldn’t turn the wheel anymore.
Air conditioning in more than a window unit: This was huge, in fact I can’t remember anyone havionng more than one. This in a car was for millionaires only in the early days and an expensive item in a new car, as I remember, it was $1,000 itself when the car was $3,000 without it. Some less rich folks were able to get an aftermarket one from Pep Boys or where ever and it was less and took up the whole middle of the front seat floor, making your bench seat fit two.
Color TV: A black and white became standard by the mid 50’s as I remember, but a color one, whenever it came out, was very expensive and of course, not too good. Some shows came on in color, not all.
Renting Cars” I was reminded by an old friend in Detroit who was older than me that renting a car was a luxury for the wealthy traveler. In most cases, a vacation was usually somewhere you drove to, or took a bus or a train, but never “hiring” a car, this was reserved for the wealthy.
Eating out at restaurants: While not a millionaire’s event, this was reserved for special occasions and certainly not several times a day with the kids. Also, if there was a dinner for kids in advance of the adults it was not by taking the kids out for dinner as it is often today.
Multiple Telephones: By the time I was a teenager, some girls had their own phones but it was rare. It was more possible to have an extension in a kid’s room, not a separate line. Most homes had a phone in the downstairs hall and that was it. Earlier, we had party lines as it was cheaper and you only had a few calls anyway.
Portable Radios: These were not millionaire’s items but fairly expensive and required two (at least mine did) very large and heavy batteries to use. This was way before the transistor type we think of as available “in the day”. Not an item you saw around very much.
45 Record Player in the car: This was a factory 45 item, seldom purchased and quite a luxury. It was placed in the glove compartment (used up the whole space) and had a tone arm that must have weighed 1-2 pounds. It was on springs and with this heavy tone arm resisted skipping, but didn’t work all that well. It was a luxury however, and in a parked car with a young lady must have been a winner except it had no changer, so you had only 2-3 minutes to make your moves before the record would have to be changed.
Swimming pools at home: Basically, this didn’t exist in my world. I saw one in a mid-town home in an old neighbourhood in Baltimore once, but it was not filled and didn’t work. I can’t remember anyone ever, in my middle income circle, having a pool. In fact, when I had one in 1978, I thought I’d died and gone to heaven although by then it was more normalized.

I think this post will need to grow as people let me know of other luxuries they remember .

Editorial Notes:

How great, Barbie posted her thoughts on dishwashers. I had forgotten all about them but they truly were a luxury!

Another was airplane flights! My father was 60 before he was on a plane. I was 28 and my son was about a year! This used to be a big luxury!

New Ones from Joel and Arthur:

Owning more than one car (a second car)

Owning a Cadillac

Belonging to a country club

Living in the suburbs

Taking a trip such as Florida or California

Having an expensive Bar Mitzvah

Owning a second (or vacation) home or a rental property,

Owning stocks in addition to your bond-a-month plan

Any kind of boat,

Water skiing,

Snow skiing,

Anyone living in a home with a name, e.g., Greenbrier; was clearly of immense means.

The Goldstein's Cat

2011-08-12T07:13:00.000-07:00

The Goldstein’s became our friends when we moved to Kansas City in 1974. I was there for a year working on a grant project for the Union of Independent Colleges of Art. We met and had fun with lots of people during that year, but the Goldstein’s were particularly close, and as luck would have it they moved to Ann Arbour, MI about a year before we moved to Detroit. This gave us years of continued connection.
The Goldstein’s had a cat in Ann Arbour who they named Arthur Greenblatt.

This morning I was explaining to my wife how I used to be very energetic, in my “youth”, but as I got elderly, this all seemed to go away. She reminded me of the Goldstein’s cat story.

I was visiting the Goldstein’s for the first time in Ann Arbour, and after we entered, I heard Anita (from a back room) calling, “Arthur Greenblatt, you fat lazy bastard, get out of there!”

I had no idea that was the name of their cat and was a bit concerned about my welcome.

The cat had general characteristics that they attributed to me. I guess I wasn’t as energetic (at 36) as I thought I was. My “cat like” reflexes must have been attributed to that cat.

He was a lovely, lazy fat cat and a wonder to behold!

Freaky Friday Syndrome

2011-08-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

I know it’s an old movie and now we have “The Change Up” with the same theme, a body and/or mind changing possibility, where one person becomes another one. The magical event happens when you become your friend, your mother or anything else, and he or she becomes you. This is a fantasy, and one which I was concerned about last Sunday.

My wife and I had gone to Aberfoyle, Ontario for the weekly antique market event. It was extremely hot, and I was unhappy about walking around in the 90 degree+ heat with high humidity, but I did. I found a bottle of water for sale and hydrated. After a while I needed to use the washroom and we quickly found one. My wife told me she would wait for me in and around the area of the steps up to the washroom.

When I was finished, a few minutes later, I returned and my wife was gone. In her place was a local Hamilton artist, a woman of the same age and size as my wife and someone we both know. Aberfoyle is a far piece up the road from where we live, so running into someone we know would be possible but unlikely on such a hot day in the middle of the summer.

For a brief moment I considered the impossible. Could my wife have changed bodies with this woman? Could this be my wife? I sure hope not! This would not have been my fantasy! This was a bit scary!

OK, she is a nice person and if I had to spend the rest of my life with her it would not be a bad thing, but in the movie fantasy, the mind changes, the body remains the same. Here I had different person become my wife. I am sure she would not have wanted to spend her days with me either.

I called over to her, using her real name, and thankfully she was as surprised to see me as I was to see her. My wife arrived after looking at some antiques a few feet away, and I breathed a sigh of relief. I am sure she never considered what I had considered, as she just happened to run onto me and had no idea she had been standing exactly where my wife was standing a few minutes before.

Overheard at Dinner last night

2011-08-07T04:50:00.000-07:00

After dinner and much to drink:

3 mothers of teen aged girls

Mother #1

“ Is your daughter doing much with boys? ”

Mother #2

“No, she’s not really into boys that much. She has lots of friends and some are boys but no boy in particular”

Mother #1

“Yea, the same with us. Not a boy thing either. It makes me happy; she’ll get there sooner or later”.

Mother #3

“I don’t know. Don’t you want your girls to know what sex is, I mean really good sex?”

The Jubilee

2011-08-03T14:10:00.000-07:00

This is the Jubilee Auditorium in Calgary, Alberta. It has nothing to do with the story except the name but it's a place I've given out degrees and diplomas in and it brings back fond memeories and is a scarey place to stand the first time you see it.

In today’s email I received the following:

Hello Arthur:

I was hoping you would be a reference for me for the position I applied to as Assistant Director (attached) at the xxxxxxx covering for a maturity leave.

I hope all is well with you.

Cheers,

Xxxx

OK, here it is. I couldn’t stop laughing! I know (as you probably do) what she meant, but I love Maturity Leave!

This is a great idea. I wrote to her and explained that a maturity leave in this day and age is final, not a leave. However, maternity leave usually means is a yearlong job.

But what a great idea! It relates to an older notion of a Jubilee Year, much like a sabbatical, a Jubilee Year was your 50^th year as a year off.

It is written in the Torah, "You shall sanctify the 50th year and proclaim freedom throughout the land for all its inhabitants; it shall be the Jubilee year for you, you shall return each person to his ancestral heritage and you shall return each to his family. It shall be a Jubilee Year for you - the 50th year - you shall not sow, you shall not harvest its after-growth and you shall not pick what was set aside of it for yourself. For it is a Jubilee Year, it shall be holy to you; from the field you eat its crop." (Leviticus 25:10-13)

Basically, these verses indicate that the Jubilee requires all debts between Jews to be annulled. Also, any Jew that sold his or herself into slavery is released, whether they worked the amount of time they promised, or not.

However, let us be more open with the concept and offer a Jubilee Year to all. Please feel free to thank me for it if it comes!

The Haircut

2011-07-31T06:53:00.000-07:00

I arrived at the haircut place at about 10 a.m. yesterday. Almost simultaneously, a young woman arrived and parked next to me. We both got out of our cars and went in. Being chivalrous or at least old school, I held the door open to let her in. As it happens, she got the very next spot and I had to wait a bit.

She was a nice looking woman, probably in her mid 30’s, with a bad haircut, unfortunately, going where I go, to a mass chain hair cut place is the cheapest answer but not always the best. However, when asked what she wanted she had not a clue so she gets what she deserves I guess. As you can see on an early Saturday morning it was quiet and I had nothing else to do but watch her and the other guy in the chair before me getting some sort of flattop. He was the right age for this and was a geek at best.

My turn came up, post geek, and I got into the chair and we talked a bit. It was mainly me talking about how quiet the city was over the long weekend and how my daughter and I had been out to dinner the night before and how quiet it had been for a Friday night in downtown Hamilton.

When finished, I went to pay, and the haircut person said I should wait as the other haircutter was not quite finished with the other woman. I asked why I had to wait and she said I could pay for them both at the same time.

I was startled! Why was I doing this? She said, “Isn’t she your daughter?”

The woman having her hair cut thought this was a great idea that I should pay for her. I insisted I had to go but she would pay for me. We all laughed as it was explained that because we both came in together, they all thought we were together.

The funny thing is, in my mind, I was thinking (but thankfully kept this to myself) that this woman was way too old to be my daughter! The real truth is that my oldest son is 48 so of course she was not too old and I shouldn’t be offended, but because my daughter in question is 17, I just automatically considered that only a teenager could possibly be my daughter. Not everyone would see this.

I paid for myself and left, wanting to tell my new found daughter that there are better places to get her hair done and that she needs to go find a style! She really was pretty underneath all that bad taste. And if she were my daughter……

The Wrong Number

2011-07-28T17:13:00.000-07:00

I went to call my Aunt the other night and simply picked up the phone after dinner, sitting outside finishing a beer, and dialed her phone number, all the while thinking something was wrong. I have been calling my Aunt at her house for 40 years or so, and more often in later years, and I know her number like I know the back of my hand and yet, something seemed wrong.

When the phone was answered I knew it was a wrong number but I asked for my Aunt and was told it was wrong. I recognised a Baltimore accent so I knew I had the right area code but the number, although very familiar, was wrong.

I thought very hard and came up with the right number. I wanted to call 410-555-0364 (the 555 is a Hollywood gimmick as there are no 555 area codes and they always use it in movies) but instead I called 410-555-1792. (To be clear on the concept, I can’t use the number here because people may start calling my Aunt or this other wrong number.)

After my conversation with my Aunt I called my first wife to see if she remembered the number. It was familiar to her but she couldn’t come up with the original owners of that phone number either. She thought it could even have been our number because neither of us could remember it but we knew it.

My son was called but was not home. My daughter in law, a psychologist, said that I may have had a cognitive disturbance of some kind, a sort of brain fart. As I spoke with her my brain cleared and I knew what I had done. I told her not to give my son the message as I had just solved the puzzle. This was the home phone number of some old friends, both deceased for some time, but who I used to call often when we lived in Baltimore and once a year usually on Christmas Eve after we had moved. I called every Christmas eve no matter where I was for probably 17 years. I guess I just remembered the number too well.

so, how did you finally meet your wife?”

2011-07-26T14:35:00.000-07:00

And you say, “OK, we now know how you met yourmother-in-law, so how did you finally meet your wife?”

After my mother in law came home, and she spoke withher daughter later that day, she said she had met an interesting man (me) and Iwould be a good possibility for her daughter, who I had never met. My now wifeassured her I was too old for her. All was forgotten.

A few weeks later we had an opening party, where we had the 12 artistssigning calendars (100 signed ones to sell for $100 instead of $15 for aregular one) and a good time was had by all. There was music and food andalcohol and it was good. I brought a date that enjoyed herself, and at the endof the evening I was talking to some people when the crowd seemed to disperse,much like Moses parting the Red Sea, and people were being flung far and wideas this woman came barreling through the crowd towards me. She reached overseveral people fleeing for their lives and shook my hand, explaining that shewas the art director for this project and it was her mother who had sat andwaited for my mattress. I told her how nice it was to meet her and she leftwith her girlfriends, and as I looked into her eyes I felt an immediateconnection, which my date did not feel.

I called our mutual friend Edee, and asked about her. First, I needed toknow how old she was and what did she do and asked for any information shecould give me. I had an unwritten rule that I never went out with women whowere younger than my oldest son. I just wanted to make sure she fit thatprofile and she did as she is eight years older than my son. I found out shewas a full time art director and that she had been married before. This was allgood information. And lastly, I wanted her phone number which I got.

At this point we all begin to act as if we are in the seventh grade. Ourfriend calls the woman to tell her I’m interested and assure her I will becalling. I put the number away so I can call her later on as I still had mydate with me for a while, and “any port in a storm……”

My date (and wife) to be was getting worried because I hadn’t called andI had almost forgot about it but it looked to me that I had to get out of mycurrent relationship anyway so I better call as soon as I had a space. My dateto be was concerned and was calling our friend Edee to see what had happened tome, which was, of course, nothing.

I finally did call her and we made a date for dinner the following week.I went to her apartment and she lived in a lovely place, the first date Iprobably had who lived alone in a place not looking like a college dorm room. Idressed for dinner and had on a tie in those days and a sport coat, and we hada glass of wine at her place in chilled glasses (I was impressed) and we wentto El Zocalo in the Mexican area of Detroit.

The story continues for the next 25 years, but a highlight of thatevening was that 20 years later, at about the same time of year, we drove toDetroit and went to the same restaurant with both of our girls. They loved theplace and the food and often ask to go back. It’s a bit hard for a one dayevent, as it takes about four hours each way, but we have done it before.

That's how I met my mother in law

2011-07-24T03:42:00.000-07:00

Here’s a verse from The Echo Song (SippingCider), an old camp song:

That's how I got (that's how I got)
My mother-in-law (my mother-in-law)
by sippin' ci- (by sippin' ci)-der through a straw.
That's how I got (that's how I got)
My mother-in-law (my mother-in-law)
(everyone) by sippin' cider through a straw.

I met my mother in law before I met my wife.

I hadbeen asked by Edee Seymour, a woman who was at that time, working for the MichiganArthritis Foundation, to participate as a resource person to a Michigan ArtistsCalendar, a fund raising idea she had, which included giving 12 differentartists each a page in a calendar, to be sold as a benefit. I was one ofseveral people she came to for suggestions as to who should be included andwhat we could do to promote this item.

Along the line she scheduled a radiointerview at WJZZ, Detroit’s jazz radio for well-known Detroit artist CharlesMcGee and me. It was on a Wednesday afternoon, and their offices were not farfrom my office so it would be easy.

Three weeks before the interview, I purchaseda mattress from Sears, which was to be delivered on the following Wednesday,the day they delivered to my neighborhood, and I had to take off the whole day(it could have been a half day as memory fails a bit) but I booked it off. OnTuesday evening Sears called to say it would not be here and it would be anotherweek. I changed my schedule and went to work. The following Tuesday evening,Sears called again and said it was not available but would be delivered the followingWednesday, the day of the interview.

I was upset because I had to take off a wholeday but would not know when the bed would be delivered, and therefore I couldn’tdo the radio show. I called Edee and explained, and she suggested she could getan apartment watcher to sit in my place and wait for Sears if they had notshown by 11:00 a.m., which was when I had to leave for WJZZ. I agreed, and Edeecalled my now wife, the volunteer art director for the calendar project, andasked if she knew anyone who could sit and wait for a mattress. She explainedthat her mother didn’t work and could be convinced to go and sit and wait forthe mattress.

At 11:00 a.m. on Wednesday, my nowmother-in-law showed up with her violin, and told me she would wait for mymattress, and asked if she could practice her violin. I was delighted, and lefther with instructions, which she followed, about the delivery.

She followed the instructions, the mattresswas delivered and all was fine.

When she spoke with her daughter later thatday, she said she had met an interesting man (me) and I would be a goodpossibility for her daughter, who I had never met. My now wife assured her Iwas too old for her.

The rest of the story will follow soon, butthat was how I met my mother-in-law, not sipping cider through a straw.

Cabot Street Cinema Theatre

2011-07-20T18:36:00.000-07:00

Taken from Wikipedia and the Cabot Street Theater web site.

One of the memories that stands out from our time living in Beverly, MA, isthe Cabot Street Theater. A Beverly landmark, a national treasure, it was just amagic experience.

I often think how much my kids would love this place if it were availableto them, and how we would enjoy walking up the street to go to the movies, ashort three blocks away.

The Cabot Street Cinema Theatreis located at 286 Cabot Street in Beverly, MA. It offers live performances of the Le Grand DavidSpectacular Magic Company and art house films.

For almost ninety years the Cabot Street Cinema Theatre has been animportant part of the Boston's North Shore community. Harris and Glover Ware,two brothers and former vaudeville musicians from Marblehead,MA, built the Cabot eight years after the construction oftheir first Beverly theater, the Larcom Theater. It wasdescribed as having “the most impressive auditorium of its size east of NewYork.” Erected with ballyhoo and great expense in 1920, it was immediatelyBeverly’s grandest playhouse. Large enough to accommodate any kind ofentertainment, from silent pictures to opera, the Cabot was also grand enough—withits frescoes, filigrees, golden dome, and full balcony—to rival big-city showpalaces.

The Cabot's architects were Funk and Wilcox, who had already made a namefor themselves with the Athenaeum and the Strand Theatre in Dorchester, MA. Back then, movie palaces included fully equipped stagesbecause film showings were often preceded by live acts—vaudeville. They werealso built with orchestra pits for musicians who accompanied the silent filmsand the stage production.

Out of the 20,000 movie palaces entertaining America in 1920, the NationalTrust for Historic Preservation estimates that less than 250 remain.Eighty-eight years after it opened, the Cabot maintains a grand tradition ofelegant movie-going and live stage entertainment thanks to impresario Marco theMagi. He stated, “The total effect of a motion picture is conditioned by theenvironment in which it is shown.” Marco selects the Cabot’s “films worthseeing more than once;” he directs its attentive tuxedoed ushering staff, anddesigns its interior decor, including the fresh cut flower bouquets. Raised inthe grand tradition from which the Cabot was born, he has allowed movie-goingto be an occasion where a community gathers to be entertained in an elegantenvironment.

Through the years, the theatre’s beautifulinterior design was kept largely intact. A 43-foot dome with bronze chandelierstill overarches the seats of the orchestra and balcony, and the ornateplasterwork of the proscenium is decorated with murals and gold-leaf. Theinterior design of circular or elliptical arches maximizes the acoustic andaesthetic effect.

By August 1976, the Cabot Cinema (its namechanged in 1964) had fallen on hard times. That changed when the present ownersbrought new life and a new name (Cabot Street Cinema Theatre) to the agingdream-palace. The long-dormant stage was soon fully restored and theworld-renowned stage magic extravaganza known as Le Grand David and his own Spectacular Magic Company, debuted onFebruary 20, 1977.

Today, in the elegance of an historic 1920theatre, you can enjoy a wonderful selection of fine domestic and foreignlanguage films on the big screen.

Le Grand David and his own Spectacular Magic Company,recognized by the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s longestrunning resident stage magic production, has amazed and entertained audiencesof all ages for 35 consecutive years with its renowned stage magic extravaganzaat the elegant 1920 Cabot Street Cinema Theatre. Each performance sparkles withclassic illusions of stage magic, dozens of elaborate backdrops and curtains,hundreds of stunning costumes, beautiful choreography, and lovely classicalmusic.

Beverly’s acclaimedtroupe has mounted another, all-different, dazzling production, An Anthology ofStage Magic at the historic 1912 Larcom Theatre, a jewelbox of a playhouselocated at 13 Wallis Street in downtown Beverly, just four blocks from the Cabot.With its horseshoe-shaped balcony and antique pressed tin interior, the Larcomis the perfect showcase for joyful family entertainment.

Chinese Restaurants of my Childhood

2011-07-19T03:05:00.000-07:00

I remember the Lotus Inn in Baltimore onReisterstown Road near Pikesville. It was the Chinese restaurant of choice fortons of teens in my era, and was a nice, average restaurant a bit out of theway for me. I spent more time at Nan King restaurant, just nearby my house in aslightly less upscale neighbourhood, I guess. In September, 2009,
I wrote about the restaurant and I said:

“When I was a kid I used to go to theneighborhood Chinese Restaurant, Nan King. It was across the street from thebowling alley in our Forest Parkneighborhood, and was always a wondrous place, full of great and exotic food.

Now, granted, this was in the days beforewe ever heard of Szechwan cooking or Sushi orVietnamese cuisine.

They had dishes with pork and shrimp andlobster, these were things that little Jewish boys only heard about, becausethey wouldn’t have been seen in our house. It’s not like we were kosher, it’sreally just that these foods were foreign to us at the time.

My father would not eat Chinese food, sothis became a special place for my mother and I to eat lunch on specialSaturdays. We would get Chow Mein and Fried Rice and all those exotic Cantonesedishes.

As a teenager, I returned there withfriends. My friend Ted Fisher and I would go there often and get combinationplatters, a great bargain. The pork chow mien and fried rice with an egg rolland soup was about $1.10 and the shrimp egg foo young and fried rice and an eggroll with soup was about $1.25. These came with dessert of course, peppermintice cream!

I know this place closed many years ago, aswell we moved on to the Lotus Inn when we were mobile, a more upscale(slightly) place a mile or so uptown. When I was older, we were turned awayfrom the Cantonese places by the more exotic ones, but my memories of sittingthere with warm china containers with lids full of wonderful food and pots oftea still remains.

Much like my story about the Pimlico Hotel,I have a Nan Kin story. No, I didn’t steal from these lovely people, but anopportunity came up a few years ago on eBay to acquire four tea cups from therestaurant. I hold the cups in my hand and it takes me back to a kinder, moregentler time……”

However, today I found this postcard fromthe Lotus Inn and it brought to mind a story.

When I was a kid, a teen ager, myfraternity (pledge class maybe) had a Father and Son Dinner. It was a lunchreally, because it must have been a cheap way to do it, at the Lotus Inn.

My father, a lovely guy, was a bad eater,or I guess just a picky one. He had a few things he liked, and many he didn’t.Chinese Food was one of his least favorites, in fact I never saw him eat any.However, because of this event, he was willing to go to the Lotus Inn with me.I believe he had fried chicken, which he did eat, but he enjoyed himself in thecamaraderie of his son and another one of my friends and their father (who it wasis lost in time) who shared our booth.

As I remember it was a good crowd, and thiswas before political correctness so it was a Father and Son Event, not a childwith any given caregiver.

The restaurant is gone as are most of theattendees, but I remember the time so well….

Lawn

2011-07-17T11:45:00.000-07:00

After installing artificial turf in front of our newly renovated building,I went outside on Friday to walk over to the library and found an older woman(older than me) bent over looking carefully at out mnow completed lawn. Iasked, “Can I help you?”

“Is it real”, she said and I told her it was. I explainedthe process and what it was called, as she asked for a name of the product andI explained it was artificial turf. “What about the black stuff, the dirt?” sheasked, and I explained it was ground up automobile tires spread throughout thesurface and it acts pretty much like dirt but it weighs down the carpet. Iexpected a negative reaction and was pleasantly surprised that she had apositive one. She was amazed.

I did explain that we did not have to pay to cut it regularly,did not have the kids trample it each summer and turn it to mud when it rains.This eliminates the dirt and dust being tracked into the building most of thesummer and fall.

She left very pleased and I asked her to come back in a weekor so when it will be entirely installed as thye still are working on the finalstages.

That was the first time I’ve ever had anyone looking deeplyinto my lawn anywhere.

Sheetz

2011-07-13T14:11:00.000-07:00

For those of you who know, there is Sheetz. For those whodon’t,” above allelse, Sheetz is about providing kicked-up convenience while being more thanjust a convenience store. Sheetz is a mecca for people on the go. If you needto refuel your car or refresh your body, we have what you need to keep youmoving on to whatever comes next.

Road warriors. Construction workers. Soccer moms.They all have a special place at Sheetz. We know you don't have time to run allover town for the things you need. Sheetz has what you need, when you need it.And, we're here 24/7/365. Even on Christmas day.” From the Sheetz web site.

Sheetz is a great place for food, fuel and abathroom in case you have a need.

They have pretty good food and lots of choicesincluding cheap, hot food for travelers.

On the road, I like to go there (you can tell).They have more and better choices than a McDonalds and a place to get gas.

So there I was, on the road, but something waswrong.

The day before I left, due to undue tension at myabode, I missed my regular bathroom visit. In case I’m giving you TMI, as Iage, I get more patterned than before, and some things I need to count on. Mymother warned me years ago that old people get fixated on bowel movements. Andwhile I may not be there (I’m old, not fixated), my missed opportunity messed meup and I decided, before a long ride, that I should settle this matter.

I askedmy wife to see if we had any Senocot, a well-known laxative, and we did. Itsays an adult can take 2-4 tablets, 1-2 times a day to a maximum of 4 per day.I kind of read that as a dosage of 4. This was not necessarily a wise move, butI took 4 and went to sleep.

In the morning I was fine and regular and assumedit was a slam-dunk. My day started, and off we went into the car and drove.

There is an unwritten double entendre kind ofexplanation with the term Sheetz. Every time I passed a Sheetz, I did!

There are lots of them on the highways of America,and I visited so many. It was a treat, but they may have put up wanted posters posted by nowin the Sheetz bathrooms looking for me.

I tried to “have a nice day” when Icould.

My wife looked at a small spot on my arm and said, “What is that?

2011-07-11T14:31:00.000-07:00

Note: This is not my hand although I guess it could be.

My wife looked at a small spot on my arm and said, “What isthat? I don’t like the looks of it!”

I said, “It’s an age spot”

She said, “Could be cancer, let the doctor should look atthat!”.

I grumbled.

A few weeks later I was at the Doctors office with my wifeand I said, “Will you look at this, my wife thinks it’s a bad thing,”

She said, “I don’t like the looks of that, go see thedermatologist!” and she made a referral for me and I was hooked in the system.

A medical student working in the dermatologist’s officesaid, “What are we looking at, and I showed her and told her what had happenedso far. She said, “It’s an age spot!”

The dermatologist came in and said, “What are we lookingat?” I said, “I think it’s an age spot, my wife and doctor think it’ssuspicious and your assistant here thinks it’s an age spot”.

He said, “It’s a maturity spot (better name)!”

I said, “Great, no cancer here”, and I went to leave but hesaid he better look me over for fear my wife would find more. He did look meover and found nothing.

He said, “Now that I looked you over, your wife will not beable to send you back with more stuff!”

I am now relieved and I am beautiful!